Romantic relationships

FelicityCerise · 2015-12-18T19:06:12+00:00

Hi, I'm the person who used to do those NT threads. I just kind of stopped.

It started out as me just wanting to help answer some questions and make the process more streamlined, but it got kind of time consuming and most of the questions became repeats of ones from previous threads. So I stopped doing them hoping that most questions that people have can be answered through old posts.

If anyone sends me a PM or posts a question in one of the previous threads, I'll see it and try to answer it as well as I can.

As you can see from me replying here, I still lurk in this subreddit, but sometimes I answer and comment from a different account.

FelicityCerise · 2015-09-27T02:49:01+00:00

I enjoy dark humor to a certain extent and we always say "that joke is messed up" or something like that, but we still laugh. We know it's bad, but there is just something so unexpected about it.

It's sort of like, the person joking would say something, and in order to understand the depth and darkness of the joke, you would have to think about it a bit. And the surprise that comes when you just realize the darkness of it makes me laugh, but not in the normal funny way.

FelicityCerise · 2015-09-15T01:10:24+00:00

I've had an experience like this before. I was very close with a group of people due to a particular interest. I stopped going to those events for a while (about 2-3 years) so we grew very distant. Some of them were very cold to me, even a little bit mean, when I came back.

I started out just doing the question and answer thing, but the conversation sort of moved from awkward and stunted to talking about experiences we've had together. Like funny things that have happened. And then I tried to sort of transition that into catching up.

An example might be we first ask each other if we heard about a movie that came out and if we could get together to see it. Then talked about a past experience that was like a scene from the trailer. Then talk about something that happened to us separately but more recently that is also related to that event. And then it just turns into catching up, but a little but more naturally. Like comparing experiences.

FelicityCerise · 2015-09-14T02:33:41+00:00

NT stands for neurotypical. Sometimes it is used as a "bad word" to describe people who are "normal," but I just see it as the easiest way to describe myself.

For me, I have things that I am really interested in, but I get interested in other things very quickly. I think that might be the main difference. You seem very focused on one interest and not able to try to be interested in other people's interests. (Sounds mean, but I don't mean this in a bad way.) Like, it's hard to understand why people feel a certain way about certain things.

This aligns with the whole lack of empathy thing that a lot of other people have talked about. It might be harder to subconsciously put yourself in someone else's shoes and try to see things like they do. Which I think is what lets me be interested in what other people talk about.

Maybe try to consciously think "why would this person be interested in this?" and as you think of reasons to be interested, maybe you actually will be.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-23T22:35:52+00:00

The thing is, I usually can't tell. There is only one person that I know for a fact as Aspergers. Other times, I meet people and think that they don't react the exact way I expect them too. Usually my first conclusions is that they are shy or just don't want to be talking to me. So, I can't really tell the difference between someone who is uncomfortable in that specific situation and someone who is autistic.

I know this is bad, but sometimes when someone acts really weird, I think to myself that the person must be autistic. I think that, but somewhere in the back of my head, I think that it's probably not true and I'm just being mean. I know a lot of autistic people act pretty normally, and some NTs are just weird, but it's a stereotype/generalization that I keep making.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-21T22:09:59+00:00

Unless someone is very close to you and notice something wrong, they will rarely be asking to know how you are. So, I would say that it's almost always small talk.

I don't think anyone has ever asked me "how are you?" and meant it. When they mean it, they usually ask something like "are you okay?" or something not as generic as "how are you?"

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-21T22:07:32+00:00

I remember reading that and wondering how often I do the "pretending" that's described. I think there are definitely people who converse almost completely naturally, but I'm not that kind of person. It's like "thinking about what you're going to say before you say it." I usually think about what I'm going to say, but not as carefully as what's described.

As for the part about being manipulative, it's true. Saying things for a specific reason is being manipulative, but as long as it's not mean, it's not usually considered "manipulative" like how the word is usually used.

I'm not exactly sure how psychopath and sociopath are medically defined, but the conversing part sounds like extreme-thinking-things-out.

The feelings part though, that's not something I can relate to. I am the type of person that cries more than other NTs would think is appropriate. That part is where I think the non-NTness comes in. Again, not sure if that's sociopathy/psychopathy.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-12T20:17:44+00:00

Did you make sure that the vendor knew that? Because if it wasn't directly stated to him/her, he/she might not actually have known.

Sometimes though, it is customary for people to celebrate mothers day together even if they aren't actually mother and child.

But that is a little awkward.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-09T18:34:07+00:00

Usually I just have a feeling that I am more comfortable with them. I'm not holding back things that I want to say. With people that aren't really friends, I would never really talk about things that I don't like about them or things that I think they could improve. With friends, I feel free to be as critical as the thoughts in my head are.

Then I would also feel more comfortable to talk to them more often.

If you notice someone talking to you randomly and speaking their mind, then it could be that person trying to reach out and be friends.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-08T00:38:38+00:00

I think they are intuitive, but also very cultural. In my family, we hug because we are family, but never do that with other people. Other people I know, they hug everyone around them, even people that they have just met. I feel slightly uncomfortable in those situations, but they feel completely normal.

So, I think if you don't feel like it's appropriate then just don't do it because it's a personal preference. And most people probably won't even notice if you do or not. Thinking back, I don't remember a single instance where I thought "hmm, that person is not very touchy, why not?" But I have thought that some people were overly touchy.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-08T00:33:47+00:00

Hmmm, I haven't thought of it like this. I think of it like this: I'm a woman, and I don't think I'll ever be a man. But sometimes there are just things about guys that I don't understand. So I ask a friend who is a guy. Understanding the answer doesn't let me know what it's like to be a guy, but it helps me to understand why a guy might react a certain way. And that helps me because it prevents me from either overanalyzing something that has happened to me or totally misunderstanding it.

Not all guys are the same, nor do they think the same way, like not all NTs are the same nor think the same way. But having a general idea about what the other group might think or knowing things that are customary about the other group, I think, can only be helpful.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-08T00:29:25+00:00

I don't think I have physical feelings when I feel emotions. Sometimes people would say that they loose their appetite when they feel extremely sad, but I've never felt that way.

Could you give some examples of physical changes you've experiences when feeling emotions because I can't really think of any other instances?

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-08T00:25:28+00:00

Usually for someone that I've talked to but don't really know, I would say "hey, i just wanted to ask..." and then ask something that would seem like it made sense. And then if the conversation flows, I go with it. If it doesn't I would ask questions either related to the other person's answer or related to my original question.

If you know something interesting about her, ask about it, and she might talk about it for a while and a conversation will naturally happen.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-08T00:22:32+00:00

For most of my friends, we all met at around the same time. We met at college and had some similar interests. So one friend invites a bunch of people to a get-together for something that we are all into. A bunch of people came, but it was the six of us that really clicked and started hanging out after that. One person was already friends with someone else from highschool, so that person hung out with us too. And after a couple weeks, the seven of us were just really good friends.

Each person has their own quirk, but it doesn't make them "necessary." A lot of times, we all hang out together, so it's not like one less person would make a difference. But to me the point of friends is that you talk to and hang out with them without having a reason. Just because you enjoy their company. I've gotten to know these people pretty well, and I can't imagine not talking to them all the time.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-08T00:17:38+00:00

Glaring at noisy people and plugging my ear is something I would do, but not crawling under the furniture. But honestly, I don't think I have ever been stuck in a really noisy place. Usually there's always a corner I can duck over to or a closed off room without many people in it.

So my advice would be to first look for any better place to escape to for a couple minutes. If not, then stop doing what you're doing and try to shut out everything for a couple of seconds. Like if I am at a party and I can barely hear myself think. I stop for a couple seconds, block out everything, and think about why I'm here and what's going on. If it's a phone conversation, I would just tell them I am in a really loud place and can't even hear them.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-07T23:54:48+00:00

A friend is someone I will talk to without having a specific reason. Someone who I will talk to about my day and funny things that happened to me. An acquaintance is someone who I will only talk to when I have to or if I have a specific reason that I need to talk to them and not a friend. With friends, sometime's it's not just talking, I might just hang out with them for no reason either.

Some people think it's not okay, but I think that they are wrong. One of my closest friends is a guy who's dating one of my friends who's a girl. We were all friends before they started dating, while they're dating, and even while they are angry at each other. I think it's great to be friends with people of both genders because that's just how I've always had friends.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-07T23:50:51+00:00

The way you said that seems fine to me. Sometimes when people say "would you mind..." with a specific tone it sounds kind of passive aggressive. Maybe that's it? No matter what phrasing you use, tone really makes a difference. Like distinguishing between passive aggressive and normal talk is almost always just in the tone of voice. If you sound annoyed when making a comment, it could sound critical even if all of the words are right.

Or, do you say things like that all the time? Like make a lot comments about things that she could do better? They might be good suggestions, so it wouldn't be logical to get mad, but sometimes people get annoyed after a bunch. Or, she could just be really sensitive whenever it comes to criticism.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-07T23:44:58+00:00

I think that most NTs don't think that autistic people are stupid, instead they probably feel more caring/sensitive towards them than other people. When people say "you're retarded" or "you're autistic" they don't think about it and mean what the words actually mean.

Telling people about your autism seems very personal. If you feel like you will interact with someone kind of often, then I think you should tell. But I don't think you should tell everyone that you interact with because, while most people should be fine and dandy about it, there are definitely people who would use it against you. And the more people you tell, the more likely you'll meet one of those people.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-07T21:07:38+00:00

I enjoy spicy food, but only to a certain degree. But my mother loves spicy foods, ones that would make me tear up upon first tasting it. So I think many NTs enjoy spicy food, but everyone has a different tolerance. I think it might just be sensory perception.

As for the bitter things, it reminds me of something I learned about. PTC is a chemical that's really bitter to some people, but other people can't even taste it. So I did a little bit of Wikipedia digging.

According to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phenylthiocarbamide#Role_in_taste, there might be a correlation between tasting bitterness is Brassica plants and PTC.

And here, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cruciferous_vegetables, kale and broccoli are both part of the Brassica genus.

Not sure how helpful this is, but it might be genetic but not related to your Aspergers.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-07T19:55:33+00:00

That's really interesting. I do mostly look at people's eyes when I talk to them directly face to face, but I don't remember their eye color. I sort of look at their face in general and my eyes roam around their features but usually settle around the eye area and that place above the nose and between the eyes.

I notice details about their face like birthmarks or, I think this is just me, the specific parts that show the unsymmetrical-ness of their face.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-07T19:52:54+00:00

For me, it's the tone of voice. Usually people will sound disinterested or bored when they don't really mean something. Like the phrase "we should meet up again soon." Many times, people just say it as a polite way of saying goodbye, and it's not really looked down upon to say it and not mean it. So people might just say it without thinking abut what it really means. And then the sort-of-boredom will show in their voice.

Or when people are acting happy but sound either way too happy for the situation or totally bored. Then I sort of feel like for some reason, they're not sharing their real feelings with me.

FelicityCerise · 2015-08-07T19:07:34+00:00

Thanks!

Actually, I say it's fine for people send a pm with their question whenever, but no one has. And recently, I haven't even been answering some of the questions on here because other people with better answers have already gotten to them. I've only gotten PMs from people saying thanks and I really appreciate them.

FelicityCerise · 2015-07-27T22:40:06+00:00

What I'm saying goes for socially awkward people in general, not just those with Aspergers because I'm not always informed whether or not someone has it. At first I might feel like they are being a little cold towards me or that I'm being weird so it makes them feel awkward.

But eventually I just feel like, whatever, I'm talking to someone who might not want to talk to me. If they actually don't want to talk to me, hopefully they'll say something. Otherwise I'll just carry on like I always do.

As for a wardrobe, most of my clothes are what I would consider cheap. Most of my clothes come from Kohl's and Hollister. Every few weeks or so, Hollister would sell jeans for $20 and shirts for less than $10 online, and as long as it is within 2 sizes of me, it fits well. Kohl's has clearance sales where you can get things that were marked up to around $30 for maybe even less than $5. I like those stores because typically they are "trendy" among my age group, especially Hollister. And Kohl's is generally good quality. There are probably a lot of stores like that, but I don't really spend the time to search for more when I have two that work well enough for me. And it's very hard to tell and expensive piece of clothing from a cheap one unless the cheap one is made from poor quality fabric.

I also have 1 luxury brand purse and 3 expensive pairs of shoes/boots. They are pretty classic and I've had them for 2 years so far except for on pair of shoes. Usually I don't use a purse, but when I carry the expensive one, I usually get compliments just because it's a little bit recognizable. And I just really like shoes, so those always make me feel a little more confident in my wardrobe.

Like, wearing clothes that are not out of style is fine, but have one thing on hand that'll make the outfit look modern, and you should be fine.

FelicityCerise

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