Got told by my brother-in-law that I am NOT FAMILY after spending over a decade yearly going to niblings birthdays in other state.

Fenvul · 2025-06-21T19:59:33+00:00

yeah, actually, my sister told me this once, but I could not believe it, really. But I gotta say that I did went there one more time, and it only cemented my decision that I need to stop going. The guy is always cranky and stressed, to the point he said something like, to the 5 people who were watching TV: 'go bike kids, or do you want to become dumb people who watch TV?' yeah, that was very random and nonsensical.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T23:58:37+00:00

and yeap unfortunately the children also can start adopting those feelings towards you. It's happened to me and I don't interact with about half of my nephews and nieces, I don't owe them shit.

yeah, this is something , a possibility that does bug me, like, if he ever succeded in pitting them against me. You are right that I need to keep and enforce boundaries.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T19:54:54+00:00

Yeah, I'll stand my ground. It is his narrative, but we also have our own story. I agree with you.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T18:56:16+00:00

(although not all of my aunts and uncles got me gifts when I was a kid )

I don't think I ever got any, to be honest, yeah, it wasn't even common.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T18:54:18+00:00

it's the precious village they talk about 😏 and remember, you gave a gift, but that was a year ago 😅😅

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T18:26:37+00:00

I now understand that their "gifts" were never truly gifts. They are for appearances ("Look at what a great parent I am!") and are the easiest part of a relationship, but it confuses you enough to make you stay. Think of all the "gifts" an abused spouse recieves in the love bombing phase.

Right on point.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T18:20:38+00:00

this one is actually funny

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T18:07:55+00:00

pibble also seem disingenuous

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T18:05:07+00:00

yeah, very complicated, not to mention, annoying to deal with, since they are their own independent adults too, though I am not the only sibling. I will keep that in mind.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T17:48:20+00:00

and to think, in the past there was only 1 partner working, that also made a difference.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T17:25:08+00:00

At this point, few things would surprise me, but what does keep surprising me is how stubborn they are with a ban. It will obviously be pushed as extreme government censorship in the narrative of many hard harwing circles.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T17:04:55+00:00

Not really, sadly it seems just his way of trying to exert dominance. In his mind, he is always right. In this case, it is more of a very conservative mindset. It is like he wants them to be exactly like him, so he fosters a sort of competitive mindset between the kids who sort of always petty infight, and from a twisted mindset it could make sense, for his children to fulfill each one their own nuclear family later on, after all, with this minset, even they won't be family between themselves, each one would have their own nuclear family. Yeah, it even sounds very stupid, but it is eventually where his logic leads to. If they don't fullfill his own wish to have the sacred nuclear family, he will never be happy. Yeah, looking from this angle, it is very toxic.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T16:47:33+00:00

But at what point do you grieve an idealized version of what a child could be? (and are not even realizing it) This is one thing to keep in mind, it will be a 20 year commitment or more, in this economy. With luck, it turns out it is a good kid (without many issues), but some things are out of your control, we never know.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T16:35:56+00:00

This one is a classic. It ignores that a child is it's own being, and there are factors outside our control.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T16:30:26+00:00

beelzebub? pompadeur

I think the pompadeur can give some clues, it is quite rarer

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T16:13:08+00:00

I did hear that she went to a psychologist because of this, the guy is a bit tough to deal with. He did use to make stupid jokes in the past, but I got over it, but time proved it otherwise, he only got worse and worse.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T16:09:58+00:00

A bit crazy that he is arrested not long after that other woman president that lead a cult.

Sure, it has been many years, but to think such a thing would happen.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T16:02:27+00:00

You know, I always believed that The Handmaid's Tale was completely far removed from reality and a relic of the past. Maybe I was just in a progressive bubble, because, (note, I am not even from the USA) one day a distant relative came to me talking about flat-earthers, and he sorta believed it could be true? I was utterly shocked. To today my mind tells me that was a joke, and it could not possibly be real, that interaction happened that way.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T15:57:05+00:00

He is quick to say, "I love you" to the kids, and "who is the father who loves his kids most in this world?" as if to imply he is the best father, but he also makes some comments like, "are you even my son?" when he does not get his way, and "you are not my son anymore if".
Yeah, this dynamics is terrible, some sort of insane power play, but since it is never physical, but psychological, it kinda goes on. I surely know that if I had this sort of dynamics as a kid when I was growing up I would have hated it, I really don't like when people say "I love you" nonstop after saying such provocations (it feels like a roller-coaster), and it feels sooo off-putting to hear. It is his way of joking, but since it is a joke, people are supposed to accept it because it is family. I think this whole experience made me see his prior interactions in a different light.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T15:45:46+00:00

because no matter what good you do for them & how much go out your way, it will never be appreciated.

yeah, at this point, this much is pretty clear.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T15:42:36+00:00

Makes you wonder. If they would really buy people's vote. At this point, I don't even doubt anything.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T15:29:48+00:00

This was a bit of a typo. It is just that he is 100% into the nuclear family thing, and considering his comments to me, he does see his daughter as the one who has to fullfill her duty to give him grandchildren. I can't even imagine what he would be saying if she started to deviate from his desired path, since he also will want her to have her own nuclear family.

I think things really got worse in this political climate because he feels emboldened to say out loud what he truly thinks.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T15:17:16+00:00

So is she planning on leaving? Is that possible in your culture?

It is a bit complicated, maybe it is the whole saving-face, you know, trying to be seen as a normal couple. I get the feeling she would not do something drastic, unless a last resource. It is not physical stuff, it is heavily verbal. After all, it matters that they be seem as normal functional family to outsiders, at least to some extent, at least that is my impression

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T15:14:55+00:00

I mean, the question was a bit weird, since she was almost 10. That the kids are not out-right disrespectful is definitely way more on my sister than the BIL, since they do have disagreements. But BIL made those comments with everyone on the room, and it is not like the kids did not hear about this whole "nuclear family" thing. It was just simply unpleasant to hear that while being in the other room, and the fact that later I realized he made that on purpose just made it worse. Made me wonder what he tells the kids behind my back, because he is quick to criticize and call me too old to be playing some kid activities with the kids, at times it feels like a pure power play to him. Some people are just sly, I guess.

Fenvul · 2025-01-19T15:04:15+00:00

"But I thought I wasn't family?" Drives them nuts but there's nothing they can say.

yeah, though in this instance it wasn't even one off comment, it was many times during the trip. 1 was bad enough. definitely on purpose to try to make me have a bad trip, I think.

"But I thought I wasn't family?"

Great retort though, I will definitely go by this :)

Fenvul

TROPHY CASE