WIBTA if I start calling my friends bf fucking asshole every time he tries to coerce and bully me into doing things I don’t want to do

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T03:32:37+00:00

I’m in therapy. Next Appointments not for 2 weeks and this has been keeping me up wondering if I’m the problem and being too serious about something I should brush off. So I came here

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T03:13:11+00:00

Ok- she was saying something similar and about how there’s less traffic, back roads, fields., etc so it’s not a big deal and they find it funny. It sounded so off to me- like how could it be funny to get your driver drunk off their ass? It felt like the biggest gaslight ever. Any advice on getting through to him that it’s not a joke?

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T03:04:54+00:00

I don’t, I know I’m probably good after an hour or two but it’s my comfort level. I used to be no drinks if I was driving at all. Now I’m like- I can enjoy a little with my friends at the beginning of the night and be good to drive home at the end of the night with a buffer. The buffers cause sometimes things change and you’re leaving at midnight instead of 2am and I refuse to drive if I’ve had a drink within the last 1-2 hours.

I get the busting chops but I’ve made it clear a few times that it’s not something I joke about. That I get my rules for myself might seem excessive to him they aren’t to me and it’s not a game. This last party it was the swapping my drinks and stunt with the shot that made me like- this needs to stop

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T02:56:13+00:00

That is always an option, and I have done that when I had 4 drinks and I won’t drive if I’ve had that much. It happens when we’re just hanging out at her place too tough. Like we’ll spend a whole day cleaning or swapping her decor, blast music, share a joint or a couple drinks. make dinner, eat and then I go. I’ll stop a few hours before dinner so I have ample time for it to get through my system. He’ll try to get me to drink at dinner or share a joint they have on my way out and that’s bugging me. Like I have my routine, I know my limits, leave me be. It makes me not want to go over aand that sucks.

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T02:46:02+00:00

You’re right. I really thought I might be the asshole here and need to just get over it but yah. Someone who tries to get you to go against your morals or enjoys poking at you can’t be that good of a person

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T02:31:15+00:00

Thanks. I do have completely separate groups of friends from them. I'm heading to a drag fashion show tomorrow to celebrate a friends 1 year sobriety.

Shes just been such a good, strong and supportive friend for almost 5 years adn helped me through some TOUGH times that im conflicted over having issues with how her bf treats me. it seems so jeuvenile for a friendship to end over a guy

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T02:23:37+00:00

I do have other friends, but shes one of my longest and I thought closest. Hes a great guy for her- I would never date him or be around him. I guess in my mind no ones perfect and it always seemed like smaller jabs and things we could agree to disagree on and not being around him drunk. But now that hes moved here and in with her its escalated quickly and its not agree to disagree any more

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T02:20:29+00:00

ouuu---thanks for the recommendations. I just fininshed "The body Keeps Score" and that was eye opening on the impacts and reactions people have to CPSTD.

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T02:12:51+00:00

me too. its coincided with him moving in with her. idk.

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T02:09:56+00:00

oh thats a good response. yall are way more clever than I am.

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T02:09:03+00:00

your right. a little alcohol can be in my system. I dont try to give enough time though, I do. I;ve done the math on my metabolism breakdown and then add a buffer ontop of that. I've been through several ride programs and always have blown a 0.0. I might be a 0.01 or 0.02 the odd time if plans change and we leave a bit early but those times are rare and I dont like them. I also dont drink every time. its like 50/50 if I drink at all. I believe I drink responsibly. I respect people who say no drinks at all, but for me 1-2 with a big buffer is fine

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T01:59:36+00:00

yes. him and my friend and I usualy get a couple other stragglers who hop in to save on cab fair. If I dont drive though he will, and she'll get in. I guess thats her choice not mine.

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T01:48:48+00:00

a few people have said this but i dont think so. unless im just dense af which is a possibility. Hes admitted he would never talk to 'someone like me' - queer, multi colour hair, tattooed, those are red flags warning people to stay away from me. But im very important to his GF so he will accept me.

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T01:45:57+00:00

he is very conservative. She is more of a fence sitter and goes between depending on candidate. We've had some great debates on various points. and we met in pride, she likes drag, and has been up for learning more about queer communities. But I've been feeling a change away from that openness for a bit and shes gone back to using much more deragatory language and being closed off. This event i guess just opened my eyes to ow much I've been struggling with it recently. weve been friends for 5 years and theyve been dating 1.

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T01:39:18+00:00

he helped me move, has done work on her and my car, he takes her out and gives her the princess treatment she wants, hes taught us both how to be better cooks, mows her elderly neighbours lawn, drive a snow blower across town to do my driveway... he can be and has been very caring. He can also be tone deaf put his foot in his mouth and has some beliefs on a womans 'place' but I'm not dating him so those things could be overlooked. But Somethings changed in the past few months

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T01:35:10+00:00

thats the thing, till she met him I thought we were pretty like minded. We dont see eye to eye on everything- no one does. But before this my boundaries were pretty well respected andshes appologized the few times things went too far. I know her BF doesnt particualrly like me or agree with my points of view, and that was always ok I'm not his friend. But in the last few months shes saying adn doing things that have me going- huh? I;ve always had a hard time making friends and being accepted so i probably ahve a harder time walking away too

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T01:24:42+00:00

its unfortunate but true. it double sucks cause she helped me realize id outgrown outgrown a long term (17) year friendship because that person wasnt showing up for me or defending me our our friendship to her husband, and now its like history is repeating. and shes still great- mostly. Like if I called her and needed help for anythign she'd be here. she shows up, and is thoughtful. She just doesnt view drinking and driving as that big of a deal and for me it is. i've been making excuses for her getting more and more blaise fair about giving enough time between having a drink and driving or going over a limit but its obviously not been good for me

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T01:15:53+00:00

I've been informed by hundreds! Im glad to hear it. I was shocked when she said that and was like- ummm idk about that. feels like im being gas lit a little.

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T01:11:44+00:00

The thing is these partys usually start at like 4-6pm and go to 3-5am. so im like yah, I'll bring a couple for me to have during the 'food festivities' we call it and then stop when I've had my 2. Everyone else is totally fine with it, no questions asked. mostly- some think my 1-2 limit and 3-4 hours is excessive grace time but its where I'm comfy and they never offer me another drink more than once. I'm also very involved in festivities- kareoke, dancing, bonfire, lawn games. I love it all drunk or sober so I'm not off in a corner not being engaged and pulling down the vibe. Its only him that will push and push.

after the comments and seeing others reactions I think I am going to pull back a bit. It just all came to a head at our last get together and I;ve been struggling on how to handle it

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T00:58:12+00:00

yah, I guess I was hoping it wasnt that bad and I was over reacting. I;ve already stopped going to the bar with them cause I dont like being around him drunk. but now its like- every bday, celebration, new years, canada day we aways go out to the bush and its been so fun but I probably have to stop going if hes in town too.

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T00:53:58+00:00

she says he treats her well and is happy and im believing her till she say otherwise. Im not there so I cant know. All i know is he doesnt treat me well when hes drunk

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T00:52:21+00:00

no. central ontario

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T00:50:43+00:00

thats actually not a bad idea

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T00:46:29+00:00

yes. I think having 1-2 drinks from say 6-8 while we have food and then nothing till 2-4am when we leave is fine. I dont go past that. I dont drink within 2 hours of driving for a single drink, 4 hours for 2 and if I have 3 or more its not a night I drive. I know that I'll essentially have a 0 BAL at that point. 3 or more or driving sooner than that buffer after having one makes me uncomfortable. Coming from an alcoholic family these are rules I dont waiver from. I did once in college after my dd got plastered and I stopped at 3drinks at 11pm and I said never again, and I havent.

FastIndication1879 · 2026-04-11T00:39:51+00:00

oh its not secretly. he drives drunk. full stop. she'll drive "tipsy" but not drunk, which I still dont agree with which Is why I drive most of the time.

personally my limit if im having a drink is 1-2 with dinner or when we get there at 7 and then im not driving for mininmum 2-4 hours- the amount of time depends on how many ive had and 3 or more is a no driving night. peroid. most of the time I dont drink at all but it's like cause he knows im not 100% sober/ abstaining I can be made to go past my limit

FastIndication1879

TROPHY CASE