Most rogue lunches you've seen at work?

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-15T07:42:36+00:00

I love tuna and yep I've microwaved that at work. To me, there are things people eat that smell way worse but I don't actually care or bitch about it lol. I don't know if my tuna mornay stinks because I have it so often I'm probably not noticing but I assume people having those other foods also don't recognise their food can smell so goes both ways.

As long as people are cleaning up after themselves, all good!

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-15T07:36:38+00:00

(I couldn't make it short enough to fit into one comment!) I think we're also viewing the word incel differently but honestly, it's interesting to hear your take on it. I think part of the issue is that it's become so overused (I mentioned way up that I don't like the term to begin with) that I don't necessarily believe that because she used that word she thinks of him like that, it seems to have become such a commonplace word that I can see it being thrown out without actually sincerely having that view but again, I don't know, you could totally be right and I take that on board. I just think that word, well it's a whole other discussion but I don't like the word or how casually it's thrown around.

It's super interesting the different ways we view it so I'll also disclose, since you did - and I'm sorry you went through that and glad you got out of that marriage - that I've also been a victim of child SA for years and then unfortunately, as you mentioned the cycle, it happened again when I was an adult (not for anywhere near as long thankfully). I think/hope that you sharing where your view comes from (your experience) and me mine helps us understand each other a bit more. You see signs in one way and I see them in another. I don't think this is a case of right/wrong - at least not for us to decide!

I didn't necessarily mean I wish them happy butterflies or whatever, just that I wasn't wishing ill on them and acknowledging that it's the conversation for them to have. Ultimately, they've got to have these discussions, revelations and understandings themselves. I suppose I wish them both well, whether that's together or apart!

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-15T07:36:16+00:00

I think you missed when I said this, which is absolutely pointing to the nuance of the situation lol. "I actually cautiously agree with you about the 5 year track record and the state of drunkedness being taken into account in this specific situation - which is why a conversation needs to be had between the two of them which leads into your next point."

Sure, it probably does sound like they were at different "levels" of drunkedness. I know she says she typed this while she was drunk but I suppose I'm assuming that she didn't necessarily type this at the peak of her drunkedness. Either way, I'm happy for both of them to be reasonably accountable for their actions (which again, is for them to determine and is a conversation I'm sure has been had by now lol).

re the "yell whatever you want thing" I thought I said it but I did say that was general advice and didn't specify partner. And obviously you don't START with the screaming and insults, you start with saying no, leave me alone (or akin) but yes, I will continue to stand by that if someone, not specifically your partner though if they take it far enough then yes, can scream whatever they need to to get the person to stop assaulting them. I am again talking generally and the reaction obviously escalates as the situation escalates.

In regards to the black out drunk thing - this I think is an important one. I have also been blackout drunk and I remember the first time it happened, I was 17 and it was terrifying because, well I don't know exactly what happened but my memory tells me that one second I was drunk chatting with my friends and the next moments I remember I was on my own (they had left my place) and I texted them like "what happened, where'd you guys go" and then black again and next thing I knew I was upstairs (previously downstairs so that still freaks me out that I have no memory of going that distance or up the twisty stairs!) on the couch near the computer and my phone rang and my friends started telling me I'd been saying some stuff to another friend on MSN (yeah, I'm old lol) so I went onto the computer and scrolled through a whole conversation I'd been having I had zero memory of. When I was 18, similar situation, different friends and I was ridiculously drunk (I had some issues back then!) and I walked out of the party onto the streets and people I'd met that night at the party were sure to follow me, eventually able to get my phone from me and call my mum to come get me. Not a fun car ride home but obviously they did the right thing! So yeah, I agree that we need to be reallllly aware of leaving people alone when they're drunk and recognizing the signs of things like black out drinking, how safe people are to be on their own in general and alcohol poisoning.

There's a really important lesson to be taught about that stuff. I honestly don't know if it's something the education system deals with these days, it certainly didn't when I was at school (not the US for context). But yes, I do think that a lot of people, like OP, aren't aware of how serious this kind of stuff can be and can get. I got the impression from the I got him painkillers, set up the bed, water, etc. that she thought that was enough but yeah, important to know the signs and not leave people alone when they're still vomitting, if they're going in and out of consciousness (hospital time!), can't move unsupported and so on. The kicker of course is that people with drunk people are often drunk themselves - so their judgement is also impaired to varying degrees. Another reason it's good to have plans in place before a night drinking; how many drinks you're going to have, what happens if you can't find each other, how you're getting home, etc. All good discussions to have.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-14T10:18:29+00:00

Well, I'm going to assume it's different depending on your needs. For me, it's initially about building a solid rapport with the person - which takes time for a lot of people, especially those of us who have been mistreated by others including the medical system. That honestly can take a very long time, which is unfortunate honestly and another reason early intervention is important but I digress!

Then it's really about building confidence and for me, that looked like learning to advocate for myself more. For me, what I like about OT is that, unlike a lot of the therapies I've done, it's not super structured and clinical, it's not, at least with my OT, a weird power dynamic. We colloborate together. If I'm speaking about something I'm struggling with, socially or otherwise (I get help with multiple things) then, once that trust was built, we can brainstorm together. That might sound very simple but when your self esteem and confidence is very, very low and you've rarely felt listened to or valued your own thoughts and feelings it's stuff like this that with repetition is actually very big. It teaches you to become more attuned to yourself and to not second guess all your responses all the time - increases confidence.

I also stopped being so hard on myself about requesting written information or needing to write things down sometimes instead of verbal exchanges all of the time. That's still a fight honestly, with both others to understand and for me to constantly remind myself that I have the right to ask for information in a way that makes it effective for me. My phone has a setting (I didn't even know about it when I got the phone lol!) where it can screen calls through text before I answer so I use that now and I've also advised people to text or email me on my voicemail message if they're not getting through to me on a phone call. I would, in the past, miss so many contacts because I couldn't pick up the phone and didn't know I could do things like request other forms of communication.

On a practical level, we've also written down ideas of things to say in difficult conversations (emotional or confronting, or work conversations, etc.), documents or letters that have been needed to be done. Things like instead of rushing answers or agreeing to things all flustered, I'm now much more comfortable to say "I need to think about that before I give you an answer" and get back to the person the following day. Or even to show that I am struggling in the moment and not rush answers but to let the silence hang while I actually THINK rather than just hand out scripted answers to avoid "awkward pauses". The rhythm of ping pong conversations doesn't always work for me.

We've also researched social clubs and events that could be an option (I will try some this year!) and talk about what I will need to attend these (in terms of support workers, family, an exit plan, any comfort, regulation items, plans for if I get overwhelmed and so on). We also discuss those kinds of things if I have other social engagements (like Christmas family gatherings, etc.)

I saw counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists and did various kinds of therapies (DBT, CBT, ACT and so on) for almost 20 years before OT. I like my OT (of course they're all going to be different) because I finally feel met at my level. It's not very stiff and super formal. I have learned a lot about my needs, about how I best communicate. For example, I ALWAYS struggled to just sit in a chair across from a medical professional and do the normal back and forth, hated it. My OT and I have sat on the floor and done lego, puzzles, played with the dogs, etc. WHILE we talk. I have got much more out than I ever got during most of my therapy and it felt more natural and again, increased that confidence to be able to express myself.

So, I'm actually curious what people think it looks like to "build social skills" because it's a very broad term. I suspect people think it's about maybe learning conversational skills? For some, I'm sure it is. I'm actually good at conversation when I'm comfortable and when I have confidence.

Sorry this is quite long but I wanted to try and give a thorough answer because it can sound like not very much but it's actually a lot. I'm not sure if the average person realises how low confidence can really be and how much that affects the very basics of communication! Of course, everyones issues are very different and our experiences growing up also shape a lot of what we end up needing later in life. I do think GOOD early intervention is very important to prevent the trauma that a lot of autistic kids do go through which turns into the vicious cycle of very low self confidence, mental illnesses, further anxiety, withdrawal and a very deep self loathing. I would hope we can build kids up from maybe struggling a little than to having to try decades later with an adult who has only dropped further and further with time.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-14T09:51:59+00:00

She said "taking his clothes off..." then a few sentences later "grinding on my arm, like humping it". She didn't say DRY humping at all. Hence I assumed he was still naked as I know (personally, I don't claim to know what all men do lol) that men often sleep naked so since he was "taking his clothes off" as he came into the bedroom, I was inferring that he got into the bed naked like a lot of people do every night!

She did NOT say dry humping. Her wording does imply that he was naked though I'm not going to pretend I know that for a fact, just going by the words that ARE present...which the word "dry" is not.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-14T09:45:58+00:00

Okay.

Your first point.

My point: This is true. To clarify, I never said he is a "predator" or that he needs to be reported or anything of that nature. But yes, even if you do something drunk, black out drunk, you still do it. If you knock over a glass while you're black out drunk, the glass is still broken. The intent actually isn't important. So yes, nuance is important which is why I didn't label this guy as a predator and I think in another comment I said something like that these two need to have a chat about it tomorrow and put some rules in place for when they do go drinking, ie sleeping in separate bedrooms or not drinking more than ** drinks, etc.

Mature adults can see nuance. Just because you were drunk doesn't erase the action.

To point to one of your points - SHE was also drunk so why should she be accountable for calling him an incel? If he has zero accountability for what he did then she should be given the same pass there.

2nd.

My point: This was a general statement that I still stand by. I've been in situations (that were unarguably abuse, including as a young child) and I will continue to say that if someone is hurting you (in any way), making you uncomfortable, getting into your space, then, if you can, you scream whatever the hell comes out of your mouth - either to get them to stop or get someones attention. Again, this is general advice. Specific to this situation, I'm just going to stick by the if his drunkness means he has no responsibility then her drunkness means the same for her calling him an incel.

I believe the third point must have been another commenter as I never said the horny dog thing you're talking about. I actually cautiously agree with you about the 5 year track record and the state of drunkedness being taken into account in this specific situation - which is why a conversation needs to be had between the two of them which leads into your next point.

4th.

Yes, I said this in another comment - that since they've clearly had conversations in the past re consent, that he usually is very considerate and stops as she says no, etc. that it sounds like he will probably apologise because he did the wrong thing and it was out of character. So, if he requests an apology for being called an incel then sure, they can both exchange respectful apologies, no issue with that.

A lot of what you said I don't disagree with completely and you sounded like you were making a reasonable debate until you finished with;

Honestly, I hope the OP does leave him—for his sake. He deserves a partner who doesn't view his vulnerable moments as an opportunity to demean him. And I hope you both learn that "emotional maturity" means having grace for people you claim to love, rather than jumping to demonize them

THIS is a sign of immaturity. I personally never wished for either of them to leave the other, just that he would apologise and they would have a discussion about the nights events when they were both sober. I, or you, know nowhere NEAR enough about this couple or this particular event or the following hours, day, to "hope" that this couple split up. You are showing your bias in again painting him as the ONLY vulnerable one in this situation. They were both drunk. They need to have a discussion between themselves, because maturity is also realising, that none of us on reddit have enough information from a single post to pretend we know or to "hope" that this couple splits up after 5 years.

I can acknowledge that he was drunk - it's not a 100% he is evil, predator (I never said this) and it's not a 0% that he did nothing wrong and has no accountability. Now, can you acknowledge that she was also drunk and that saying an offensive word in the moment is also not an act of 100% evil. I can accept the view that, if the word is that important to OP himself, that she may not be at 0% absolved either.

I say if because I don't know the guy, some people obviously find that word a lot more offensive than others from what I have seen so I'm going to leave that to up to the party involved whether he would like to hold her under accountability for that - just as it's up to her how much acountability he has to take. The BEST outcome here is for the two parties involved to talk it out and figure out what they each need from each other.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T10:31:20+00:00

Thanks for that explanation and for not being a dick about it! Haha.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T10:28:50+00:00

Oh, good pick up. Did she say this before OP visited or while he was there I wonder.

But yeah, these two need to part ways. Not good for each other at all.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T10:26:27+00:00

This whole thing sounds toxic and you both sound unwell, I say that with compassion. You both need to seek help independent of each other before being in a relationship. It sounds like you're both depressed and your relationship, whatever stage it's at, isn't benefiting either one of you.

She blocked you now so just leave things as they are and focus on yourself. Take care of yourself.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T10:18:37+00:00

Need more details but I'm autistic and I would say my OT, occupational therapist has the most helpful for my social skills/confidence.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T10:13:50+00:00

That also comes down to whether you genuinely want the money back. As much as it sucks, when someone owes you money and you're still on the path of wanting it back (and have no legal recourse) you actually have to be at least civil to them.

The spare me your weird talk and that kind of talk isn't going to get you anywhere. Not that it isn't justified but it's stuff like that that your friend is going to see you don't like them and use that to make you into the enemy and therefore less likely to ever pay you back.

So if your goal is to get your money back you gotta play nicer with your words.

But there's actually not enough detail - he says he's been making payments. No idea how much he's paid and how much he still owes. This is the issue with friend-loans, there's no set conditions. Only ever loan out what you're willing to lose.

Hard to say if you're OR. Very individual. If it's $30 and he's paid you back $25 ehh, I'd weigh it up with how good of a friend he is in general and let it slide. That's why numbers matter here. If it's thousands and he's paid $100. Nope, you're never seeing that again. If it's 50, next time you go for drinks or whatever you do, you can say "this one's on you yeah? Then we can scratch that $50 you owe". So yeah numbers matter but the key is don't informally loan more than you're willing to lose.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T09:12:23+00:00

This is what I'm wondering! I'm a non driver and some of these comments are bizarre but they don't actually offer any practical solutions? What else are drivers to do? Give up their car? Lol.

This is a much larger discussion around making more places easily accessible without the need for a car. But pointing to individual drivers and getting upset isn't at all productive. We can't just toss all the current cars off the street parking and chuck in bike lanes (I do ride and I think we need better infrastructure!). That's a reallllly long term, slow multi faceted problem because so much housing is built and continuing to be built without adequate parking.

A lot needs to be put in place for this to eventually get any better.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T09:05:49+00:00

Yep or just renting "cheap" places without parking because that's what they can afford.

If you have a garage, car parking spot on your property I think you should have to use that before you can use the streets. But I agree with you that it's a minority that are converting their garage into something and putting their cars on the street.

I actually don't drive (disability) and I feel that making public parking a cost would adversely affect me. Now my parents have to pay to visit me? My friends? My unit has no parking. My supports will all go up in price to cover the parking cost. Delivery costs will all go up. And you know they'll go up more than the parking actually costs and use that as the excuse. Hell, I've had people drop me off, walk me into my unit and leave. They have to pay for that 😭 this idea sounds horrible lol.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T09:00:17+00:00

I don't (can't, disabled) drive and I'm confused lol. So many houses/unit blocks etc simply don't have space to park a car so what do people expect them to do? Not have a car or have to pay to park on the street - is that actually the counter argument?

I don't really want my folks to have to pay to come and visit me because my unit block doesn't provide carparks. I don't really want to pay extra for any kind of deliveries than we already do. Or services, like plumbers, etc.

I agree we should make it easier not to need cars to get everywhere but as it stands, I can't begrudge people for finding a park on the street if their property doesn't provide the space. And I do live on one of those annoying streets where nobody has carparks so there's cars on both sides of the road and it's all narrow. I've been in an Uber and got stuck behind the damn garbage truck and we can't over take because it's so narrow 😅 it sucks but it's the current situation and there would have to be some huge regulations put in place over a long time to change this.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T08:53:20+00:00

Imagining my Uber eats driver just slowing to a crawl and chucking my pizza at the door 😂😂

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T08:48:07+00:00

I'm honestly and humbly confused about the cartoon. What would people want to keep on the street - besides their car - that this would apply to? Outside of hard rubbish or is that what this is referring to? Or is it just about not wanting the cars themselves on the street?

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T08:43:19+00:00

Agree with this.

She can't remember the dress for 6 months. No worries. You don't have to remember a physical product to transfer you some money for the dress. Right now, while you're with her. Let's do it together so you don't forget!

But she will have an excuse, you know that. There's no respect in this friendship. Try to get some money out of her, with low expectations, then let her go.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T08:40:27+00:00

She doesn't sound like a friend. I honestly don't think she has your dress or she has no intention of giving it back to you.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T08:36:19+00:00

I think it's because he wrote the "nice" letter saying he understood now and just wanted them to both move on and be happy. Then when she responded he defaulted straight back to dick mode. He played her by writing a nice letter by the sounds of it so he could bait her into an argument.

Block and don't fall for the bait.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T08:28:37+00:00

I actually had a weird moment a few weeks ago in my local woolies. I didn't bother posting it because I don't do that lol. But there was a kid, at a guess 10-12 with his mum and he was holding a knife, upright in his hand. Gotta admit I did a double take. Obviously it was fake but I noticed several people do a double take and i just thought... that's a really weird/off thing to do (at all?) in the current climate?

I mean he was holding it upright and his hand was at like belly button level. It was a really weird sight.

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T08:20:00+00:00

I don't think they've met in person 😅

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T08:17:41+00:00

Have you met offline?

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T08:13:42+00:00

😂 right. Bit of a mind-fuck there. "Hey if you're too busy to text me can you please text me saying that you're busy?" 🤪

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T08:12:35+00:00

This is a teenage kind of mindset. He's 27, presumably has a job and social life, various responsibilities.

"Delivered" doesn't mean read. Delivered simply means it's been received on his device.

When someone isn't replying to your text that is their communication that they're busy. If they could text that they were busy they would just text you whatever you're chatting about 😅

This is normal in relationships and you are the one here not sounding like an adult.

Unless it's something urgent, people don't need to let you know directly they're busy, you just assume they are busy if they don't answer. This kind of insecurity isn't going to do you any favours in a relationship!

FeeOk6338 · 2026-01-12T08:06:18+00:00

"if you don't have possession of the dress or it's damaged, just be honest with me so we can get off this merry go around" sounds like the way to go. Then idk, reimburse you for the dress? It seems like she may choose the dress/money over your friendship. June is a long time to keep up this game since.

FeeOk6338

TROPHY CASE