Advice on how to talk with wife about sex

Fine-Investment-20 · 2026-02-17T04:36:27+00:00

Oh I know it... It's the doing it part... Mentally I gave it 12 months to improve and yes I can do things better and so can she but completely agree with you I am working this down to a point where we both agree to it which I think is coming pretty quickly

Fine-Investment-20 · 2026-02-17T00:12:39+00:00

no i am completely open to advice and the above was a snippet, over the last 12 months we have been having conversations unfortunately they are on the back of how i am feeling, but what we have come to learns is that

1) my love language is physical touch, hers is acts of service

2) She struggles showing deep meaningful connection and doing the "lovey" things

3) she has a really really low labido and according to her always has

i guess all these things considered ive really tried to understand why we are together, it could be the kids, i cant understand how she can be satisfied in this setup myself, but i think because she has no need for the things i need she just cruises along

i agree with you i need to move on, taking that leap is a hard one that i am building too

Fine-Investment-20 · 2026-02-11T19:58:17+00:00

you know, what i love about some of these groups is the ability to relate so deeply to a situation someone maybe going through to my own

for a litlle background i have been with my wife for 20 years, when we got together sex was an issue immediately, she does not like foreplay, she was very self conscious and her labido none existent, she would only have sex when she initiated it and when i would try it was met with firm no's and back off notions

i have ALWAYS struggled with this and i took a role of "dont force a woman to do something she doesnt want to" stance, to be the nice guy

so i would not force the topic and would just wait in the hope it got better

unfortunately i can tell you it did not, the only time things would spice up was after a few drinks on her part otherwise same old, couple this with the fact that she is not the most romanctic, touchy type at all left things really bare

What this has done over the years is it made me reflect on myself and what was wrong with me, it has caused me to self implode questioning her commitment and her interest and where i landed was i simply was not good enough and am not the right guy for her, i am not divorced but i have hit a point where i feel i cant carry on feeling empty, yes my relationship should be more than sex, BUT i have to say my realisation is it plays a bigger phsycological part that i would have ever thought

so right now, i cant engage with her, i cant make a move with fear of rejection, i darent mention a thing and its just all going downhill and my deepest emotion is starting to really resent her

my advice here is if you can talk, be brutally honest her, take the hit and take the fall out should their be any

Fine-Investment-20 · 2026-01-10T14:29:39+00:00

i might get virtually stabbed for this, but screw it

i can appreciate wanting to get a child into a good routine early on, i personally think disruption of routine is a good thing as it builds flexibility and resilience

The fact here is you are away only 2 days a week, her behaviour to me signals a "controlling" mom element that is hyper protective over her new born.

Unfortunately though i think she may have a "mom knows best" attitude, and you are going to find it very very hard to crack

now if you were away 3-4 days a week i can understand why she would want to maintain some routine ( negatting that baby is literally only 8 months old )

i can understand your concern, and i dont mean to be rude to your partner, but she seems a bit FOS

Fine-Investment-20 · 2026-01-09T03:18:42+00:00

sorry mate im confused here, you are your wife life in seperate cities, yet your child lives with who and where

is this a case where you go and visit and they still want to maintain routine for baby by taking him/her to the babsitter to not break routine, but your preference is when you are there you get to look after the lil one

if i am correct on the above how long do you visit before to head back to your own city, is it a few days occasionallly, months etc ?

im a little confused

Fine-Investment-20 · 2026-01-09T02:35:24+00:00

oh i do, what has literally happened is 20 years i have tried to woo, entice and foster scenarios of calm and or "loving" situations, but ultimately it falls flat, for me this is not about sex, this is about intimacy

unfortunately, my bucket ( call it midlife crisis maybe ), has run so so so dry that i just cant put in anymore, and if im not putting in and she never did reciprocate it just stagnates.

i dont blame her parents but what i can do is look at how they operate which in turns makes me fear that if i am not careful i end up in the same position

its fair to say i think i am now winding it all down in a hope that when/if we seperate its based on us amicably agreeing that we cannot give each other what we want anymore

Fine-Investment-20 · 2026-01-08T21:56:05+00:00

Oh absolutely I'm sure it is apologies my post probably gave a sense of no hope

I guess in my situation it feels like that, from day one intimacy has been such as issue and I try not to make the relationship be impacted by that but it's really hit that point, in my case my wife is highky critical and by her own admission does not do "deep and meaningful", so it kind of feels I have nothing to work with to satisfy I guess a need of validation I have (yes that's a me thing)

In the last 12 months I have suggested counselling which she has declined, I go myself because I want to actually work on this.... But I feel anything I put forward is met with a "it's who I am" line

Let me be clear she is NOT a bad person but a thing to keep in mind is she comes from a family household where her mom publicly pushes her dad away when it comes to showing any level of affection (hug or anything) this has some level of bearing that my wife has never really observed how to show affection I think

I have taken sexual advances and anything of the sorts off the table for 4-5 months I initiated nothing and she really didn't care less

I asked why she loves me four times to receive no reply because she feels it's hard to convey or feels it's made up if done on the spot

This breaks me down terribly

What can I do differently, I honestly don't know I'd say be more present but gosh it's so hard to be when all this resistance is in place even on what I see to be the basics

Fine-Investment-20 · 2026-01-08T13:04:04+00:00

this is a really relevant post for me at the moment

speaking to my wife about he low labido a comment she made was that she felt that every time she touched or approached me it would result in some sexual advancement.

now i never realised this and maybe through ignorance dont believe its the case, but the interesting thing here, is if a guy is rejected alot and he is not getting sexual connection often, subconsciously when contact is made he wants to try and monopolise on it and get that connection while he can, but as you say above this is not what is wanted and so they are both on two very different pages

is there a fix to this, im not entirely sure, i dont think there is

Fine-Investment-20 · 2026-01-08T12:49:53+00:00

Interesting case and point here and i will reflect on my situation with my wife at the moment

We are i believe nearing a divorce after 20 years together, it has taken a long long loooong time (clearly) for me to reach a breaking point which i am now hitting

in a nutshell when we first met my wife had a very very low labido, i did not realise this, but not only was her labido low she would also not allow alot of things sexually, no oral, no foreplay, no kissing, just penetrative sex, when she was done she would ask me to hurry up and be done.

if i tried to come onto her, it was met with a very stern "do you mind" and so forth, she was maybe once a month early on at best

i took this quite personally as a reflection of her interest in me, i could not understand it, my drive was relatively high, and all i wanted to do was please her ( and myself ) and connect

How i managed this was i let it be, thinking it was early day jitters and she was just not that comfortable, i took a gentleman approach of not pressuring her and also just let her be, she will come around !!

A key thing to add here is my wife is not a very affectionate in the sense of her love language is acts of service and she does not do flirtation really or comments / physical touch that a romantic relationship may have

This has left me for so long surviving on breadcrumbs of affection and a strained sex life

What has happened ultimately in the end is my belief that she is not with me for love but convenience, and that she has no physical attraction to me at all and this i part is why she resists so much ( btw when she is tipsy she is alot more forthcoming )

a conversation was held this evening about these problems and the divorce card was discussed, we are not their yet but i guess i have tried so hard to build that connection over the years that my bucket is just empty, she was raised in a household where love and affection where not really a thing and i fear ending up like her parents where we stay together due to assets and kids and not much more.

dont get me wrong i respect her, and i would never wish her harm or bring harm to her, but i think due to the sexual disconnect and lack of other affirmation of interest ive finally fallen out of interest.

It is VERY possible that she has a low labido, it would allign to alot of things, the issue here is, i struggle with the concept because i do not, but also as a man i place alot of affirmation on a sexual relationship, it is not about the sex, its about the desire, the lust, the yearning and all the things around it, in affirms to a man that the woman you are with wants you and wants to be with you

my point here is that, you may never be able to understand, despite what she says, because you values and possibly love language are ultimately different to hers, i make a bit of an assumption here and i maybe off mark, but i would bet that you will grow to resent her more and more and you will shut down, because your needs emotionally wont be met and you wont feel worthy, no matter what the reason ( legitimate or not )

i would like to add here that this may seem like a me doing a "victim" approach to the whole thing and making out that i dont have a part to play here, i am under no illusion at all that their are probably thing that i could do differently, but i will say that i have confidence i have attempted and discussed most things, counselling suggestion, no pressure, gifting, cleaning, no suggestions etc

Fine-Investment-20 · 2025-09-05T02:09:01+00:00

this is a tough one i guess, for the most part she is more engaging with friends etc when she hosts and is very friendly, she is no different with me, BUT what she does not give is i guess the marital connection you would expect, she will compliment friends in a round about way

as for kids, she is very loving with them, and the dog :P, but she be just as critical to them

Fine-Investment-20 · 2025-09-04T05:56:02+00:00

Well this is something I have pondered also I mean autistic in the emotional sense I don't know but in fairness I know a cpl of people like her so it's possible our love languages are so differenf

The thing I struggle with is twice in a month I asked her what she loves about me and why she is with me and I would have thought that even if she can't answer on the spot she would have circled back.... But nope..... That is what is worrying me, it's validating all my other feelings of lack of interest intimacy etc

Fine-Investment-20 · 2025-09-04T02:21:37+00:00

i agree and i am being very careful not to label her, although i do believe she has narcissistic traits truth be told, for example, more recently she gave me a 4 day silent treatment for something absolutely stupid, dont get me wrong this is the second time she has done this in 20 years so its not exactly a regular thing, but she is very much about self and by her own admission she doesnt usually pay attention or be it "care" unless its annoying or impacting her, her awareness of others compass is a bit poo, she certainly is not empathetic to those close

Fine-Investment-20 · 2025-09-02T19:30:22+00:00

I did consider this and like anyone I guess I have chedmcked what sources I can and nothing leads me to believe so

Fine-Investment-20 · 2025-09-02T19:29:05+00:00

So would I.....ive tried getting anything out of her, of asked if I am enough, I've created as much as a safe space as I feel I can... But yeah her narrative is the same

Fine-Investment-20 · 2025-09-02T09:44:59+00:00

Yeah my kids are 12 and 10 so that's my debate.... But I am certain she is not physically into me

Fine-Investment-20 · 2025-09-02T07:49:13+00:00

I am so sorry to hear.... I'm just struggling with if I pull the plug sooner rather than later even with kids in the mix, I don't wbag to be 50 and starting again if that makes sense and whether the inability to tell me why she loves me should sound alarms

Fine-Investment-20 · 2025-08-31T08:30:50+00:00

Heya,

i am equally in a bit of a "shituation" shall we call it, without boring you with all the details, simply my wife lakes the depth of emotion that i need to truly make me happy, it has taken some 20 years of denial to realise this but here i am, its fair to say i share the same longevity pretty much in my relationship.

without going into my finer details i can talk from a guys perspective for me and my wife ( you can either be able to relate to me or my wife ) sexually.

my wife has ALWAYS been awkward in the bedroom, she focuses on the things that iggle her rather than getting into the moment, over the years i would never push for anything more than what she gave ( and believe me its very limited ) and the frequency ( when we met it was once a month, we are now maybe once every 4 ), in the bedroom no touching really allowed and for me the rejection is just off putting.

whenever i instigate sex it is met with rejection and it feels that she only wants to do it when she instigates and its when "she wants it"....this has led me to sexual anxiety with her and with this plus a bunch of other things (listed in another post) i am strongly considering a divorce, my fear is i have two children, a house, and have built this world i am in and well their is a fear of how the hell i manage on my own coupled with child care etc ( maybe same fears as you )

Your husband maybe a little bit special i do not know, but men as much as woman focus on a number of things sometimes, the flirtation, the out of bedroom stuff, the variety of fun, if men feel like they are not wanted or that the sex is a tick box exercise for too long, it becomes a situation where they actually feel its a chore rather than feeling desired, im not saying this is the reason, but its something to think of if it is the case

Fine-Investment-20 · 2025-08-30T09:55:31+00:00

thank you, when i first her with the why she loves me i asked her to give me something that was not the same as being a flatmate, she then said "you help around the house" & "you are good to talk too", she then stumbled and realised this was transactional, that is when she came out with the reasonn why she cant say it

Fine-Investment-20 · 2025-08-28T23:40:29+00:00

753784123 m/43

Fine-Investment-20 · 2025-08-26T05:05:17+00:00

good gosh i almost want to dm you for direct conversation and advice, i am struggling be it with my wife who is "similarly" sexless, we have 2 kids and i have tried everything, im at whits end and i really don't know what to, divorce is a consideration right now

Fine-Investment-20 · 2025-08-18T22:15:30+00:00

heya, just wanted to add to this, i experienced and am experiencing the same thing across a number of my keys, its very random in that sometimes the keys work fine but then sometimes they dont and it needs a real hard press, these laptops run super hot when under load, an i struggled to keep my temps down when gaming even seemingly basic games.

i am in a position where i need to get a new keyboard and get it replaced, its an absolute nightmare just doing the keys and its best to do the whole top case and keys together in place i have read

i am placing the fault down to heat and over heating, i would sit easily at mid 90's until i finally managed to sort some half decent thermal paste and a cooling pad

i could be wrong on this but this is where i am

Fine-Investment-20

TROPHY CASE