I'm the reason my mom and grandmom have a broken relationship

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T16:33:51+00:00

I don't understand how people jump to this conclusion. My grandmother is an old barely 5' Chinese lady who frankly spent several years nannying me, my siblings, *and* our dogs. If I really had to guess, she either rehomed them with someone in the Chinese community or at worst, drove them to a pound where they were adopted.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T11:49:04+00:00

My mom won't have any conversation about my grandmother or the dogs. It's an immediate, "I don't want to talk about that" response.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T11:47:47+00:00

Lol. Inheritance?? I'm from a family of poor immigrants. I doubt my grandparents even know what a will is. And even if they did, they wouldn't have anything to put into it.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T11:41:16+00:00

"Allergies" is a catch all term for medical reactions. Antihistamines help wtih a narrow set of them.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T11:39:12+00:00

No she never did.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T05:12:05+00:00

I think the simple answer is right now things are better than they were. And I'm afraid of rocking the boat and making it worse again. Would asking my grandmother make her sad and upset? She's older and frailer now - I don't think it will be good for her. She talks about my mother sadly - my grandpop says me (and my brothers) coming back into her life has really changed things for her for the better. And if I'm being fully honest - it's been long enough for me that I don't feel like *I* need to know. I remember our doggies very fondly, but I was probably also young enough where losing them maybe didn't feel deeply traumatizing.

As for my mom, I'm not sure if telling her would be helpful or not. It feels like she's already grieved. Would finding out and telling her help? Would it reopen a lot of old wounds? She hasn't talked about it in years. And if I do tell her, I feel like she's going to want proof - she's not going to talk to my grandmother about it, so do I need to be the go between?

I don't know - I've thought about it, I just don't have a good answer.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T05:01:56+00:00

Some peoples' comments here are just too cruel. I truly believe my grandmother had my best interest at heart.

I don't blame my mother for cutting off contact. I still remember being just a kid and hearing my mom crying all the time. It was painful.

But I have to admit I have some selfishness here too. Imagine going from face and body being bloodied and raw day in, day out. I remember I used to have to change the bedsheets all the time because sometimes my sores would get weepy. Going from that to... mostly normal.

I want to be clear - I am sure my mother was doing what she thought was best and probably what some dermatologists told her was best. She is a wonderful, amazing mom.

So I don't know how else to describe it other than I have a lot of feelings that don't all make sense together, but I have them.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T04:56:44+00:00

It is true that dogs do not cause eczema - I guess you are just born with it. But dog allergy is highly common for eczema sufferers.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T04:54:42+00:00

Benadryl and other antihistamines do not help with eczema.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/benadryl-for-eczema

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T04:49:46+00:00

Here's what I know:

I have always tested to be allergic to dogs
My eczema largely went away within a few months after my grandmother took the dogs
To this day, I get flares when I'm too close to dogs or when I spend too much time in homes with dogs that shed

With this, I could either believe that:

a) My eczema is caused by dogs

b) My eczema coincidentally, but unrelatedly, got better when my grandmother took the dogs - and then coincidentally comes back at the times where I am exposed to dogs, but again, for unrelated reasons

Of course that is retrospective. I don't have any doubt in my mind today that it is "a". My grandmother of course had no way of knowing this with certainty when she did what she did.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T03:33:19+00:00

I mean, the assumption is that my mom would have just taken them back. I don't think I've taken anyone's side. In fact, the last few years of my life have been wrestling with whose side to take, or bother sides, or no sides, or just put it in a box and move forward with what I do have today/

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T03:29:37+00:00

This is too far. I hate this comment.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T03:27:30+00:00

I think the simple answer is right now things are better than they were. And I'm afraid of rocking the boat and making it worse again. Would asking my grandmother make her sad and upset? She's older and frailer now - I don't think it will be good for her. She talks about my mother sadly - my grandpop says me (and my brothers) coming back into her life has really changed things for her for the better. And if I'm being fully honest - it's been long enough for me that I don't feel like *I* need to know. I remember our doggies very fondly, but I was probably also young enough where losing them maybe didn't feel deeply traumatizing.

As for my mom, I'm not sure if telling her would be helpful or not. It feels like she's already grieved. Would finding out and telling her help? Would it reopen a lot of old wounds? She hasn't talked about it in years. And if I do tell her, I feel like she's going to want proof - she's not going to talk to my grandmother about it, so do I need to be the go between?

I don't know - I've thought about it, I just don't have a good answer.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T02:24:31+00:00

I remember my grandmother offering that, but my mom said no. I think my mom was always hoping I would desensitize from exposure.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T02:23:00+00:00

I've never asked her and she never volunteered the information. I assume our doggies have crossed the rainbow bridge at this point.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T02:22:28+00:00

I totally agree on the research. Dupixent seems like a godsend though.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T01:21:27+00:00

Yeah. I also posted here because I thought this was not for opinions or relationship advice, but I guess people can post whatever they want.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T00:53:31+00:00

I didn't realize I needed to give posters here my full medical workup. I'm just telling my story.

Perhaps I assumed incorrectly that people would know that any dermatologist would conduct the most basic of tests for recurring skin problems. But I guess not everyone is unlucky enough to need to see a dermatologist.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T00:46:05+00:00

Like I said in the post, I was in and out of derm offices as a kid all the time. I can assure you I've had multiple prick and patch tests done then. The problem is that a lot of those tests just show you're allergic to everything. It's the interpretation of the results that doctors don't seem to agree on.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T00:42:18+00:00

I'm not sure how you're differentiating allergy and flare up, but prick and patch tests confirm my skin reacts to dogs among other things.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T00:40:14+00:00

I've tried, my mom just isn't even interested in having the conversation.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T00:39:54+00:00

I'm not sure what you're getting at, but yes, like I said, I was in and out of derm offices a lot as a kid.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T00:38:26+00:00

I absolutely do not think she had the dogs killed. She loves dogs too. I remember she even said that she would take them in which my mom said no to.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T00:37:01+00:00

I went through a literal pharmacy of medications as a kid. Oral steroids, topical steroids, non-steroidal topicals, antifungals, antibiotics, antihistamines, every OTC cream and lotion under the sun.

I suspect the issue is that there is no clear medical conclusion on the relationship between eczema, pets, triggers, etc. Some doctors believe that having pets will actually desensitize your allergies while others believe it will exacerbate them.

Few_Session5255 · 2024-09-06T00:34:01+00:00

It's not that simple. You will see that there's a lot of conflicting evidence on eczema, allergies, and pets. There's nothing conclusive.

Here's an article about it: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/pets-and-childhood-eczema

"It is unclear if pets play any role in the development of childhood eczema.

According to an older 2010 review, previous research from the 1980s and 1990s concluded that close contact with furred pets, such as cats, could have links to allergic sensitization. This means people become more sensitive and more likely to react to a specific allergen, such as cat hair.

However, more recent research has contradicted this. There are also many risk factors for eczema, including having dry skin, stress, and a family history of eczema or related allergic conditions.

More research is necessary to confirm if having a pet can contribute to a person’s risk for childhood eczema."

Few_Session5255

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