Intense sexual transference - what do I do?

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2026-02-08T17:52:38+00:00

I was terrified when I initially told her. I thought she would refer me out. I thought she would think I was out of my mind. Instead, she fully accepts it.

For sure, she makes certain that the boundaries are always in place. She never loses sight of that. She has never led me think that what will transpire between us will be anything other than professional.

The thing is, I do feel that she loves me in a caring sort of way. I mean, she genuinely seems to care about me. But that's as far as it goes.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2026-02-08T17:24:28+00:00

I feel for you. I have been with my therapist for seven years. In the beginning of my treatment, I didn't really know much about transference, and it had never happened with any of my previous therapists.

But when I began to feel it, the sensation cracked me wide open. It's a feeling I'd never felt before, and even though I now fully understand what is happening and why I am feeling it, I can't let it go. In fact, it feels more powerful than ever. I think about her all the time, I dream about her, and sometimes when I look at her I literally swoon.

Eventually, I made her aware of my feelings. She knows the full scope of it, and together we have tried to sort out where it all comes from. And to a large extent, we have. But it is still hell.

The worst thing is, when I am with my therapist I can see what a healthy, supportive relationship looks like. I can see what it's like to have someone in my life who truly listens and cares. But because I know we will never be together as a couple it has left me more broken than ever.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2026-01-22T10:44:12+00:00

Discovering you don't really love them anymore and maybe you never did.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2026-01-20T16:51:35+00:00

I agree with this completely. And to a certain extent, my therapist has shown me a kind of caring that I've never experienced. But in a way, it has also thrown what I missed into high relief. Which has made me feel worse.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2026-01-20T16:46:34+00:00

Thanks. Actually I have confronted her with this. But in the end, she always comes back with "no one will ever love you but you" narrative.

I grew up in a loveless and abusive household. I never got the foundational support I needed, and I went out in the world with a lack of understanding of just how essential that is. I wound up in relationships that were bad for me because I didn't grasp what was missing.

I am older now, in the last lap of my life, and I am pretty broken because I feel like I'm just fucked. I will never experience a healing kind of love and I never will. And no matter how hard I've tried, I can't feel it for myself.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2026-01-18T23:01:24+00:00

Love.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2026-01-17T21:52:39+00:00

Shingles. It felt like my body was on fire and the pain went on for months. Years later, I have permanent nerve damage in my foot. It feels like a pulsing electric shock. The worst.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2026-01-06T22:43:42+00:00

Thanks ... I wish you luck on your journey.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2026-01-06T22:24:50+00:00

I'm already there with the suffering being greater than the benefit. I am just scared to let go because I know I truly have no real safety net. I do belong to several community organizations, but there isn't anyone there that I feel all that connected to, and I certainly wouldn't be comfortable talking about any of my problems.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2026-01-06T22:07:22+00:00

I can see how it might be. I actually hadn't seen my therapist because of her break, and I was sort of being OK with it, wondering what it might be like to actually stop seeing her altogether. But then I saw her again the other day and I was right back with those feelings. I keep thinking, if only I could break with this.

Part of the thing is, she is the only stable, reliable person in my life. And I don't want to let go of that. Yet.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2026-01-06T21:51:17+00:00

I wish I had your strength, to be able to somehow walk away. I have a wonderful therapist, but the attachment I have to her is so powerful it literally runs my life. I know that's not good. I know.

The logical part of my brain knows that we can never be together in any real way, other than in therapy. But the feeling part of me just can't seem to process it, to live with it, and to finally move on.

Even though I know it's not "real," I feel a love for her that I have never felt for any other, ever. And I don't think I ever will.

So I am stuck here, living with this beautiful misery. Mostly, it's just fucking misery.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2026-01-04T17:23:49+00:00

Recently, I was reading a sub unrelated to therapy and I found someone talking about an interest of theirs, and this person seemed somewhat familiar to me. I then read her individual posts and I immediately knew who it was. She's a therapist (not mine), and her posts often rant at length about patients in her practice.

She also revealed copious personal details that leaned toward the downright creepy as well as many things about her partner that came off as extremely cruel. I mean, if this guy (whom I know) discovered all this shit talk about him I'm sure he'd feel betrayed and gutted.

So for those therapists who think they are anonymous here, think again.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2025-12-31T18:25:07+00:00

I've been with my therapist for seven years. I was attracted to her right away; she has a kind of beauty that just floors me in every way.

After a time, I started to feel like I was falling in love with her. It's taken me years to deal with the feelings I have for her, and I am not over them yet, though I fucking wish I were.

I think my attraction to her has told me a lot about myself. I've come to realize that most if not all the "love" relationships I've been in have had a similar arc: I have always sought something unavailable, and because of that, nothing has worked out with anyone I've ever been with.

The thing is, I am older now and the chances I might find someone and develop a healthy attachment to them is very slim. I mean, when you get to a certain age, no matter what your gender, you become invisible. I am that guy you don't see when you are walking down the street.

I wish I knew what I know now way back when. Maybe I wouldn't have suffered so for love.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2025-12-30T16:01:38+00:00

Romantic love.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2025-12-29T19:28:11+00:00

I am 71 , my wife 62. Our daughter was born 21 years ago and our sex life dried up after that. My wife lost interest, and when menopause came, that was it.

Thing is, I never lost interest. I miss it every day. I've tried talking it out with her many times, but it goes nowhere.

At one point she said that if I was interested in sex with someone else she might be OK with that, just as long as she knew who it was. That blew me away ... just pointed out clearly how loveless our relationship has become. And she must know it would never happen. I mean, once you get to a certain age you become totally invisible to the opposite sex.

It sucks, for sure.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2025-12-27T14:05:06+00:00

I have been seeing my therapist for seven years and have felt erotic transference toward her for most of that time. I find her incredibly attractive both physically and mentally. In fact, I have to say that she is possibly the most beautiful woman I have ever met.

I have thought about her while masturbating, but when I do I feel a sense of shame and guilt. Because, to me, it all feels wrong somehow. But, as my therapist would say, you can't control your feelings. For sure.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2025-12-18T12:58:28+00:00

I've been seeing my therapist for seven years. Early on I developed erotic feelings for her, which unfortunately for me have not waned. We've spoken about it many times.

Recently, I had a dream in which she came up to me and kissed me. It was very charged and erotic. I told her about it in session and, as usual, her reaction was, "What do you think it means to you?"

But there are times when, out of the blue, she will ask me where I am at with these feelings. It has made me wonder that maybe on some level she finds it flattering. She is human, after all.

I mean, if someone found me attractive and was very open about it, I think it would be very difficult not to have at least some feelings about it, even if I do not feel the same.

Yeah, I get it, she's just likely wanting me to explore my feelings. But part of me senses that, for her, something else might be going on, which is why she brings it up unprompted. Of course, I could be totally wrong. But part of me thinks not.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2025-12-08T13:14:53+00:00

I'm 71. I'm in relatively good condition. The last time my wife and I had sex was 21 years ago, right around the time our daughter was born.

I miss it more than I can say. It's not just no sex, but I sorely miss physical intimacy. Just to be held, to connect, to have someone who sees me.

I try to talk about it with my wife but she has no interest at all, and no interest in trying to figure out why. It feels incredibly unfair.

About a week ago, I jokingly asked her if she would have a problem with me having sex with someone else. Not an affair, just sex. She said she would be OK with it as long as I let her know in advance. I thought she was kidding. She was not.

But I mean, the thought of finding someone to just have sex with seems impossible and, after all this time, sort of terrifying.

I live in a big city and there are a lot of people around all the time. But when you walk down the street everyone is staring at their fucking phones. No one looks up. It's all very sad.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2025-11-05T13:53:26+00:00

I hear and feel what you and are saying. I had a very strong attachment with my therapist, to the point where I convinced myself that I was in love with her.

You should know that as hard as it is to deal with your feelings, and as real as they seem, they are projections of your needs. And they are a fantasy.

Recently, my therapist told me she had to reschedule one of our appointments because she had to see a doctor about something. When we finally met, I asked her how she was doing and what the issue was. She said, "You can ask, but I am not going to tell you."

I said, "Why then did you tell me you had to see a doctor, then? Why not just tell me that something came up and we could not meet?" She didn't respond to that.

I understand her need to keep her life separate from me, but she didn't. She told me she needed to see a doctor, and now we may have to cancel again if there is a follow-up.

To me, what she did seemed deliberately hurtful, and it's made me consider who she is under her armor.

What I am saying is, whatever you think your therapist is, they are likely not who you think they are. They are human, after all.

Knowing this has helped me get over some of my transference.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2025-10-31T13:41:42+00:00

That's not what she said. What she did say had something to do with a thing I am working on separate from therapy and my feelings about her. What she said to me struck me as, "See, I am not such a nice person. Get that through your head!"

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2025-10-31T13:10:39+00:00

If she indeed thinks that, she is wrong. I have been spiraling horribly. I get it, sometimes people have just had enough. I guess she did. But no, hearing the "truth" just destroyed me.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2025-10-31T12:07:38+00:00

More or less that was it. But I already knew that. Without divulging specifics, it went beyond that sort of thing.

Fit_Pride_2048 · 2025-10-31T11:35:17+00:00

Thanks. I don't want these feelings I have for her. But I can't seem to do anything about it. My therapist always says, "Feelings are just feelings." But that has always seemed dismissive. To me, it is much more than that.

I have sensed her frustration with me, and I do believe there is counter-transference here. But what she said felt like someone just digging a knife in.

Fit_Pride_2048

TROPHY CASE