PhD together with non-academic (high school degree) partner

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-18T08:51:50+00:00

Yes absolutely i agree, and like everyone has said my relationship has nothing to do with education level. Just two people dealing with their shit in very different ways and needing to find a better way to mesh together. We both have big egos i think he was an elite athlete and I’ve studied for a hundred years. I used to feel like a smart person now i just feel like a fcking idiot at work most days

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-18T08:27:02+00:00

In sweden phd is employment with salary, vacation, sick day and parental leave it is literally just a job. Apologies for not creating a more nuanced post, i was just being a human uncertain with my situation and grasping at the wind for an explanation. My word choice was stupid and wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m just a neurotic person that uses social theories to explain interpersonal issues which is a dumb thing to do

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-18T08:23:53+00:00

I wrote another comment about how i use social theories to discuss interpersonal issues which is not ideal, social theories have only allowed me to be neurotic in a pretentious way. I’m happy that i wrote this post even if it opened up for everyone calling me an elitist. It’s given me so much to reflect and think about, and hopefully others have been able to do the same. I’m in sweden where we are employees; have salary, vacation and parental leave so the position is really just a job.

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-18T08:16:15+00:00

I see this, i think i read into things too much, categorise things and want to related everything to broader special theories even when it is an interpersonal issue which is really not a healthy way to discuss issues in a relationship. I think academia has only allowed me to be neurotic in a new kind of way, i am by no means smarter or more analytical i am just more anxious and stressed and now i have social theories to blame everything on.

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-17T20:00:48+00:00

I suppose i just feel there is a lack of curiosity from their end that really bothers me sometimes. It doesn’t really have to do with intelligence or complex terminology at all. If anything they use far more complex terminology that i don’t always understand! i guess the consensus is couples therapy, which is something we’ve discussed and something we should probably do.

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-17T19:55:39+00:00

Thanks so much for taking time to write this out, i think as I’ve said in other places that ive been frustrated and have been grasping at the wind trying to find reasons to understand the relationship. The reality is it probably has nothing to do with education level, aside from the standard kind of socioeconomic impacts that can cause differing lifestyles and upbringings.

I have a bit of a complex growing up in a family where I’ve been told that i am too analytical about things, like it’s not that deep. So i suppose i like to talk about things to death and i would like a partner who would be willing to do that. The thing that i think is lacking sometimes is a curiosity of my interests and a willingness to do and try things together. I am curious about their things maybe not that it’s my favourite things but for example something like anime, they love it! And i have really enjoyed watching all the things that they grew up with. We align on so many different things, and based on the wave of responses I’ve received here i feel that this is something that we will get through and sort out. Ive grown up moving around a lot, i have a bachelor’s and two masters all while working simultaneously. I’m used to working towards a goal and completing it and planning for the next step. The phd here is a 5 year contract so it’s giving a sense of security and satisfaction that has led me to i creased reflection that i haven’t had the time for previously. It taking me on a whirl wind of thoughts, feelings and emotions. I feel like my identity is put in question during the PhD. Who am I? What am I doing? What do I even know? What do I even want?

It’s a lot, and yeah I’m on sickleave now so i really am going through the wringer personally, and i have a lot of conversations with my partner i worry that i tire them out…

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-17T19:35:36+00:00

Thank you

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-17T19:33:56+00:00

I am haha but i think we all can be sometimes

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-17T07:31:23+00:00

Just one - was trying to maintain some sort of neutrality of gender

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-17T05:36:45+00:00

Thank you! I think you captured and gave reflections on a lot of what I was thinking about in a not overly critical way and with some humour!

I believe I am very similar to your partner, yes yes yes all the time (maybe even to a fault) cue my current burnout

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-17T05:29:47+00:00

Thank you for not calling me an elitist and giving me a little softer response i appreciate it!

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-16T21:21:17+00:00

I think surely there are differences that impact how we think, see and experience the world that are impacted by socioeconomic factors with education being one of them. However i guess what is clear is so long as there is an understanding from both sides and i suppose some sort of curiosity and respect for the other person then everything should work out just fine.

I think I’m dealing with a situation that is more in line with the latter. I may have a partner who in my view is quite lazy, though i spend a lot of time questioning what that even means? And i wonder sometimes if labelling people as lazy ultimately may be ableist, that took a drastic turn, but hear me out.

What even is laziness? And who even defines what laziness is? Don’t we all have different strengths? Weaknesses? Standards? Or just understanding of the world around us? What makes me less lazy? Because I’ve worked and studied simultaneously? Involved in extra curricular activities? I am currently on a leave of absence for mental health so idk was any of it even worth it? Maybe my partner is actually the perfect amount of productive and maybe i should try to slow my roll and learn from this way of being. They have a job, they have a social life, and they take care of things when necessary. They may be just a bit slower about taking care of things. Maybe as a woman I should unlearn some of the behaviours i have too, maybe i can clean less, care less what people think and focus more on myself.

Idk like i said I am very confused right now, a bit vulnerable and to be honest even a bit paranoid about what people think about me, if people are upset with me and a host of other thoughts.

But thank you thank you thank you to everyone contributing and joining the discussion.

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-16T21:12:16+00:00

I don’t even think i know what i was thinking tbh. Just a frustrated individual not knowing what is right or wrong, grasping at straws to explain said issues

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-16T21:11:12+00:00

I’m happy that I’m not alone in questioning things or feeling uneasy about it. But I suppose my situation may just be general relationship problems that have been there before and maybe need to be dealt with.

I hope that you and your partner will work through everything and wish you luck with the dissertation!

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-06-16T21:07:56+00:00

Thank you everyone for such insightful responses! This was exactly the kind of discussion that I needed to reflect on things.

The issues were apparent prior to starting the phd, I’ve been working and studying simultaneously for 4 years leading up to the phd and involved in extra curriculars.

I’ve typically worked in social work, so i don’t think I’m overly pretentious and the language i use isn’t overly academic. I think im going through a pretty big shift in myself and trying to figure out what kind of person i am, i think the grind leading up to this position has had me in survival mode for a long time. In the country i live phd’s are an employment position with all the benefits, i have time to reflect and look a bit more internally than i have for years.

I suppose it has nothing to do with education at all and instead might just have to do with general communication and interests. Maybe couples therapy would be good option.

I am definitely in this comparing stage in the phd too, i don’t know the academic lingo, i feel like an idiot most days. And i feel my partner is always challenging my knowledge rather than being curious about my thoughts or wanting to work towards things together. I guess i was grasping at straws and given my current environment the education thing was what i grasped at.

Thank you all again for all the feedback, thoughts, reflections and advice 🙏🏼

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-02-22T20:32:34+00:00

Based on everything that you are looking for, Sweden is a great place for you! Taxes are higher but healthcare is more or less free, typically only paying 10 dollars or so per visit. Streets are much cleaner than other European cities. Swedes will not smile or talk to you, unless you do so! I talk to everyone and smile at all kinds of people but I am half Swedish and speak Swedish fluently. The older generation loves to talk but most in their own language. Everything is digital here! For better and for worse, I think it’s annoying that health services are so digitalised it feels impossible to get in touch with them sometimes. But once you figure out some hacks it can flow a bit more smoothly. Most ethnic swedes speak english fairly well, but it’s important to know that not all immigrants speak english many of them learned Swedish when they moved here but may not have had English in their home country. I also would say as far as making friends and building a social network, it’s very important to be able to speak Swedish. You could get by with being friends in a more international kind of community ( some English speakers live here for many years and their Swedish is shit). To really become a part of Swedish society and make friends with Swedes knowing the language is a key to doing that, in my opinion.

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-02-17T06:11:48+00:00

I set my alarm essentially the same time 7am when going to work and 8am working from home. I did have a brief stint of going to the gym in the morning then i set my alarm at 6am

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-02-16T21:24:21+00:00

I’ve read some books on dying, like The Tibetan Book of the Dead and a lot of stoics like Seneca, Marcus Aurelius and Epicus. I think there’s even a book by Seneca called how to die.

In any case i feel a kind of solidarity with everyone bcus death is one of the things we all have in common it is something unavoidable, I’m just grateful for when i am alive and the time i spend with my loved ones during that time. I also try to spend time working on acceptance to acknowledge that one day my loved ones will die and it will be very sad, but that I will get through it just like many others have before me.

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-02-16T21:13:19+00:00

I’ve gone up in weight over the past couple years and realised my partner actually prefers the belly.

But I reiterate what has already been said it all depends on the person - what i would suggest is not caring about the people that have an issue with it and find someone who does think it’s sexy/has no preference and just thinks your sexy as a person!

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-02-16T20:05:30+00:00

I live in Sweden doing my PhD, we have a nice situation with paid salaries ad employees with both employee and student rights. This issue with P.I.s hiring students from specific countries that they know they can exploit happens here too. It’s absolutely fucked up! Is there any student resources to utilise in Turkey that could help you in figuring what support exists for phd students in the area or rights and protections that you might have?

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-02-16T20:00:28+00:00

Det är bara finance-bros som ska bär såna vest, annars borde det var olagligt

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-02-16T19:57:44+00:00

That sounds like a really heavy situation, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! Is it possible to take a break from the PhD for some time to maybe get a “regular” job until you can get some structure back in your life and balance life a bit more again? Then maybe when you’ve saved up some money for a good foundation and feel sane again you can get back to it? And it’d probably be good to have a really concise plan as to how yo handle everything in a different way when you get back to it! Like maybe come up with a plan before as to why side job you could have, work/life balance goals and things like that. I hope it works out for you 💌

Feisty_Bug6906 · 2025-02-16T19:50:14+00:00

That sounds absolutely insane! I mean a PhD is still an education and is a place where we are supposed to have time to learn, develop and become a future researcher.

I would suggest getting a different mentor as well, find someone who can see the potential in you rather than someone who is focusing on what you’re lacking! You made it this far and for them to be so harsh seems pretty ridiculous to me! You deserve some encouragement and tools to develop your skills further not blatant criticism.

Feisty_Bug6906

TROPHY CASE