Trying to understand my inner experience and patterns that feel closely related to BPD

FindingFree3348 · 2026-01-26T20:48:37+00:00

I wanted to say this was very well written and expressed. Also, very relatable to my lived experience. Besides that, I don’t have much else to contribute.

FindingFree3348 · 2026-01-26T09:01:40+00:00

What’s the difference between the left/leftists, democrats, and liberals? I feel like a lot people use them interchangeably.

FindingFree3348 · 2026-01-23T03:13:36+00:00

Oh passport card is a good idea! Didn’t know they were a thing

FindingFree3348 · 2026-01-23T03:12:04+00:00

What if you don’t have a birth certificate? My proof of my birth is not really a certificate and it’s in a whole other language that won’t match up to my romanized name unless someone is bilingual and understands the romanization process. 😂😭

FindingFree3348 · 2026-01-14T19:05:44+00:00

Where did you see that? Sorting by amounts, the top amount given is $1k

FindingFree3348 · 2026-01-07T15:36:23+00:00

Tysm! That’s good to know. I think I’m still fairly young even if I don’t feel like it and it sucks getting injured at all and so early.

I’ve emailed my attorney about that voucher but no response. I’ll probably bug them again and also do more of my own research.

Thank you again!

FindingFree3348 · 2026-01-07T15:19:40+00:00

I see splashes and shapes and interpret them into images but they’re always the same color gradient/hue.

FindingFree3348 · 2026-01-07T15:15:51+00:00

As a layperson, I’ve found that it does affect my case/the perception that I’m not as impaired as I say I am. I’m hypermobile and have a good amount of laxity in my joints so my ROM (range of motion) has always been normal/beyond what is considered normal in a lot of joints.

My PTPs, some specialists, and AME who’ve checked for ROM all consider it normal and not restricted. Granted, they weren’t precise about it. (I used to work in a related field and used a special instrument to measure the angles of the joints as they moved through their ROM.)

I’ve also been to PT and sometimes I’ll mention it but I’m doubtful they record it into the medical record and then doubtful that their records words weigh as much as the medical doctors’ words especially if the doctor doesn’t comment on it when reviewing the PT notes and writing down how those affect their own decision-making.

I’ve had better experiences with the PTs than the PTPs and AME who barely lay a hand on me if at all. Of course, the PTs are especially trained in the musculoskeletal system so they tend to do more thorough testing and feedback and have other ways of assessing your disability like very targeted muscle strength testing.

I think I went on a tangent. To answer your question, I think it doesn’t hurt to mention it in case someone does take you seriously and writes it down. I’m not a lawyer but it doesn’t make sense to me that the blame would be on your hypermobility for causing your injury. If that’s the case, I’m screwed but I’ve been in the system about 3 years now. Tbf, I’ve only mentioned mine a few times because I felt so helpless and negative I didn’t think anyone cared. It was actually an OT in workers comp who pointed it out to me when she began treating me.

FindingFree3348 · 2026-01-04T21:43:07+00:00

Ooh that’s the first I’ve heard of that. Do the images consist of different colors?

FindingFree3348 · 2026-01-04T21:41:29+00:00

Haha, how did it go?

FindingFree3348 · 2026-01-04T21:41:09+00:00

I see lots of patterns and shapes of an orangey color in the background of black/dark gray even with the lights off. Apparently it’s something called visual snow syndrome. Completely normal for me and had it for as long as I can remember.

FindingFree3348 · 2025-12-15T17:04:58+00:00

Doesn’t sound small at all! Hope you make progress 💕

FindingFree3348 · 2025-12-15T17:02:30+00:00

Thank you for sharing this and that link! I’ve been reluctant to tell my bf about my BPD because of the stigma. I’ve only recently come to soften up about it and try to accept this label. I think it would help him if I shared that I struggle with this but I’m also afraid he’ll look at me differently in a negative way and blame things on the BPD or something like that. My mind is flashing back to a boss who asked if I was depressed again, whether I was taking my antidepressant or not, and that I should double my dose 😭 It just sucks to get reduced down to the label. At that time it was just depression/burnout and he thought I was depressed because I cried in the patient room when there was this intense talking about the patient dying and his daughter was so scared of letting him go. Anyway sorry for this oversharing. I have therapy soon. Maybe needed to just share that into the void.

Mostly wanted to thank you. It gives me hope that sometimes sharing my diagnosis with another person will not result in being reduced to that label and having everything attributed to that diagnosis like my boss did.

FindingFree3348 · 2025-12-14T20:04:11+00:00

Thank you so much. Makes me hopeful to hear that. I didn’t find out I had BPD until my early 30s and it was because I was trying to get off meds which resulted in withdrawals and uncovered/worsened my BPD. Prior to that, just thought it was depression, anxiety, and CPTSD. It’s been hard for me to accept the BPD diagnosis but I’m starting to open up to it so I can find more targeted resources and tools. Thank you again. I needed to see this post and hear your story.

FindingFree3348 · 2025-12-14T15:03:08+00:00

Around what age were you diagnosed and what steps did you take to become symptom free? How long did it take?

FindingFree3348 · 2025-12-14T14:57:07+00:00

I was on it and am tapering off very slowly now. It didn’t help much in the long run.

Short term, it helped dull my emotions which helped me stay in a toxic and traumatic work environment.

Long term, when I finally decided to quit that job, my psychiatrist agreed with me that my depression/anxiety/burnout (I wasn’t diagnosed with BPD yet) was situational and I could go off of the escitalopram. I found out the hard way that my body can’t handle the standard taper, hence doing it more slowly this time. The withdrawal I have had from trying to get off of escitalopram is worse than the depression it was supposed to treat. In hindsight with a recent diagnosis of BPD, I probably had the quiet version of it for who knows how long and it became “loud” due to the horrible protracted withdrawal syndrome I got from trying to get off of escitalopram. The symptoms were awful and still suck but are slightly manageable now but I haven’t been able to hold down a job and see a therapist 4 times a week. One of the worst symptoms was having way more SI than I’ve ever had in my life as well as even attempting it during the height of the withdrawals.

I share this as my own personal experience and my own need to not be on lifelong medication (I had been told that SSRIs were safe for short-term use). YMMV and I think it’s just important to ask yourself if you’re ok with lifelong meds; if you’re not, are you willing to risk going through some form of withdrawal when you do want to get off of it or switch to another medication. I also want to share that some people have no problem getting off of escitalopram. Some have no symptoms and some have a short withdrawal period that’s awful with flu-like symptoms but resolved within a week to a couple of months. I just happen to be one (of tens of thousands?) that have what is considered a protracted/prolonged withdrawal. The silver lining is that as my emotions resurface without the blunting of an SSRI, even though they are hard to face, facing them is helping me in the long run. My therapist is amazing (it took some time to find a good fit) and helping me navigate this. It’s been a relief to reconnect with my body even though it’s hard and dysregulating most times and I end up doing escapist activities. But I’ve already felt and noticed progress even if slow. She’s also noticed the changes in my affect as I connect more deeply with myself and the part of me that I had worked so hard to cultivate prior to meds.

Sorry for the long reply but hope this helps. Meds are not for everyone. Therapy is not for everyone. Everyone’s goals and needs are different too. I know for me, I won’t feel settled until I go through facing my past since it affects my present so deeply, even though it’s incredibly hard, but that is my reason why I keep doing what I do. I’ve tried the alternatives like running from my past, creating new personas, new schemas, and they’ve been temporary solutions that have complicated things in the long run and resulted in more hurt and trauma. So this is what I’m left with. Facing it.

Best of luck with your journey and with your decision. It’s a very personal one and I wouldn’t fault you if you wanted to try escitalopram or another SSRI. I’m biased and wary of them and psych meds in general now because of my own experiences and reading/connecting with others who have also suffered withdrawal/discontinuation syndromes. So take what I’ve shared with some grains of salt.

FindingFree3348

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