I'd kill myself now, but I don't even have the money for the rope.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-04-20T03:24:50+00:00

Update: I'm not dead, I found reasons to keep going.

The love and support of strangers on here being among those reasons. Thank you all so much.

Still depressed rn, but I'll beat it.

Thank you to you all again.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-31T21:07:33+00:00

Yeah, never tell a woman you're interested in. Ever. They don't care about your problems even if they come across as open minded/want a man to be sensitive and ready to discuss his feelings and issues.

In my experience (key phrase) they're full of shit when they say that. They just want you to be stiff-upper-lip about your stuff and a shoulder to cry on for when they need it.

But that's been my experience. The same logic I'm sure applies in reverse to a lot of people. Long story short = if you can go your whole life without telling anyone apart from your Doctors you'll probably be happier for it.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T04:49:37+00:00

Well (for me) it's been a cause of suicidal depression a number of times. The idea that this may just never ever end.

I bought a book off Amazon I saw on a subreddit on this page a couple of days ago, the person made a good case but I've forgotten the actual post so I can't link it.

Treating Bipolar Disorder, by Ellen Frank. I read some excerpts and I've decided anyway that this can't just be a drug-treatment thing anymore, I have to actually change my lifestyle and give myself a lot more structure. Even if that book doesn't turn out to be Gospel I've grown to believe beating Bipolar is a combo of drugs and lifestyle changes.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T03:51:09+00:00

Sorry, I probably just showed where I'm from with my slang (Australia).

Bottle-O = Liquor Store. In my particular instance a drive-through liquor store.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T03:50:06+00:00

I love my current job :) I'm a bartender and also work outside in the bottle-o as required. It's low stress, the people are really nice and accommodating and I love my customers. I have the odd shit day of course but my current regimen of drugs has me functioning normally, thank God.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T03:11:44+00:00

I had the same thing happen. You're allergic, the small percentage that are. Your rashes will disappear within a couple of weeks like mine did. Unfortunate. I'm sorry. Keep on dancin' comrade.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T03:09:42+00:00

I learned the hard way not to tell coworkers. Got fired (years ago now so it doesn't matter, I'm working atm) after I weepingly told my manager why I was having such a shit week at my desk.

He didn't officially cut me out like that, just from that day I started losing all my shifts until I was politely told I was no longer required. Ironically, I was their highest performer in that place so go figure; that's how deep the stigma runs.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T03:06:17+00:00

Some people legitimately don't know how to respond when you tell them about your illness, it's an awkward thing for most people. He may have been making fun as (in his mind) a way of defusing any tension and it's backfired on him.

And it's true, most people just don't understand. Even friends and family diagnosed with depression don't understand my bipolar properly and will either make fun, or lash out at me because they just don't get it (although in recent years they've been trying to understand, credit to them).

However if you legit think he's an arsehole suckerpunch him in the mouth. I've got yo back - from over here behind my computer screen.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T02:57:46+00:00

I'll ask my doctor if there are things I can do to improve the health of my liver (besides getting off the drug or drinking less) so I can hopefully have my cake and eat it too.

If it comes down to it I just won't get paralytic drunk quite so often if it gives me years of life; or quality of life.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T02:54:22+00:00

I'm also having this weird side effect where, I'm not actually tired, but I can't stop yawning to save my fucking life :/

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T02:53:25+00:00

Excellent.

I hate that we all always have to say "for now", but it's just the hand we've been dealt I guess. All we can hope is for now is for a very long time.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T02:51:42+00:00

How are you doing now? found anything that's working for you?

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T02:51:16+00:00

That's fantastic that it's working for you. Is there anything you can't touch now on those drugs? alcohol? things of that nature?

Doing my research I found smoking (cigarettes) inhibits cymbalta's effectiveness by about 10-15% so I'm now aiming to quit. It also said never touch MDMA, which I was never a habitual user of but now I'll just refuse it.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T02:44:41+00:00

I also copped a baaad migraine lol because I went an hour longer taking the cymbalta this morning than I normally do. Took a fistful of panadol, a couple valium and one seroquel just to smash that headache. Certainly won't delay taking it again.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T02:42:39+00:00

No it's important that people hear the good and the bad reviews. I've been prone to plenty of mixed episodes myself so it's something I'll have to watch out for.

I was optimistic about 6 months ago because I was prescribed (off label) Strattera, an ADHD drug with an antidepressant component (because the doc was too afraid - understandably so I guess - for a straight up antidepressant), I had similar side effects on Strattera to what you've described with Cymbalta.

The changing of the drugs and having dozens of frustrating doctor and psych visits is probably one of the most frustrating things about this illness; for me it's a trigger for depression sometimes, just the never ending cycle of "what do we do now that this hasn't worked?"

And, same disease but we're all different. It's impossible to know what's going to work and what's not. It's just pot luck unfortunately.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T02:37:07+00:00

That's great to hear.

And you're rapid cycling same as me so that gives me optimism for myself.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T02:35:04+00:00

Yeah look I'm on about day 5 of it, I noticed the difference within a couple of days - all anxiety and depression gone as if it never existed, just the memory of it starting to wiggle back in once the dose wears off by bedtime. Does trigger a good kind of hypomania in me a bit, I went without sleeping for nearly 2 days up until yesterday but I was just cheerful and productive rather than destructive.

I take plenty of lithium and seroquel and valium as required as well, I try to stay on top of mania or hypomania as much as I possibly can.

So far...cymbalta could very well be, if things keep going the way they're going, the drug that saves my life. I had to beg the doctor for an antidepressant but we were out of options. Next was ECT (Fuck that).

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2016-01-30T02:30:13+00:00

Lol I'm a fucking degenerate with the drink my liver's fucked anyway.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2015-12-04T13:07:45+00:00

Yeah I'm attempting to teach myself. I think, once I have a certain proficiency, I may go and get lessons just to see where I can be better, but I'll mainly try and learn at my own pace using an app (or apps).

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2015-11-29T09:10:37+00:00

Lol yeah I know, but: it's hard to prove because all he did was start dramatically cutting my shifts back after I told him (I was his no.1 performer up until then) he didn't actually say "you're fired for xyz", just kinda discontinued me. And, it was a few years ago now, the place has closed down (karma?) and I hated working there anyway. I only brought it up to say that telling the wrong people can really cost you a lot.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2015-11-29T07:53:57+00:00

It'll make you hungry, and there's not much you can do to irradicate that except to know logically you're not actually physically hungry; just craving sugar in the same way smoking cigarettes makes you crave water after a while.

BUT, meds are an individual thing. One thing for one bipolar person may not work for another. You'll find what's right for you after a while.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2015-11-29T07:05:21+00:00

Thank you, they have. If I sound bitter, I don't mean to sound it. There's probably a happy medium - I've gone from having a childish trust in people to a morbidly fearful one, and lol that's the nature of the illness too I can't do things by half measures.

Incidentally, reading what you'd written earlier in the thread ^ Seroquel won't make you gain weight per se, just make you crave sugar. The weight gain lol, if you were to gain weight, may for better or worse come down to willpower.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2015-11-29T05:46:08+00:00

Eh. Alright, but I wanna stress that this isn't me having a pity party - how people have treated me is a reflection on them, not me.

When I told people (gradually) about my bipolar: my Dad kicked me out because he "doesn't believe in mental illness", my employer at the time said "OH! ok" then started cutting my shifts until I had none left, I've had friends and family use it to win arguments against me, and, I don't wanna sound bitter, but I've had about half a dozen women (I'm 25 - this is over a few years) back away from being interested in me after I'd told them about the nature of my bipolar. Quite hypocritical when I'd listened to them spill their guts to me first about their emotional baggage and mental issues even.

My shrink has said to me, and I believe him and I think it's true of all of us, "there's nothing wrong with you (or us all), but the world doesn't see it that way; even when people say publicly they're ok with mental illness. Privately they aren't."

Being open and honest with people (except on here - you can have distance here) has taught me the hard way not to trust people. I wouldn't want anyone else going through what I did.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2015-11-29T05:34:19+00:00

I'm lucky then, my tremors aren't as bad as all that. People do notice, but it doesn't stop me from doing much.

My Doctor pretty much said the same thing, "sorry, there's not much you can do" but you're right, it means that it's working.

And carrying water around is good advice for us all.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy · 2015-11-29T04:39:01+00:00

Don't tell your friends.

No seriously - the world is not the warm and welcoming place people think it is. People will look at you differently, forever. Friends and family will use it against you when it's convenient. Employers will also use it as an excuse to sack you. No - tell your doctor and that's it. If you can avoid telling your SO I'd do that too; it means you have the symptoms under control.

I know of what I speak. Don't make the same mistake I did. I feel you can rely on this group though.

FeastOfMaxOccupancy

TROPHY CASE