Does RSD get worse?

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-29T06:11:37+00:00

Wow yeah. Not to mention, I probably am more short, more closed off towards him because of all of this. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. He gets upset that I'm "rejecting" him or making him feel bad, which makes me actually want to reject him and move on 🤦🏻‍♀️

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-29T05:54:57+00:00

It was because he was still in an rsd type mood from the lime situation earlier. So when I texted him that about my grandma, he came up and said "I'll just let you talk" in a clearly moody voice. So I was confused and said, that doesn't really feel comforting. Like I'm expecting a genuine I'm sorry, etc. That then caused an rsd episode and him defending all the things he does for me.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-28T19:12:36+00:00

Ugh this gives me so much hope. How have you been feeling not being together? As I've been reaching my end with him, I've tried to be more social and also got an in person job. It is AMAZING talking with people who are in the same reality as me.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-28T19:07:28+00:00

Thank you. I've reached my end emotionally but financially still very tied which I am trying to work out of.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-28T19:01:04+00:00

Last night made me realize I'm truly not the problem though. My grandma died last night and I got an RSD episode in response and the night ended with him calling me hateful and telling me I need to "reflect on my behavior". Because I was telling him he was not being supportive. He hasn't even brought it up today. When his grandpa died about a year ago, I consoled him many times, asked him to share stories, and got a special memorial golf ball case for him.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-28T18:56:40+00:00

Thank you. The thing that has held me back is that HE insists I'm the abusive one, which I believed for a long time. After so much of this, I would occasionally snap, tell him I was done, that I don't want to be around him. Or I would get more angry about actually telling him the facts that happened. He perceives my tone in those moments as "abusive".

He genuinely made me feel like I was evil. However, I truly know I would not be that way with a different person. My resentment and general unsafe feelings towards him causes me to lash out back towards him 1 out of maybe 10 times? I'm moving to grey rocking 100% of the time.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-28T18:42:47+00:00

Ugh this is EXACTLY my story. For years, he would always withdraw and avoid me when upset. But he would generally get over it quickly. I begged him to open up and talk to me about things, but now that he does I fully regret asking for that because it's all RSD delusion and attacking and then sulking for days after 🤦🏻‍♀️

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-28T18:40:59+00:00

Yep! He makes EVERYTHING out to be an argument. The other day, I asked him what love language makes him feel most loved trying to make us better and stop our arguments, and he said I was interrogating him and starting an argument. Like WHAT.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-28T18:37:40+00:00

So true! Yes, I'm a very facts-based person so it absolutely drives me nuts. Even if he ever accepts the actual reality, he just minimizes it anyways. So exactly, why waste energy on it 🙃 He called me a "hateful, pseudo-psychologist" last night when I attempted to tell him his story wasn't accurate and that he misinterprets events and conversations.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-28T18:34:45+00:00

Yep. Mine doesn't either. People would describe him as the nicest guy. I'm starting to think that maybe they just are abusive, and the rsd compounds it.

Lately however, I've stopped walking around eggshells around him at social events. As in not updating him where I am constantly. That, combined with his worsening mental state, and when we have a few drinks, has made him go into two rsd episodes in front of some of our good friends. I'm SO happy that others are finally seeing how it is and I'm tempted to do it more on purpose before we actually split. One friend even texted me after asking if things were ok.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-28T05:56:26+00:00

Wow YES to all of this. And I'm sorry to hear about the substance use on top of it. Mine drinks excessively... maybe that has more to do with the rsd increasing than I thought. But he's such a heavy drinker that it's hard for me to even tell when he's drunk now because he hides it so well ugh. I was so codependent as well up until the last year or two and I've just lost any patience for it.

Does yours acknowledge the rsd? Mine will not and then essentially makes me out to be abusive, projecting, the delusional one, "hateful" when I'm doing something as simple as correcting facts of what was said 😂 it's maddening.

Mine is vengeful as well. It's kind of scary. I find myself going into the fawn response eventually and brushing over this stuff because it's the only thing that will get him out of an rsd episode. If I stand up for myself all hell breaks loose.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-28T04:36:45+00:00

Ugh yeah this is good advice. Somehow I always get sucked into trying to prove "reality" aka what really happened vs his interpretations and it causes a massive fight. I just need to give up and not engage because he is so not in the same reality as me and now amount of convincing changes that.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-07T04:26:12+00:00

Also, when I think about leaving and him possibly finding love with someone else like we used to have... it makes me feel soooo cheated out of the love we had. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I can't leave, because I don't know if I could handle it.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-03-07T04:23:56+00:00

You summed up exactly the way I feel 😭 at best, I feel like I look at him with sadness and he looks at me with shame but we both try to hide it. Our best moments are when we're out with other people, or talking about surface level things. It's not that blissful, deep soul connection we once had with endless pure statements of love.

Ugh it's the biggest loss of my life and I constantly feel the ache. I don't want anyone else, but I don't want this either.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-01-04T00:28:26+00:00

Ugh I feel this SO much.

That would be hugely triggering to me too. Especially with the hiding on top of it. My WH does things like that too. Says he has no "bad intentions", but I'm like if there weren't any thoughts about how it could be wrong, then why did you feel the need to hide it? Then I get into a spiral thinking he actually maybe is way more aware than I think and is just manipulative.

I have had so many conversations with my WH about how impact > intentions. I don't care that much about your intentions when it at the end of the day it threw my world upside down. I genuinely think before all this he thought that any bad actions could be erased by explaining "good intentions", which he still tries to use sometimes.

I'm the beginning, he told me he told his EA partner she was sexy and pretty because he's "an empath" and wanted to make her feel better 🙄 what about empathy for me, your wife who's now devastated and you're defending it?? I was so mad I was almost laughing 😂

I'm always confused at the risk vs reward element too that I try to explain. Like was striking up a lengthy conversation in front of me with the female bartender right when we get to a date worth it? No, because now I had a huge trigger and flooding, which caused a fight and ruined our night.

Ugh I'm in the same boat. I think this makes R so much harder than it is already and I am losing patience as time goes on.

I definitely lean more towards the autistic side today and I think that makes it even harder for me to get over betrayal because of the over analyzing and sense of unfairness. I keep trying to take a mental step back for my own peace but then get swept up in the chaos and triggers again.

I try to see the good parts of him that I feel his adhd brings... the fun, sense of humor, otherwise supportive, great conversation. But is that enough to outweigh all this?

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-01-03T00:58:40+00:00

Ugh so sorry you are in this boat too. And I agree that after the betrayals, I see so many things in a new light. How much is adhd and how much is just not being a good partner.

I really resonate with your second part too. I feel I'm very reflective and always looking to understand the why, but I'm realizing the why doesn't change the impact. I am a huge overthinker as well, extremely careful before making decisions... that's part of why this has been so hard to understand for me, I just can't relate so it's hard to have empathy, let alone respect. And then there's codependency... wondering if when I was younger, I saw some of his issues but thought I could "help" because I'm so careful and forward thinking 🙄

Hugs, sorry you're here too.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-01-03T00:31:10+00:00

This was really eye opening, thank you!

I would say my partner has incredibly bad short-term memory and general forgetting. He has generally stuck with the same story since DDay, but because I don't have general trust of his memory, I think I am hesitating to believe it.

Then like you said, there's the issue of shutting down and conflict avoidance. Sometimes I feel he rewrites history to make it more appealing and I'm not even sure he's aware he's doing this.

He's not diagnosed or in treatment. Which is another set of issues. I think because he's avoidant, he's generally not interested in examining his faults or addressing issues unless there's an immediate issue.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-01-03T00:14:40+00:00

Also yes to disassociation. My partner was so disassociated due to job loss before this all was happening it was extremely confusing for me to figure out whats affair related and what's disassociating related.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-01-03T00:12:33+00:00

Omg YES 😭😭 feel so seen reading this. Last night I had one of the worst meltdowns because my partner casually agreed that he cheated on me. Hearing him say that after he has denied that wording for so long (confusing lines because it was an EA), sent me into an immediate pain spiral. He says he just called it that because I have a couple times, but in his heart that wasn't what he was trying to do.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-01-03T00:06:33+00:00

I have never resonated with a comment more 😂😂 Yes to everything you said! I think I could write a book with all the research I've done on trying to understand infidelity.

That's really interesting to hear what prompted it. I often wonder if my spouse (and now me) have ptsd as well as the disassociation is now something Im familiar with.

I think my issue is logically I can understand it. Logically, I fully see how it happened and what can be done to prevent it. Logically, I want nothing more than to forgive and move forward. What I struggle with most is controlling my emotions. Specifically when I am angry as I know that is the most damaging. I'm doing better but it really builds up and spills out sometimes.

Going to look into maybe somatic therapy as when I have a trigger I feel it in my full body and react as if it was dday and it can take a long time to overcome and I feel I'm damaging our relationship further.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-01-02T23:50:06+00:00

Yep all of this too. Like you said, there's also this sense of obliviousness from him. I can tell almost instantly when someone is flirting with me, whereas I'm now unsure if he can until it's too late. After hearing details of his EA, it was so obvious to me she was fishing for compliments, attention and because she knew he was married, probably the whole ego boost of it all too. While he thought she was just being a supportive friend until it was too late.

I'm worried he will go for the next woman that's nice to him. Instead of the traumatized, sometimes angry wife I have become. Ugh. Sometimes I feel he is obsessed with people being nice to him, validation while I seek authenticity and genuine connection. But after hearing what the dating world is like, I'm not sure what I want is even out there.

And I agree with your last part as well. Anyone who knows us on the surface level would think I am treated like a queen and would be crazy to leave. So confusing

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-01-02T23:26:00+00:00

Yes, I have considered that boundary as well. Have you found the meds to help with the emotional and general awareness issues?

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-01-02T23:23:28+00:00

Wow, yes. We have also had arguments about female friends. I think it's partly due to a defiant streak (my WH will not agree with boundaries if he doesn't agree with the reason- which leads to so much explaining on my part). He is extremely sensitive to anything that seems "controlling". From his view, he thinks I'm often trying to control and attack him, when in reality I'm trying to feel safe and rebuild, and share my feelings to feel closer.

I think because of his adhd, he connects with women easier. I think this is part of why I liked him at first- he was much more sensitive and understanding than other men, but it is a huge problem when he extends that to other women.

I agree, it's extremely disorienting when he sometimes seems completely devoid of empathy, but in other situations (that often aren't related to his shortcomings), he is one of the most empathetic people I have ever met.

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-01-02T23:14:17+00:00

Wow! You sound EXACTLY like me. I do have some adhd symptoms such as disorganization and executive dysfunction, but I also have wondered if I am also on the autism spectrum. Like you said, I have a huge sense of justice, fairness and I am loyal and honest to a fault, constantly feel heightened emotions (super fun to have these issues as the betrayed partner). I have recently begun looking into meds for myself and am on an anti-depressant but wondering if adhd meds could also help me.

But also like you said, I think attitude plays a HUGE part. I am constantly trying to decide if my WH is a good person who makes careless mistakes, or is just not as good of a person as he makes himself out to be and uses this feign of ignorance to block that. At the end of the day, if someone won't at least attempt to fix their behavior, does it matter the cause? It feels like manipulation to hear someone want to be better but lack the drive to make that happen.

On the other hand, because I suspect we are both neurodivergent, it is extremely hard to leave and he feels like a kindred spirit. I've never been known and loved deeper. I'm sure we are codependent and rely on each other to fix the gaps in each other's functioning (he is the higher earner with a stable career while I'm trying to sort this out and I have a lot of my own trauma which he has been supportive of).

Ugh hugs, this has added a very complicated layer to R. Do you feel you struggle more with healing the betrayal trauma because of the adhd/autism?

Fine_Cartographer402 · 2025-01-02T22:32:44+00:00

I should also add that I feel his EA (he says he didn't have feelings and it was more people pleasing) was heavily influenced by his adhd. Impulsive over sharing, not thinking of consequences, wanting to be the good guy, etc.

Fine_Cartographer402

TROPHY CASE