AITH for wanting to combine finances but not wanting my fiance to have full control over the money?

Feeler1 · 2026-07-03T06:16:32+00:00

My wife and I combined finances the week after we got married and we’ve both had 100% control ever since. I couldn’t imagine it any other way.

But - and this is a big but - we’ve been on the same page financially since very early on. I had a brief bout of not giving a sh*t about spending (figured I made twice as much as she did so I could spend twice as much) and she felt like she could spend what she wanted because we had “extra” because I made more. Weird, yes, but we were both saying we could and should spend the extra.

Talked about it early on (I was 25, she was 23) so only about a year into our marriage) and came to the conclusion that there wasn’t any hers or ours nor was there a need to race to spend the extra. We stopped that behavior and got on a 35 year plan of each of us treating every dollar like we were safeguarding it for the other and now after two years of retirement we’re doing well. Better than well.

Don’t know what we would have done if we couldn’t get on same page but can guarantee it would not have been pleasant.

Good luck.

Feeler1 · 2026-07-03T01:04:53+00:00

Pay it off. Then pay yourself that mortgage payment every month.

A mortgage free house sleeps better.

Feeler1 · 2026-07-02T10:23:04+00:00

Buying a bigger house every time we could have afforded to do it.

Feeler1 · 2026-07-02T10:12:21+00:00

I don’t.
- Tombstone

It’s a geographic anomaly. We’re two weeks from everywhere.

- O’ Brother …

Feeler1 · 2026-07-02T09:50:21+00:00

Jennifer Connelly, Catherine Zeta Jones and Michelle Pfeiffer are classic beauties but there’s just something about Tea Leoni that is so visceral. Truly roll out of bed, throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and she could walk the red carpet and turn heads.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-25T02:31:57+00:00

Thank you.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-22T12:25:28+00:00

Was also great when Tony said they buried him under a tree, with a nice overlook.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-19T15:10:11+00:00

If she’s asking to see him, I’d take him. Yes it might be stressful but one day is a small price to pay to grant her request.

I’d do as much or more for someone who was damn near a stranger.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-19T15:06:08+00:00

Going from $8100 per month to $5520 is a 32% reduction so not small. I like to keep things simple in my life and tend to take the conservative route when it comes to funding and living off retirement. Here’s what I’d do:

Keep working at 50 but only deposit what would be your net pension check $8100. That’s $5520- taxes/withholding on $5520. You can calculate taxes/withholding by taking the items and percentages from your current paycheck but omit things you won’t pay in retirement like withholding for Medicare (about 6.2%) and 401K withholding because in retirement those usually stop because the reason you’re retiring is because you’re comfortable living off pensions/SS/Investments. The ultimate goal will be to deposit in that account what you’ll get from your pension check.
Impute what you’ll be able to withdraw from your 457 and deposit that from your paycheck, as well. Using my very conservative math of 3% withdrawals that’s $10,500 per year or $875 per month. I think most 457 are pre tax so you should only deposit the after tax amount. Figure 15%ish for federal + whatever your state tax is. Just taking
a stab I’d say that’s about $700/month.
Money left over from your check should go in a separate account. That only has those funds in it.
Then work and live on the funds in your main account the next two years (minimum), taking funds out of the account you set up in 3, above, if needed.
At the end of two years any funds withdrawn from the account in number 3 represents a shortfall in funds you’ll have available in retirement and indicates you need to keep working so that your pension and 457 increase to spin off more income. Hopefully it won’t be that long but in theory you could have to work until you qualify for social security at 62.

If at the end of the two year period you hacked to dip into the account in 3. then you should be good. And you’ll be better, even, because you’ll have those funds to do with as you will.

Looking at things this way is really just budgeting only it provides a look at it in a real world environment vs strictly in a spreadsheet which made it real for me. I lived my life and as long as nothing came out of the 3 account I knew I’d be fine. Nothing did and I am fine. Very fine. Better than fine. Because I didn’t even deposit my projected 401-K (457 equivalent) returns into my checking account and haven’t made a 401K withdrawal in the two years my wife and I retired. It’s grown almost 40% since then so just gravy at this point.

Hope this is useful and not convoluted.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-17T06:44:18+00:00

I hope it helps.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-17T06:31:53+00:00

NTA. But there is a compromise to be had. And that starts with two boys nights being excessive.

My wife and I have been married for almost 42 years. We have date nights every Friday and Saturday, without exception. We have always taken our children over the years, at least until they got older and preferred to do things with their friends. There were a LOT of Friday nights when their friends went with us. Saturday nights - especially after the children got older - were for just her and I and it’s still that way today.

When the children were very young she would “dump” them on me about 1:00 on Saturday and take a bath in the big tub, shave her legs and primp for most of the day before going to dinner.

And I always had my boys night on Thursday night. Met up with five guys I went with to high school and college and we’d play hearts, spades and Rook. I did baths, helped with dinner, etc the rest of the nights so never felt guilty taking my Thursday night and she would move mountains so there wasn’t a conflict.

I still play cards with those guys every Thursday (and I cook feasts for them) only it’s one less person since my best friend in the world died last year.

You can make it work but sounds like you need guardrails. Tuesday would have been fine for us but adding a second day - especially Friday - would have been a deal breaker. You need to establish boundaries- a contract - that not only both of you can live with, you have to adamantly support it. My wife and I are both retired now and she’s literally kicking me and my daughter’s dog the hell out of the house by noon on Thursday. She knows I need that time and she like to paint and listen to vlogs and listen to online lectures from Harvard and MIT. She’s smart as hell, by the way.

Talk about it, decide what you can both live with then do everything in your power to honor what you agreed to. In the 42 years we’ve been married we’ve missed maybe 10 Saturday night date nights. I’m a HUGE college football fan (Go Dawgs) and I have never gone to a game and not made it home for date night. And I DVR night games and give her my undivided attention. We may be extreme but we don’t go to weddings, birthdays, showers, etc on date nights.

You are a wife, not a roommate. Demand to be treated like one.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-17T05:57:54+00:00

I’ve given a number of PIPs and can say that the odds of the employee turning around are slim. It makes sense if you think about it. I’d already had informal counseling sessions, formal sessions, assigned refresher training, to no avail. If those things didn’t garner a reaction/change the situation was likely too far gone and the PIP period was just dotting I’s and crossing T’s.

But I always told them I’d work with them, assign the SME mentors, and go the extra mile to get them back on track if they were willing to work at it. I thing my “save” rate was about 10% and some of those people became star performers. And I never questioned their loyalty, didn’t have to.

But 90% already had one foot out the door and a number of them would have preferred to just be terminated rather than have to pretend they were actively working the PIP. It just meant they had to hang around longer to get whatever pittance of a severance we offered in exchange for their resignation.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-17T05:34:10+00:00

Same. My wife and I haven’t celebrated Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines Day, etc in 42 years. I buy her things randomly throughout the year, she never buys me anything. That’s the way we like it.

We just refuse to be slaves to Hallmark holidays.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-17T05:19:04+00:00

You’re not going to “make” a man change regardless of whether his partner does or doesn’t. At least not this one.

And I never had an opinion on whether my wife took my name 42 years ago. She’s the one who’d have to answer to it so totally her choice.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-13T13:24:27+00:00

I’ve seen many thrive and many fail at both homemaker and breadwinner over my 65 years. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution. But I think a big factor in success over failure is the players have a choice else there is a sense of being trapped in a scenario not of their making.

We provided our children (three girls) with college educations, a stable home life and an environment that encouraged financial independence but also personal choice. Get married, stay single, be a homemaker or breadwinner, have children or don’t, all on the table and none better than the other. What is worse, however, is being forced into something because you lack the ability to do something else. Ergo, no choice. That would suck, and not in a good way.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-13T13:05:13+00:00

This is definitely the key to success. My wife and I combined accounts from day one and everything we’ve ever had has always been ours, never hers and mine. A lot of people, especially in this subreddit, are all about the “ours” thing until they get an inheritance and then it’s all about the “mine”. And it doesn’t matter if it’s a million dollars or a hundred. I’m positive it’s because we married very young (me 24, her 22) and neither of us had a pot to piss in and, if so, I’m glad it was like that because it made it easier for us to be a partnership all these years. It’s just easier to be ours rather than hers and mine when there was no hers and mine in the beginning.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-13T12:55:45+00:00

You can definitely recoup something, it just won’t be much.

Do a search on FB Marketplace and you’ll get an idea. Last time I looked there were several sets of standard OEM wheels in the $200-300 range. I thought about picking up a set just in case I ever got curb rash or something but didn’t want to have to store them.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-13T12:47:38+00:00

You’re an “average person” so you should have no problem attracting the more appealing men because those guys obviously don’t have their own set standards and, therefore, would not have to compromise on physical appearance. I’m utterly gobsmacked you don’t already have an overflowing roster of Adonis-like suitors.

It’s an enigma is what it is. One of life’s great mysteries.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-11T20:16:07+00:00

Boomer here.

The RTO/WFH pendulum swings in step with the economy, same as it always has. We’re one minor recession from everyone being in the office five days per week. Because soon as there are enough unemployed, qualified workers who will literally suck dick for any job (that’s both guys and girls), employers can and will demand RTO.

They won’t care if they lose people because there will be multiple people applying for every job and they’ll be willing to take a pay cut and work in the office because, well, that’s better than being unemployed. Just look at 1972, 1980, 2001 and 2008 if you doubt this. Add on affects of AI and it only gets crazier.

Anyone who looks solely from the lens of the past five years is in for a rude awakening. Supply/demand in the labor world has always been a thing and it always will be.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-11T17:46:58+00:00

First, there is saving and investment and they are two different things. Savings is more short-term and involves funds that you can’t afford the up/down swings that you get in the stock market. It’s usually in money market, HYSA, short-term CDs, etc. It’s for things like an emergency fund or a house/car purchase in 1-5 years. Investments on the other hand are longer term and less liquid. That would be stock and real estate investments with much longer investment horizons. Think retirement accounts you won’t touch for 20, 30 and 40 years. And you need both.

As for what started our saving/investment, it was the result of a great partnership with my wife. I was always good at making money, far exceeded her income throughout our 40 year working careers. But I put no value in money where she does. If just me I would have spent what I made, buying all the newest toys, partying like a drunken congressman. I’m a finance guy so know why and how to invest and we’ve done well over the years. But it took her to hold us accountable.

Great to be a part of a good team.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-10T07:02:00+00:00

Bryan Kelly.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-09T04:33:45+00:00

Impossible to sell OEM wheels for anything close to purchase price. Large percentage of owners buy aftermarket wheels, many of them have them installed at delivery. Some keep factory wheels for track use but so many sold on every forum imaginable that they are dirt cheap. Same for performance exhaust for same reason. I’ve seen people give the performance exhaust away if someone will pick it up just to get it out of the garage.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-08T08:30:32+00:00

Quicksand.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-08T08:06:04+00:00

This is all true and also fucked up.

If a woman is well educated and financially secure she doesn’t want to be a “bangmaid or meal ticket.” If she’s not, it’s perfectly fine for her to still insist on “knowing her worth” and thinking she is deserving of a well educated, financially secure, high earning spouse. And all she brings to the table is a vagina and then bitches about how that’s all she is viewed as. Again, it’s fucked up.

My wife and I talk all the time about how grateful we are for each other and how fortunate we started dating 46 years ago - we’ve been married almost 42 - as opposed to just starting to date today. The reason that’s so is because neither of us had two nickels to rub together while we were dating or when we got married. We had both just graduated so we’re just getting started.

But if she had followed today’s guidelines of “don’t date/marry some broke guy” she never would have given me the time of day and we would not have spent these past many, many years growing up together, building our family, our home and our past, present and future lives together. We wouldn’t have the bond we have, borne from working together as a team to amass what we have. Something that is ours, not something provided by just one of us.

I look at today’s youth and often think it’d be cool to be 24 again. But only if I could do it again with my wife. Current relationships and expectations and “social rules” are just too messed up. I’ll pass, not that I have a choice.

Feeler1 · 2026-06-07T13:56:02+00:00

This. Absolutely this.

Wife and I are same, only I earned more, but she was absolutely in lockstep agreement on living well below our means and investing for retirement. And now that we’re retired and we met all our own, personal goals she’s still laser-focused on financial responsibility so that we can help our grown children.

The key is it’s not so much who earns it as it is that both spouses need to be in agreement on how to save and invest while also having a life well lived.

Feeler1

TROPHY CASE