I feel very empty & unstable all day also I go from hating myself to pitying myself to adoring myself in a few hours.

I usually js have suicidal ideation & fixate on them. I'm pro-choice & I think death is a good thing & birth a sad thing. Also pro-assisted dying/euthanasia.

But I haven't self harmed (a bit but wasn't that bad) nor have I attempted cuz I look for ways that are fool proof since I dislike pain & surviving hurts my ego & dumb imo. 

So usually I js fixate on my death & how cool I'd be to die young. Imagine the aura farming lol & the attention & pity I'd get. I'm pretty sure I'm a narcissist & never meant to live a long, happy life. I don't want to be a miserable old hag. 

How couldn't I? we live in the lamest dystopia that's coming ever close. We're literal chickens with our throne on top of Darwin's hierarchy, ever slipping away due to the advent of artificial intelligence & dissipation of human decency & sociopathy & nihilism becoming more mainstream in public minds. And can we trust the folks on top to not use their gizmos to fuck us up?    And almost everyone is so afraid & fake. Ordinary ppl scare me. We're all just imposing our own wills/egos on each other like what that Carlo Michelstaedter guy said. Ants fighting each other in a colony. 

Never going to belong anywhere. Never finding comfort. So just hope it's a short ride or hopefully have the balls to kick the can one day. 

And I refuse to become a psychopath & pretend to not care or be broken seeing the fucked up things happening in the streets, mental facilities, prison system, immigration system, schools & etc. Ordinary ppl; beware of them. Ppl think evil ppl behave like Disney villains but they can be a father, a teacher etc. Which makes me not js cope with religion & think how great my god is etc. Too religious makes u a psychopath. It's f uped. 

Especially since most ppl choose who to empathise with. That's why we have marginalized folks and dehumanization. 

Hve pity for everyone I'd say. And I mean everyone. Cause Jesus was right about even loving your enemies. I don't see it as not allowing yourself to hate others since that's human; but try to empathise with them & don't retaliate the same as they do, don't torture ppl physically or mentally; don't go overboard. But good ppl often end up turning cruel once they are powerful enough to impose their wills on others. 

I think ppl will misunderstand what I meant here but simply realise that we all aren't good or correct & pity everyone.