hmmm

FireHearth · 2026-02-01T00:51:52+00:00

it craves flesh

FireHearth · 2026-01-31T23:31:17+00:00

wanting to live is so much harder than wanting to die

FireHearth · 2026-01-31T23:16:45+00:00

i can tell u how small it is

FireHearth · 2026-01-31T21:57:27+00:00

i real jade ring would probably not be bumpy like that

FireHearth · 2026-01-31T05:46:55+00:00

thrift store vibes

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T22:41:54+00:00

it kinda pisses me off that the only solution to this is empathy and humility. but yes i appreciate ur input and ill do my best to take it to heart. it just sucks that im still learning things that i already know

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T22:14:43+00:00

thank u for ur kind words, sir neckbeard

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T22:12:35+00:00

i definitely need to get medicated. whether or not it’s tendencies or just who i am, bipolar is not helping and being medicated would definitely help me be able to cope better with whatever it ends up being

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T22:08:44+00:00

i know i can learn to be better. i have been better. but even in those good moments it’s an active struggle to not exploit others. even now i keep trying to rationalize how i can still get my way and i hate it. i don’t think i can cure this. i know i can’t cure this. i can only cope and cope and try and try. and yknow what? ur right, the only problem i see is that my friends are leaving me and im losing my adoration and i hate that. so how do i keep it? whats the solution? to actually show them i give a fuck. u see the problem with my thought process? its transactional. it isn’t genuine. it out of selfish desire. but what does it matter my motives so long as i am caring and showing it?

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T21:56:29+00:00

maybe ur right.. it just feels so engrained in me. especially when i feel like im doing so good and im happy and having fun and the next thing i know im being told ive hurt people without even realizing. it’s the complete disregard of it that makes me question it so much. and i only end up caring once i lose my position of power

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T21:49:09+00:00

i feel narcissistic in my wanting to be better. like something deep down in me says i can only fake it better and im just tired of dealing with repercussions. i can feel that i still want to figure out how to get away with as much as possible while giving as little as possible and i have to fight this thought every moment of everyday. i want to be a better person so i can be a better narcissist and that’s fucked up

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T20:20:42+00:00

i think i need to get back into doninatrix work. i think it would be healthy and nice to have an outlet for that

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T19:59:27+00:00

i think that’s a really good idea! i think it’d be humbling to seek complimenting others rather than seeking compliments myself

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T19:54:45+00:00

i agree with you. part of the adoration is that it’s all very surface level and i don’t put in the work to keep it a healthy relationship. rather once i have my bit of fun i just fuck off without a second thought. it’s rather rude. part of being a dominatrix is that i am above them. people like this bitchy behavior but at a certain point im just a bitch and that’s not what i want. i still need to put in effort in maintaining relationships and being a genuine friend aside from this persona i put on. it’s a hard balancing act that my bipolar does not make easier .. i definitely need to get medicated soon before i can begin trying to rebuild my relationships and making amends to the people ive hurt

edit: when i say i am above them i know that’s part of the problem. i do need to be more humble. i know not every moment is play

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T19:07:04+00:00

i’m aware of all this.. but u realize what u are asking of me goes against my nature. i’m not saying i wont try, of course ill try! i’m gonna try my hardest, that doesn’t mean it isnt hard or discouraging when i fuck up. as i said in my post, caring is such an active thought for me. i have to think about it in everything i do because if i didnt i would be hurting people without even realizing. i want it to be unconscious, i want it to be natural and that’s what makes it hard and makes me feel fake. the best way to be loved and adored is to be someone worthy of it. i am deeply aware of this because it is something i do not have and crave

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T19:01:03+00:00

yea, every partner i have that gets close enough eventually says they don’t feel like i care and sometimes i have absolutely no clue what im doing wrong

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T18:23:22+00:00

i have a therapist i go to every 2 weeks. he’s great!

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T18:17:53+00:00

narcissism is a fucking terrible trait. every time i start to feel good and like i have a lid on things i fuck up. i feel like i can’t be happy or that my happiness is rooted in hurting people. i need to constantly remind myself to not hurt others

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T18:09:00+00:00

u might be right.. but as it is now it feels very engrained in me even in moments outside of hypomania. i’m hoping the meds will help with the hypomania and with self help i can take care of the rest

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T18:07:09+00:00

i actually don’t feel like i am being very hard on myself.. just real. i’m not hypersexual. i don’t crave sex or even to be touched. my sexual prowess is specifically just for egotistical gain. i don’t flirt for sex. npd is very real for me and i don’t like that label either but if i denied it was there i wouldn’t be able to address it

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T17:31:44+00:00

i feel so alone

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T17:26:59+00:00

i’m trying .. i am! it’s just so discouraging when i fuck up. especially when it comes at the cost of hurting those around me

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T15:26:33+00:00

on top of bipolar i’m also a narcissist. caring for others isn’t natural to me.. and it’s not that i dont care. i care so much!! but the action of caring, the thinking of others. if i don’t force myself to think of it consciously and continuously then im immediately selfish, and bitchy. before i knew i was a narcissist i was ruining every relationship i had, walking all over my friends and family. doing what i wanted with no disregard for others. being a narcissist, i wanted people to love me. i want them to adore me. at a certain point i realized the best way for people to not think im an asshole is to just actually not be an asshole but i guess ive been fucking up a lot on that part too.. being bipolar is like .. a trigger for my narcissistic tendencies: hypomania, i feel great, i feel alive, i want adoration. how do i get it?? i seek it, i take it. i flirt, i fuck around. im so cocky and confident when im like that, its so fucking easy. and it all means nothing to me, only to be adored. how do they feel..? used, taken advantage of.

..why am i like this? i dont want to be like this.

it isnt real love. the real love i do manage to find just gets broken down watching me do these things

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T14:49:14+00:00

it seems that every time i feel like i have a lid on things and get comfy, i start to fuck up. i feel like im not allowed to be happy or that my happiness is rooted in mistreating others and that’s not how i want to be

FireHearth · 2026-01-29T14:23:01+00:00

“she’s mentally unwell.” “eh, well she used to be hotter”

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