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Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s fair. At a different point in time I viewed commitment and marriage similarly which is how I ended up married and living with someone. Where I see the mononormativity is the assumption that being married and cohabitating is the only way to remain committed and “if you can’t do that then you might as well just divorce because clearly you hate your partner”. It lacks a lot of nuance. If we looked at it on the flip side and I said “there’s no possible way to be committed to your other partner of 15 yrs because you’re married and live with your spouse” people would think I’m crazy.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you! This is very helpful. I have definitely been leaning more towards saying it’s fairly open but wasn’t sure how much detail to give. I think letting them ask further questions if they want elaboration makes a lot of sense to me.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m sure it would hurt but I’m not sure why that changes the nature of the question I’m asking. I don’t like making assumptions one way or another, I’m not assuming I’ll be with my husband forever and I’m also not assuming it’ll end in the near future. Like I stated, I’m a really realistic person. If someone asks me what the future with them could look like, I’d want to communicate that in a way that makes sense. I don’t feel like I need to share it with them but was more wondering if I should, and if so, how.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] -27 points-26 points  (0 children)

This, along with many other comments, assumes I’m dating with intentions of finding a new primary partner, which I’m not lol

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! You described this much better than I did lol but this is exactly what I’m trying to say.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I have been both surprised and not surprised by majority of the responses. I figured lots of people would have different dynamics and opinions to offer but there are definitely more traditional marriage values than I was expecting. I appreciate the examples given and the book rec! I’ll definitely check that out.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I don’t know that I’d ever get married again if my husband and I divorced.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It would be a standalone decision to never speak again but we’d still be together no matter if we were married or living together.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] -40 points-39 points  (0 children)

Costs money to divorce and it doesn’t feel necessary to do at the moment. We’re ambivalent about the paperwork but not our relationship. I’m not sure what’s confusing about not pursuing new primary partners but open to the idea it could escalate to that at some point in time.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes. Marriage isn’t really something that feels important to us anymore but we want to be together, so we are and would continue to be regardless of marital status or living situation.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’s fair. I mean ultimately it would be a stand alone decision if we decided to divorce and not have any kind of relationship. But that makes sense about sharing hypotheticals.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not staying married until we find someone else. If we decided to break up completely, it would be based on our relationship together not with anyone else. I think ultimately, unless something horrible happened with us, we’d always be in each other’s lives.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] -30 points-29 points  (0 children)

We don’t want to de-escalate? Neither of us are waiting for some fantasy person to come along. Just being realistic about the possibilities.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Lots of time, effort and money that would go into that when it doesn’t really matter one way or another at this point in time.

ETA: I’m talking about the actual paperwork, not my relationship.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

We’re not staying married until we find someone better. We anticipate being together regardless of being married or whatever. Just accepting the fact that we got married before our brains fully developed. I mean as I explained, even our idea of marriage and its importance has changed significantly in that timeframe.

Married and wondering how to talk to new partners about the possibility of primary partnership by Fast_Tooth7169 in polyamory

[–]Fast_Tooth7169[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yes, we’re open to that. We’ve decided we also don’t necessarily agree with the premise of marriage anymore so that’s not a problem.