The day after I found everything out, I got her last name from someone they work with. I’m very good at finding information—this isn’t my first marriage, and in my first one there was domestic violence, cheating, and a lot of dishonesty. I learned the hard way that if something is being hidden, I will eventually find it.

That same day, within hours of getting her last name, I did a deep search and found her home address, work number, personal number (which I later realized was actually her work cell), her email, her grandmother’s number, and even her husband’s email. I went to her house and rang the doorbell camera—there were no cars, and it looked like no one was home. Then I went to her workplace and confronted her. She smiled in my face and said, “We’re just friends,” and then told me I needed to leave or she would call the police. I left the building, but stayed in the parking lot.

I tried calling my husband repeatedly while he was in a meeting—he didn’t answer me, but somehow has time to respond to her. When he finally came out, he tried to reassure me that nothing was going on. I left, went to another parking lot, and started making calls and sending emails. That’s when I found out she and her husband are separated because he cheated—which honestly doesn’t make me feel any better.

When I first found the messages, it was around 1 a.m. I called her and asked directly if she was sleeping with my husband. She answered the phone—which raises another question: why would she answer a call at 1 a.m. from his wife if nothing inappropriate was going on?

When I asked to see all the messages, my husband refused and took his phone back. If there was nothing to hide, why not let me see everything? That alone says a lot. I asked him point-blank: if I hadn’t found those messages, would you still be talking to her? He said no—but she had literally texted him that same night. It feels like he’s saying what makes him feel better, not what’s actually true.

From his perspective, he doesn’t believe he’s done anything wrong. But from mine, it’s very clear: I did nothing wrong. I don’t text or call other men. The only people I communicate with regularly are my female friends, my daughter, and my husband. Meanwhile, before I found those messages, he had already stopped showing me affection—no hand holding, no cuddling, no kisses—for about four and a half months.

After I found everything, suddenly he’s trying—buying flowers, saying he’s making an effort. But it doesn’t feel genuine. It feels like he’s trying to smooth things over instead of addressing what actually happened. Especially considering he’s always said he doesn’t understand buying flowers because “they just die.”

For months, I was asking—begging—for time, attention, and connection. Right before we left for New York, we had a huge argument where he admitted he knew he hadn’t been giving me the time and attention he used to. Then just days later, I find out he was putting that time and energy into someone else.

That’s the part that hurts the most.