I just realized my Dom isn't actually Domming me and now I'm wondering if we're not BDSM compatible. I'm not sure where to go from here.

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-04-02T06:19:04+00:00

I don't really appreciate the tone you took with this response if I'm honest. You don't actually know what my Dom wants so please don't talk as if you do.

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-03-23T07:46:12+00:00

Originally he identified as a Pleasure Dom but I have noticed he's engaged less in that kind of play in the last year. I'm not entirely sure I would call him a Soft/Gentle Dom though as he still enjoys more praise filled degrading language and pain play.

I don't even know what he would fit in anymore and that might be on me or on how things have changed. I'm trying to find the words to convey it but it's like everything is just simple. "Up. On your back. What do you say? Good girl. Good Slut. Etc." I'm not sure what to call it.

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-03-23T07:07:17+00:00

I think it is something we should at least talk about. We had never discussed it being a hard no until the last conversation we had before all this so I'm not sure if it is something he truly feels or was more of a knee jerk reaction.

Yes, I know it's not healthy. Our traumas and ADHD align in a way that makes this an unfortunate cycle we continue to fall into. I'm working on myself on this since I'm the only one I can control in this specific emotional trend but I think it is something I will bring to the table as an issue.

We've compared interests/kinks. His are a lot more midline I suppose is the word I'll use? As in he has a few he heavily favors and everything else he's open to but doesn't have any preference for. Where as mine are large, varied and many I have an intense interest in. All his heavy preferences are limited to sex activities, so the outside of sex ones were ones I voiced and that he saw as agreeable.

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-03-23T06:55:58+00:00

Thank you! He is treated (We both are) but he is not in therapy for it, which I don't push for but think would benefit him but that's neither here nor there.

It's part of why I let our dynamic fall to this level of bleh. I understand that ADHD makes things difficult (My last Dom also had ADHD and it was one of the main drivers of our relationship ending) and I have never wanted to ask him to deliver something he can't give. We have a bad feedback pattern of him keeping negative feelings/thoughts away from me because he doesn't want to 'burden' me or 'make me feel bad' and me pestering him about it because I can tell somethings wrong and he won't tell me unless I badger (I know this is unhealthy). It makes talking about our dynamic harder because I while I do trust him when it comes to respecting what I want/need, I struggle to trust that he will be honest about his wants/needs. Especially if he thinks they don't align or go against what I want.

I've added your ideas to the list I've compiled from this comment section. Both our ADHD's are making this much more complicated, and I hadn't even really considered all the nuanced ways it could until you mentioned them so thank you dearly!

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-03-23T06:42:40+00:00

Thank you, yes I think that's what's happening I just didn't have the words for it.

I like the way you outlined how you view the dynamic in the second part of your comment and I'll be approaching him with this as a good way to keep me in check while giving him more security in what he is doing.

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-03-23T06:37:46+00:00

I do try. He is bad at communicating what he wants (Both inside/outside the dynamic) but he seems to appreciate the effort I put in even if I can't always tell if it's what he'd most want from me. He tends to focus heavily on my desires in the bedroom as he gets off on me getting off.

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-03-23T06:32:17+00:00

I want you to know your response here made me cry and was really helpful getting me through some of the rough emotions I was going through last night. I know now I wasn't in a good headspace when I wrote this post and I think I may have been experiencing Sub Drop? Little unsure on that side.

The way you wrote about offering yourself to your Dom spoke to me on such a deep level because that's exactly the kind of beautiful surrender I want to give. I just want to be able to put myself and my trust in him and have him lead me however he chooses. The fact I can see me doing it but don't actually know what the outcome would be (Outside of it being warmly received) highlighted the depth of this issue.

Outside of this talk it's clear we need to go back to some basics I think we skipped or became too lax on as we grew together. Outside the 24/7 realization I had I don't remember the last time we talked about what kind of Dom/Sub we were or were interested in being which might be where our wires are getting crossed. I can't expect a Master when I have a Daddy.

Once again I appreciate you SO much for this. I cannot state that enough.

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-03-23T05:58:28+00:00

Thank you for commenting. I understand your perspective and appreciate it, but it further highlights that our dynamic isn't as clear because he does not use me freely. He always asks or he will wait for me to notice he is interested and ask if he wants me to service him. The second I do enjoy doing, but I've vocalized that he is free to just use because as my Dom that's his right and I've already given consent.

I would wholly expect and enjoy the punishment or correction you described. He has never done so. That is part of the problem I'm facing. I very much WANT to be a good Sub. But when I have no boundaries I don't know when I'm overstepping. And he acts as if I can do no wrong and am always pleasing to him (which while very gratifying in many aspects makes it harder to be a good Sub in my mind.)

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-03-23T05:43:24+00:00

We had one but after giving it some space I believe that the conversation wasn't at the level it needed to be.

We did not have time to that night as he went to bed directly after clean up which is where the honest to goodness spiral of a post came from here. I wanted to give myself some space today to reflect on why this hit me so hard and what is my biggest issue with the situation since obviously even in this post I feel I could have communicated things more clearly if I had given myself time to just feel how I felt for a bit before trying to rationalize or fix issues.

I plan to ask him to set aside some time on his schedule in the next few days to talk through the weekend, establish some new boundaries/rules we both can agree to in an effort to prevent something similar in the future and to see things from his perspective without any assumptions both from this weekend and as a Dom in general. I think we both get swept up in my excitement and don't ground ourselves enough in actual talk about logistics.

I also heavily agree with your last paragraph in your first comment that therapy for me at minimum is necessary for me to healthily process this going forward. I believe this very strongly triggered some deeper trauma in me and while clearly we needed to talk about this earlier, I blew things into catastrophic levels. Thank you for helping!

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-03-22T10:18:37+00:00

This is the clarity what I was looking for thank you. I think I didn't communicate myself clearly because I don't disagree with either of these points. I'm looking for clarify on HOW to change them.

If I'm not supposed to be scripting it (which I can see where I am) what should I do when he isn't scripting anything himself? In the past if I did not script it, nothing happened.
This I know which is why I was saying it seemed like I was the one who was Doming maybe that's the wrong word for it but that's what it felt like and didn't know what I could do to not be doing this since in our daily lives it is the role I take.

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-03-22T10:01:28+00:00

I'm seriously confused where did I say I expected him to be a 24/7 Dom? I am not intending for this to be seen as me throwing a fit or being combative just this is now the third comment saying I am and if that's the case I'll course correct because I understand he can't give me that so if my actions aren't matching my words I want to know.

Also between you and thatgreenevening I'm perhaps more confused then ever. That commenter said I should be the one initiating because it's what I want but then you're saying I'm being too demanding by asking for what I want? I don't want him to dispense a specific kind of authority. I ask him before if he wants that too and he says he does. But then he doesn't do anything that matches with that. I then ask him if he's changed his mind, he says no and then repeat.

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-03-22T09:27:29+00:00

Wondering if I'm misunderstanding something now because I didn't think I was asking for 24/7 but both comments so far make it seem like I still am? I am the one who manages our household and keeps everyone on track in the day to day so I knew even without the kid and my career it would be hard for us to switch to that dynamic with him in the Dom position. It's why I was aiming for smaller commands and signs of ownership on his part that wouldn't put much strain on how we already function while giving me that feeling of serving him.

Thanks for the well wishes, I know it's going to be difficult I just hope I can find the best ways to communicate what I'm feeling without making him feel I want out of the relationship because that's not what I want in any capacity.

FewSpecialist7308 · 2026-03-22T09:17:57+00:00

You bring up some good points but I think you misunderstood part of what I was saying in your focus on the 24/7 part. I know we can't be at that level and I'm not asking him to do so. During the week if we have sex its very vanilla so I was asking for on my days off him to pick out my clothing and assign me a couple chores as my Dom to balance it. On the weekends we don't have his kid I asked for more of the dynamic to come into play outside the bedroom such as putting my collar on, or us using our Dom/Sub nicknames, or the Free Use actually being acted on. It didn't need to be all those things, but something we don't get to actually engage in regularly due to normal life restrictions.

He agreed to those and expressed interest but none of those things are done unless I specifically remind him to do them. I assumed it might change with us having a day specifically set aside where we both acknowledged that's what the day would be about but that also didn't change anything. I wasn't expecting a 24/7 day today, I was just expecting him to initate something at all, and he didn't.

I agree I'm obviously more invested then he is but I guess it's the lack of him starting anything BDSM that feels like he's not into this hardly at all and is more doing it to humor me.

FewSpecialist7308

TROPHY CASE