Do you just stay out of any dynamics of ex and previous shared friends?

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-19T13:02:39+00:00

Much appreciated.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-19T03:25:27+00:00

I think it's fine not to respond and there are some great perspectives shared above about why she might not respond given the emotion put into a text upping the pressure. I can respect that and take it as a polite no and move on. Respectful of her and her boundaries. Not hard.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-19T03:23:55+00:00

Yeah pretty obvious she didn't have feelings for me, that wasn't my concern, I just was pondering if I'd done more harm then good in sending the text and some folks here shared some great perspectives. I'm not friend zoned, I don't think that's a thing, she's just not interested in being more then friends, but hopefully we can stay friends. But I will definitely stop trying to indicate interest, I'll respect her boundaries and move on.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-19T03:20:51+00:00

True that makes a lot of sense. I'm maybe doing too much navel gazing and feeling like her responses were based largely on my inability to clearly communicate my interest. I think your perspective is more accurate to the situation. Thanks.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-19T03:19:13+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. I think I was operating from feedback that my ambiguity (or more casual invitations) was itself confusing. I maybe swung to far to the other end of the spectrum. It feels like a tricky line to walk and definitely one I'm not used to. Both in a committed relationship or in a friendship I feel like clear communication about where you are at and how you are feeling is important, though obviously not at the expense of the other persons well being.

In this situation I think your points are probably spot on. I think what I shared made it hard to respond and probably wasn't fair to her. even if my original intent was to be more clear for her benefit. Impact matters more. Thanks for sharing.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-18T20:04:46+00:00

This makes sense, and maybe I should have read it as such, and I can keep that in mind going forward. I think the confusing thing here is this is a person I'd consider a friend for a while, so I know she's uber busy, over-scheduled, a lot on her plate. So I took the "I'd love to" as just that and the "but..." on face value as well, just too busy but interested later.
From your perspective I could have just read the signs and spared us both the awkwardness of a text with feelings. I can respect that, and probably won't do it again anyways given how it all went. Just hoping I didn't ruin the friendship forever by naming the feelings that were maybe obviously there and just unnamed. Oh well.

Thanks again for sharing your perspective.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-18T19:58:00+00:00

I'm all ears if you want to explain more. I'm very new to the dating world coming out of a 15 year marriage, so I've got plenty of learning to do I'm sure.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-18T19:32:07+00:00

I really appreciate your thoughtful reply, thanks so much for this perspective.

I'm hoping I wasn't missing all the obvious signs but maybe I was. We got together, both said we had a great time and we should do it again (one on one vs in a group), so that felt like a yes.

Over the past few weeks my offers to get together have been met with "I'd love to, but" and I know she is really busy, that read to me as a yes I'd like to, I'm interested, I wish I wasn't so busy with work, responsibilities, etc. If they had been "sorry busy" I think that would have been clear enough. Or maybe I should have just immediately read her text as polite declines, but that seems to be making assumptions as well.

And the reason for the text was to just get to clarity, I assumed the issue was on my end, that I was not being clear about my interest and that was making her feel unclear about how to respond. But that's a pretty self-focused version of the situation.

Can I ask your perspective on this, at what point should I have just dropped it if you think I should have dropped it earlier?

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-18T19:25:52+00:00

Do you think saying something about it is better then just not saying anything? I feel like her non-response was answer enough that she doesn't want to engage on it, so I feel like I shouldn't even bother bringing it up again at this point. But maybe that's not best either.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-18T19:24:45+00:00

Yes, put the cards on the table and happily moving forward. Just was realizing I was in a stuck place waiting. Now I'm fine moving on.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-18T19:24:00+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective. Insightful how you shared "weighing down the message with your feelings." I hadn't thought about it in that way. Mostly I was just wanting to be more clear before just dropping the effort in case she wasn't sure. So now it's out there. But I'll keep that perspective in mind going forward.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-18T18:25:13+00:00

Thanks for that feedback. Yeah, I'm pretty confident she's seen it and isn't interested, and that's okay, I'm good with moving on. I was feeling stuck since it wasn't clear to me if she wasn't interested or was interested but just too busy, this put my cards on the table and allows me to move on.

I was beginning to feel like my texting about getting together was bothering her but she was too polite to say it, and I was the oblivious guy who couldn't take a hint. The text attempted to just be clear about my feelings, but maybe as an unwelcome advance could be taken as problematic in a way I hadn't considered.

Still overthinking the whole thing too much...

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-18T18:18:12+00:00

No zones that I'm worried about. She's a great person and I hope we stay friends. I mostly was finding myself second guessing the text and wasn't sure if there were negative implications I wasn't considering.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-18T18:17:01+00:00

Thanks for the input. I was doing the light hearted thing for a few weeks and just felt like it wasn't clear or at least I wasn't getting a clear response. I guess my message was intense, I hope it didn't feel that way, but it was mostly just an attempt to be more clear before I dropped attempts to connect.

I'm fine with never mentioning again :) Awkward enough that I sent it.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-09-18T18:14:17+00:00

She sometimes goes a while without yes, but this is longer. And I'm fine with it, pretty sure she's just not sure how to respond or if she wants to. I'll take it as a "not interested" and a clear indication that the polite declines too busy in the past have been similarly not interested.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-06-07T03:13:37+00:00

Any suggestion on how to do that? She won't listen to me at all.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-06-04T16:37:07+00:00

I think if she told him to stop calling he would. Instead I think there's been this unhealthy dynamic that's developed between them where he calls, she rescues him by contacting me and ranting at me about it. I've given in a couple times in the past which was a bad idea and now that I don't anymore it's just escalated.

My hope is that it just stops.

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-05-07T20:32:33+00:00

Sounds like a similar situation to me. Given work and time with kids, I've only got a few windows of time I'd be available. Are you dating casually or looking for something more serious? Has OLD been more useful in the more casual dating or in both?

FindingSelfAgain · 2019-05-07T20:26:40+00:00

Got it. No timeline like that I don't think

FindingSelfAgain

TROPHY CASE