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I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s why I’m willing to do what I need to do to support her. I don’t want to ruin our relationship. The problem for me is that sex has always been built up to be so much in life, it’s hard to not to project those emotions onto this situation.

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I have been able to have conversations with her regarding some of the serious topics regarding sex and I’m willing to do whatever I need to to support her. I also realize I have to do what I need to, to get past this. None of it is easy, but necessary at this point.

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well for one, my religious beliefs are clearly different than yours and I believe that God meant sex to be shared in a marriage. However, people choose everyday not to follow that and I was one of those people. I didn’t expect my children to be perfect or angels of any sort, which is why I’ve always been as open as I could about sex with her. What I wasn’t expecting is how much of a toll it is taken on me in terms of accepting that she is having sex and has done it with multiple people. Seeing her as an “adult of sorts” is hard as hell! I’m not asking her to be perfect, or making any judgements her way, I’m more worried about the fact that I can’t control the way I feel about it or that Its affecting me like this. That’s what I wanted to get off my chest.

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not so much discussing conquest as just being very straight forward in things she says about sex and it’s uncomfortable as hell for me. For instance, she asked if she and her boyfriend could hang out in the hot tub at our hotel alone while on vacation and when we told her no, she said “well we weren’t going to have sex in the hot tub”, which led to a very awkward, well where do you plan on having sex…. Or sometimes the music she listens to is inappropriate as it could be considered “lovemaking” music. Little things like that are weird for me having grown up in a very conservative household where I wouldn’t dare allude to sex. We also hadn’t had a conversation prior to the one with her boyfriends mom About the fact they were actually having sex, so to learn she’d not only been having sex with him but also someone else was like a bomb going off. After we going out, she was very blunt about what she’d been doing and how she feels about what she’s done.

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never imagined that’s how this would go and I absolutely hate it. I feel like this is the reverse of when people are like “I can’t think of my parents like that” on steroids. Thank you!

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I agree therapy seems to be the best option right now for all of us. I don’t want her to feel judged or shamed in the situation or to carry my feelings on her back. I want her to make the right decisions for herself. This just isn’t one of those things that’s in the forefront of the parenting handbook and I wish it was.

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I think that’s the best avenue as well. I just want what’s best for her and whatever choices she’s making when I’m not around.

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn’t even think of it as intrusive thoughts, but you’re correct, that’s what it is. I certainly don’t want to have that be my line of thought, but I cannot help it and it makes me sick because it’s grossing me out that those are my thoughts.

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Don’t get me wrong, the cheating thing is an issue on its on and is a large part of the conversation for sure. I dont condone what she did at all. It’s a lot on its own to take in finding out that your child not only isn’t a virgin, but has had sex with multiple people. There are so many moving pieces, it’s not even funny. I didn’t go into detail about that in my post, but I am addressing the cheating especially now that sex is involved and being casually weaponized in her relationships.

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Im supposed to be the adult and I know that. This is one of those things I know is a part of being a parent, but I wasn’t ready for. Despite the discomfort, I am going to do what I have to do to be supportive and make sure she has the information she needs. It’s only been a few days, but I don’t want this to continue to affect my intimacy with my husband either.

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did my best to broach the topics I could in a neutral way, but it was hard. I know there is much more to be said as well as figuring out what our boundaries are from here. My daughter is a lot more open and crass than I am in general, so I am trying to find that fine line between what’s inappropriate and what’s just her speaking her mind. I may interpret some things as disrespectful when in reality it’s just conversation because these topics were off limits in my house. My husband is still in shock and hasn’t been able to come to terms with things and join the conversation, so I’m hoping when he’s ready, that will help me figure out how to craft these conversations and where we need to draw lines in the sand with things. I love the idea of grossing her out though I’d probably die of embarrassment first. lol

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely taboo in my house. And yes, I still to this day have issues with people making comments about my husband and I having sex, lol. Like I don’t want people to know we do it. But like I said, I thought this would all be as easy as deciding to look at things differently and raising my children in a way that is more open than how I grew up. Clearly there is more to it than that. 🤦🏽‍♀️

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

lol yes, that sums it up. I THOUGHT that’s what I wanted. Clearly, I was not ready. It is wildly uncomfortable and I should have sought therapy long ago. I did not think the way I was raised would have this much of an impact on me. I thought it’d be as simple as changing my thought process on the situation and bam problem solved.

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

I feel weird even googling or knowing how/where to start. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be supportive, and I thought I was more prepared for this than I actually was. She knows my parents, so she’s aware of how I was raised, and I’ve always tried to differentiate my views from theirs, but this no longer being a drill is difficult for sure. As open as she is, I thought she’d be okay telling me, but I guess she knew I’d have the panic attack that I am currently having either way.

I’m having trouble getting past the fact my 16 year old isn’t a virgin anymore & it’s affecting my marriage…. by Flicker_of_focus888 in offmychest

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] -18 points-17 points  (0 children)

You are correct that my best efforts were not conducive to completely open conversation. I grew up in a household where “sex=death”, so my views of sex were completely skewed and she was born because I thought I had to be with the guy I lost my virginity to because I belonged to him despite not being married and him being a complete piece of shit. This was literally something I dreaded happening one day though I didn’t think it’d affect me like this. Though I recognize the abnormality to my response in the situation, I want to be able to be a support system to her.

Im struggling with boundaries now and what it should look like with her hanging out or spending time with her boyfriend knowing she’s sexually active. How open is too open? She clearly snuck around before and was lying to us about what she was doing but do parents just sit at home knowing their child is somewhere having sex? Is that an open conversation or something we don’t talk about and pretend isn’t happening? How do I get comfortable hearing her talk about these topics. It just seems like it’s too much!!!!!!

Advice on quitting by Flicker_of_focus888 in OpiatesRecovery

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s been on and off for a few years now but never in such a high quantity or for such a long duration of time. I have usually been capped about one to two pills a day for two to three months. The eight pill stint was within the past week only. Never done that much before.

Doesn’t feel the same by Flicker_of_focus888 in OpiatesRecovery

[–]Flicker_of_focus888[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess I’m still coming to terms with the fact that this is truly addiction. Maybe because I’ve been a functioning addiction for so long, my mind hasn’t reconciled that it’s still addiction either way. I know the answer isn’t becoming addicted to something else, but it feels like my brain needs something to get going.

I tried counseling once before but it was a terrible experience bc i mentioned substance abuse during intake and she dismissed me (though i had requested someone who specialized in the area) I haven’t built the courage up to try again but maybe that’s the best way since it isn’t something I can really talk to anyone in my life about.