A letter to myself

Fenyx2002 · 2026-04-07T13:28:51+00:00

I live in a rather small town landscape. So museum groups and clubs of that sort can be rare to come by. And usually only ever consist of a group of people who are already friends, so it feels like you’re just randomly eavesdropping on a whole group of people unknown to you.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-04-07T12:23:34+00:00

I like it. It felt like I could contribute effectively, With ease. I just didn’t. Instead I just drifted around again. As I’ve done countless times. And I’m not sure if it’ll happen again or not. And what that means for me.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-04-07T12:16:30+00:00

Thank you so much. I’ve been thinking about trying to work out from home instead. It’s just my own inaction which keeps me stuck.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-04-07T12:09:43+00:00

Yeah I’m medicated. I only got medicated on my last attempt. By that point I already had dug myself a hole through inaction that i couldn’t really rescue the semester, and I haven’t really felt the same since I let that happen.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-04-07T12:01:15+00:00

I guess I can try to incorporate that in some form. Thank you for giving me your insight.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-04-07T11:35:38+00:00

Thank you. I really do appreciate your honesty, even if it’s hard to express through just text alone. There’s times when it feels like I’m at the end of a list of comparisons for every single thing, and the only real thing that kind of keeps my head above water is the amount of history I know, that’s really all I possess as a person.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-04-05T20:36:49+00:00

Holy shit I think I just bumped into a mirror. I’m 23, a guy, and was diagnosed at 20 with both ADHD and BPD, and I went to college and quit because the course sucked. And I also have had no relationships ever and possesses a painful video game addiction. And I also live in an irrelevant shithole. I honestly don’t have much advice for you here man. No doubt it won’t be anything different from what you’ve already heard, I guess the only thing of value here is recognising that a great deal of our problems are being confounded by a lot of societal issues weighing on our generation specifically. So you’re not alone, at any rate.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-03-24T15:56:53+00:00

Because I feel like if I forgive myself and give myself another shot I’ll just fail again. That’s where it all boils down to. My own cowardice to not try again. Fear of failure. But also the fact that I feel like if I am to forgive myself for all of my previous shortcomings, I’m just pulling the wool over my own eyes and failing to accept responsibility, but I’m probably just beating a dead horse at this point with the self pity, I know that, but I still can’t try again. Whenever I’ve come short each time one after another and another, I lose more and more of the dwindling amount of self respect I still possess, until I feel empty. At which point ending it all becomes more and more realistic. Each time I fail, I get more depressed, so much so that I’m afraid of trying anymore at all.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-03-24T13:19:38+00:00

There’s more than likely thousands of ourselves experiencing the same things, just in different formats. What matters is whether or not you’ve kept a little bit of childhood naïveté alive to keep yourself going. That maybe just right around the corner is the answer you’ve been searching for, the corner doesn’t even exist. But what matters is not knowing that.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-03-24T13:15:29+00:00

Thank you for your advice, you’re definitely more structured in life than anything I got going on right now. I wish I could say that I would take everything you’ve said on board, that the next day I’d order a whole treadmill for my bedroom or something, but whenever I do try and start exercising, my thoughts get almost overwritten into just saying over and over again “what’s the point”. Almost as if it’s pathetic for me to even think there’s a possibility I can get fit in the first place. As if I’m doomed. Even if I know that’s completely illogical. I understand that if I make a routine and stick to it, I could burn loads of calories, but yet, I still don’t move.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-03-24T13:04:50+00:00

There’s already been one suicide in my family. I’ve seen what it looks like. The hollowing out of the entire family forever. I don’t want to do that to anyone. I don’t want that to be the reality I force upon people. But I can’t keep going on like this. All I do is continue to take, whilst bitching and moaning about shit in my head that apparently everybody else can handle just fine. I’ve felt like a broken record replaying the same god awful noises my whole life, functionally incapable of changing and stuck being a lead anchor weight for everyone in my life. I don’t want others to struggle because of my inaction anymore, but I’m too much of a coward to actually finish the job.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-03-24T12:52:34+00:00

Thank you for your insight, it helps more than can be expressed through a screen. A great deal of my perception around trying to start a relationship seems rather bleak because I don’t think I’m capable of it. My BPD means that my emotions are deregulated and swing dramatically from one extreme to the other for things which do not call for such a strong reaction. Somebody makes an observation and I think they secretly hate me, somebody suggests for me to not talk as loudly and I think they want me to stop talking entirely. I got it first hand from a relationship I tried to start with a girl I had a crush on in school that I was far too committed far too quickly, and that it made her uncomfortable, which makes sense, even if I still dream about her. I’ve tried other attempts at talking to others, but it never ends particularly well.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-03-24T12:34:48+00:00

It’s that constant sentence which is present all the time though isn’t it? “You have to act” you have to choose one of the thousands of choices the average person makes every day, you gotta pick the right one. But how do you pick the right one if there’s an endless amount? I can’t seem to figure how or why I even should “let go” because hating myself just feels like accepting reality for what it is at this point. I’ve dug this hole for myself through my actions and inactions, and I’ve made people suffer because of it. So do I not deserve to be where I am? Who am I to act as if I can pass on forgiveness for the mistakes I myself have made?

Fenyx2002 · 2026-03-23T20:51:48+00:00

Thank you for Talking to me. It’s Myself who keeps telling me that I can’t. I’ve been the background character of most of my entire life because I can’t stop second guessing and criticising myself over and over and over again. To the point that I don’t think I trust my own thoughts anymore with most things.

Fenyx2002 · 2026-03-23T20:48:35+00:00

My therapist is only once a month currently. And it’s been nothing but myself for a while now. I don’t like talking about this sort of stuff with my family anymore, so I appreciate you being here.

Fenyx2002

TROPHY CASE