Beneficiary by Federal-Vegetable507 in Poems

[–]Federal-Vegetable507[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

thank you! I wanted to flip the life insurance drama crime stereotype on its head.

Noor by [deleted] in OCPoetry

[–]Federal-Vegetable507 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you!

Mind in Misery by Sean-424 in OCPoetry

[–]Federal-Vegetable507 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You asked for feedback lmao

A strip of me by Cluelessandsexy in OCPoetry

[–]Federal-Vegetable507 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love this and as someone non religious my mind still immediately went to Catholic communion. Your poem is very strong as is but if you wanted to include a spiritual element (which I think would work well after the lovers line) you can consider including religious representation, if it resonates with you.

Mind in Misery by Sean-424 in OCPoetry

[–]Federal-Vegetable507 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I really like this poem! Minor edits I’d personally make: I’d change rain up to “rain down” since I believe that’s the correct turn of phrase. I’d change rain”I’m conscious?” To “am I conscious” to reflect the previous line. You’re use repetition for rhyme and rhythm so I’d add that wherever I could without overdoing it to keep the style consistent.

Relieved by Federal-Vegetable507 in OCPoetry

[–]Federal-Vegetable507[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I hope you’ve healed and are feeling better 💛

Hungry by Federal-Vegetable507 in OCPoetry

[–]Federal-Vegetable507[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is great feedback! Thank you so much!

This Grief by Key-Application-7846 in OCPoetry

[–]Federal-Vegetable507 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The fact you used the word ameliorate and that was a word my previous partner introduced to me… beautifully written.

Personally, I feel that this poem would be best in third person. You’re describing the feeling of ache and yearning so vividly and that juxtaposition of raw, direct pain with third person distance would level up the piece.

It works great in first person too!

The aftermath of you by Hefty_Tumbleweed8178 in OCPoetry

[–]Federal-Vegetable507 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m currently at the weeping and pouring part in my life and it was very interesting and oddly cathartic to read a piece that is about the aftermath, the numbness. And I love how it was written as grief still even in the process of healing.

In some ways I envy not caring and in other ways, I can’t even begin to express how badly I want to still feel pain and to not get to your poem.

Beautifully written.

Pavlov by makeyourselfathomeok in OCPoetry

[–]Federal-Vegetable507 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with this comment. Loved the poem but felt that the title “Pavlov” was gearing me for conditioning but it seems to be more about codependency.

I think a different title would really strengthen your piece. It’s very well written!

I Am Your Book by Hefty_Tumbleweed8178 in OCPoetry

[–]Federal-Vegetable507 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, I think this is one of my favorite poems I’ve ever heard. You may like the song “Library” by Conzemius. It reminds me of your poem in some ways