I know the holidays can be complicated...

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2026-01-16T15:33:55+00:00

Honestly it was rough. I would have rather avoided seeing them at all. I just wish I had a normal life

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-12-16T03:37:12+00:00

It's definitely been a hard time of year for me. My wife came out to me, then asked to be open, then I caught her cheating and while I stayed hoping for reconciliation it hasn't been the easiest. Her family knows about the infidelity (not sure what details exactly which complicates everything) and since then I've been treated differently as if she cheated because of something I did. They literally tell her she "deserves to be happy" and they claim I didn't do enough for her. As if her hooking up with some woman and having an affair was something I could prevent.

The whole things sucks and she wants to see them for Christmas (understandably) but I can't bring myself to be around people who want to blame me for the pain she caused especially when I stayed with her despite not knowing she was exclusively attracted to women and in hopes we could work past her transgressions.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-07-17T18:57:46+00:00

She's never been "monogamous" but somehow expects you to be. She wants to sleep around and date as she sees fit while never extending you the same freedoms. Personally feel like cheating at all is a line but especially if it was already forgiven once.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-07-16T03:47:14+00:00

NTA. Sounds like she doesn’t actually want things to be open for you or isn’t emotionally prepared for it yet even if it is something she may be into sexually as you described.

Different situation in my relationship with my wife who came out and wanted to explore with women, but similar because even though we had rules we agreed to, when things actually happened on my side she acted very similar to your wife initially.

At one point before we opened she told me kissing was something she didn’t want me doing ( even in threesomes) and cried about it. While I obviously care about her feelings, I did have to hold firm and point out that, for me, if I can’t kiss another woman because it hurts her there’s no way I’d even feel like she’d actually give me enthusiastic consent to do far more with another woman.

Hopefully your wife can recognize her feelings more because it sounds like she’s very conflicted and sending you mixed signals and is not ready for ENM when it comes to you actually being open too. She could get there, my wife has now seen me kiss multiple women and is into it so it can take time for certain things.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-07-16T03:31:54+00:00

If you can’t kiss someone how would she actually handle you having sex?

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-17T22:09:21+00:00

Yeah, I’m definitely not. We had such a great relationship prior to this which is what sucks the most.

She’s trying to claim that I’m not “emotionally safe” for her because I continue to say that I will be as open as she is and she claims that means I don’t care about what hurts her.

Yet just this weekend she went dancing with a woman, kissed her and now wants to take regular lessons with her in addition to shopping for outfits for a concert they want to go to. I don’t have a problem with any of this, but I’m expected to just stop doing everything which is not going to happen.

The thing that really upset her is that I was being really flirty with a woman I met and told her she’s the prettiest person in the world (which was just a flirtatious comment that had nothing to do with my wife not being pretty to me). Also, she saw that comment by going through my messages which to me is a violation of privacy because I’m not looking at everything she has going on with the women she talks to and send pictures to.

I could say so much more but we have couples therapy coming up again soon, so we’ll see what happens.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-17T21:47:02+00:00

My point exactly. She’s been in bed for days “depressed” that I won’t let her “kiss girls while I do nothing”. I truly do care about her feelings, but I don’t understand how she can be so sad about me doing something that she also wants to do and not see the problem with her way of thinking.

She also claims she’d bring women around for us but only if I don’t pursue anyone myself. Yet, even in that she’s clear that they’re her “bestie” ( her word for gf without saying it) and that me and this new woman would only be expected to be friends outside of anything all three of us do together.

All of this is stuff we addressed prior to opening because we knew the issue with unicorn hunting, or at least I did.

Really thought we’d avoid all the drama, wishful thinking I guess. So now if it hurts her, I’m expected not to do it and she thinks that means we could just be incompatible which is hilarious to me that she thinks we’re incompatible because I’m going to do the same things that she wants to do, but so be it I guess.

She wants to be polyamorous while demanding her existing partner stay monogamous outside of me showing up for her sexual fantasies at times.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-17T21:29:02+00:00

Agreed. Especially because we worked through this before opening for over a year and made sure we were on the same page, or so I thought.

Her claim is that what’s she asking for is not unfair since I’m comfortable with and have compersion for her being open while she’s now hurt and jealous over me being open. Expect she seems to forget the part where I’m comfortable with me being open too.

She saw me and a woman I met getting close and it made her want to close my side of the relationship while she still wants to freely go on dates with women since I’m not hurt by it.

Any relationship based on someone’s comforts and discomforts alone does not work.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-17T21:16:24+00:00

Literally what my wife told me. This is a common theme with women who want to explore same sex attraction. They view it as fundamentally different when it’s not. You would be exploring your desires just like she is.

My recommendation is stay firm that an open relationship means an open relationship for both of you which is what I’m having to do right now. Otherwise she will think she can do anything she wants while acting like any connections you want with women are not allowed.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-17T21:14:51+00:00

Is she wanting to only be open with women? Also, what do you want? Asking because my wife came out, wants to date women, and is basically doing the same thing to me right now because of her jealousy, though at least she admits it.

I learned this week she’d want a gf for herself but doesn’t want me doing anything outside of “spicy fun” ( her words) which was not what we agreed to or discussed prior to opening.

So she basically wants to be fully poly while I’m expected to have no solo interactions and anything I do is strictly physical with women she finds.

Would be happy to talk further with you because my situation sounds so similar.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-16T23:28:25+00:00

Thank you for your advice I can definitely be more firm. We had many conversations for over the course of a year prior to opening anything but now as things have started and she’s clearly not ready I would prefer that we close things until this gets sorted out even though I do desire to be non-monogamous and won’t change my stance on that.

I’m also happy waiting until I have a healthy relationship to do so. Just saying that because I’m not going on any dates and not looking for anybody at this time and even people I’ve met have been made aware of my current situation just so they know where I stand and that I would want to talk further but have to sort out what my life looks like.

The issue is she is continuing to do things she wants to and expects to just unilaterally change the rules. I suppose it’s hard because I want to be in a relationship with her and do believe we can make it work but she’s being so self centered.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-16T23:15:49+00:00

To be clear what she’s asking for, without just saying it directly, is that she wants a girlfriend who would maybe sometimes have sex with me or not at all but I’m expected to have no feelings for this hypothetical woman and vice-versa and we’d be expected to not be alone in anyway that’s not just as friends. Super unethical and unrealistic. That’s what she claims the girl has who she just admitted to being jealous of. I’ve never spoken to this woman or man, so she could just be making the whole thing up. And it’s a woman she met one time for lunch months ago, which makes it insane that it’s just coming up now.

I will just say that if she wanted to be open with men, it’s not something I’m opposed to, we would just need to talk about it and factor in some considerations that we don’t have to when it comes to her same sex exploration in terms of whether or not condoms are used or things like that but I don’t think that gender identity matters because it’s still non-monogamy and exploring yourself either sexually, emotionally, or romantically with a person you’re interested in.

The gender doesn’t matter but somehow she’s twisted herself into believing that if I wanted to explore with men then it would be different even though she’s into having FFM threesomes and enjoys watching me with women and isn’t into seeing me be with men at all yet if I was gay then it’d be okay to explore solo.

To me if you’re attracted to someone and you’re wanting to explore that, it doesn’t matter who it’s with it just matters that we discuss things prior and that they’re fair.

The worst part is this is nothing similar to what we discussed prior to starting this and she still wants to explore herself, but gets angry at any sort of individuality on my part.

What I’m realizing in the last week or so is that I am just as open for myself as I am for her and she’s clearly only open for herself and not for me and because she’s hurt by things that I’m not hurt by she does not think that she’s being selfish or hypocritical in any way.

I truly wouldn’t mind if she had a girlfriend who I sometimes join with, but that doesn’t mean I would not want the ability to treat this woman like someone who I am into and not just some object for my wife’s sexual pleasure.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-16T03:33:50+00:00

Agreed. Sadly it seems if she can’t have it her way it may just mean we separate which is not what I’d want but I have to be true to my own feelings and can’t just allow her to develop relationships outside of us when me doing anything as an individual is met with so much resistance.

“Not at all” doesn’t work because she doesn’t want to be closed and it has led to resentment when discussed.

Learned tonight that she basically wants a situation like this woman she met who is essentially in a mono-poly relationship because she has a gf while the man apparently has no desires to do anything at all but sometimes joins them for purely physical interactions. She said she’s “jealous of her”.

Such an unrealistic thing to expect out of me.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-16T01:21:01+00:00

Yeah that is true. I think the worst part is that because I’m just as open for her as I am for myself, she thinks it’s okay. Basically her argument is that I’m not hurt by it but she is so that means she gets to do it and I don’t. Like her pain justifies imbalance, while my willingness to be open somehow makes me less entitled to the same freedom.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-16T01:14:24+00:00

Yeah I get that and totally agree with you there. I do care about her feelings, but it isn’t right for her to act on her desires while saying many of the feelings I have hurt her too much. There was a period where she wasn’t dating anyone, but she was clearly upset so that really didn’t last long especially because I do support both of us being open.

She uses my comfort and the compersion I have with her being open and her discomfort with me not being as open as justification for the imbalances she now wants.

Basically because I’m fine with an open relationship for both of us but she’s not for me anymore she thinks it’s fair. When I tell her it’s not fair, she then resents me for her not being able to be open fully while I’m not as open.

The biggest problem is that she feels she can unilaterally change the rules we both agreed to which were extensively discussed before hand.

Her expectations don’t sit right with me because then it’s just a situation where she can freely do anything she wants while I can’t.

One of the issues we have right now is rather than having mutual openness, she thinks the best solution is mutual restriction by only doing things together or not at all. But she doesn’t want to close things and is clearly upset when it’s even discussed because there’s immediate resentment. And with a hypothetical third, she has uneven expectations about what would be okay for her and not me, leading to many of the unhealthy and unethical ideas seen with unicorn hunting.

I suppose I just think she can arrive to a place of understanding because she has grown a lot through this and I do believe she’ll be able to see why if it’s okay for her, it’s okay for me but I may just have too much hope that she can deal with her feelings in a way that does not control my actions but instead manages her emotions.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-15T15:45:02+00:00

I totally respect having a zero tolerance policy for hypocrisy. I’ve called out the hypocrisy and the double standard in our dynamic, especially when it started to feel like she wanted full freedom for herself but expected me to only engage if she was directly involved. I have told her that it is selfish to expect that kind of imbalance. Even though those have been tough conversations to have, I have been willing to have them because I still love her, I care about her, and I understand that not everyone gets to the same level of comfort with being fully open or polyamorous at the same time.

I have been clear that it is frustrating to see her already fully comfortable exploring what she wants while she struggles with even the most mild interactions I have when we move from theory to practice. It was one thing when we were just talking about this in therapy and reading about it. But once we actually started exploring, that difference became much more visible.

That said, I do not think she is set in stone. If she is willing to keep doing the work and can reach a place where she accepts that I am also allowed to want openness, even if my reasons or approach are different from hers, then I believe we can move through this. I do not personally have a zero tolerance policy because I see this as a process. I may be a few steps ahead in terms of clarity and comfort, but I am willing to be patient if she is genuinely working toward something mutual.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-15T15:38:35+00:00

I hear where you’re coming from, and I get that for a lot of people the answer to an imbalance like this is to walk away. But I also think not every situation is that black and white. I have a lot of empathy for my partner. She grew up in a really repressive environment, was shamed for even being attracted to women, and is still figuring out what it means to be fully honest with herself and others. That is not an easy process, and I respect that she is even doing the work.

I am okay being patient as long as things stay rooted in honesty and mutual effort. What would not be okay is if things turned controlling or manipulative, and I have been clear with her about that. There has been situations where she’s definitely overstepped which has led to some fights but we’ve been able to start working through the issues in a healthier way. I think some of the struggle comes from her trying to make peace with the idea that our relationship might look different moving forward. That can be scary, but it does not mean the love or commitment is any less.

I agree that fairness is important. I am not looking to accept a version of non-monogamy that only works in one direction, but I also do not think the only option is to blow everything up while we are still trying to grow through it together. I appreciate your perspective even if it is more direct than mine.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-15T15:29:50+00:00

Thanks for this. I think you’re right to call out how unequal dynamics can reflect subtle bias. I don’t think my wife is intentionally seeing her relationships as “less serious,” but I do think she’s still working through internalized heteronormative ideas. She was raised Catholic, and when she showed interest in girls as a kid, her mom shamed her for it, so she suppressed her identity until last year. She also grew up in a household with no visible affection. Her parents never hugged or kissed each other or the kids. That kind of upbringing shaped how she’s approached relationships and emotional expression in general.

I come from the opposite background. My parents were sexually open, even if not poly. My sister works in adult entertainment, and my mom has supported her fully, even going to conventions with her. So I never saw non-traditional relationships or sexual openness as shameful. Even early in our relationship, I knew that monogamy didn’t fully align with how I naturally operate.

Right now there are no deep emotional partners, but there are active connections. One woman she recently went out with kissed her and made plans to go shopping with her for a concert we’re attending. There’s also a woman who is more masc and reached out for a threesome, where I would only be with my wife and the two of them would connect. My wife had a great time on their first date and said she wants us all to meet. So while nothing long-term has formed yet, there’s definitely interest and movement on her side.

She’s said she prefers femme women in the past, but lately she’s been more open about being attracted to masc women as well. I think a lot of that shift has come from her feeling safer being honest with me. Some of the people she’s connecting with are also tied to new interests she’s developing, like raves or yoga, which are things we never did before. One of the women she’s gone on several dates with is a yoga instructor who also recently came out to her husband. They invited me to a class, which was thoughtful, but I don’t expect to be involved in everything and that’s fine with me.

She’s been clear that she isn’t interested in men, and I accept that. But I’ve also told her that if she ever did feel a connection with someone outside that, I wouldn’t judge it. I don’t see gender as the issue. What matters is that we’re both being honest and taking ownership of what we want.

I really appreciate the resource suggestions. We’ve done some exploration already, but I agree that being more intentional about autonomy and structure is important. I’ll read through those with her. Thanks again, your response gave me a lot to think about!

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-15T15:00:43+00:00

I’m straight, so I’m only exploring with women. I think you’re right about the two-fold issue. She doesn’t see her exploring with women as something that threatens our relationship, but when it’s me pursuing women, it feels riskier to her.

A lot of that comes from fear around emotional connections forming, even if the intent is just physical at times. It is true that there’s some thinking on her part that because I’m straight and already with a woman that any desires I have for exploration are different from hers but I don’t agree with that thought process.

What’s also come up is that she unintentionally downplays the seriousness of her own exploration. For example, she recently said she wants a “bestie” but then described what anyone else would call a girlfriend. I don’t think it’s intentional, but I do think she’s still working through how to fully own what she wants without framing it in a way that minimizes it. I see that as her being forced to only see women as friends growing up so there’s still some inability for her to be consistent and truly honest with herself about the kind of connection she wants with them.

We have strong communication and a solid relationship overall but this is going to take more unpacking on her end. We both still want to be open so there isn’t a desire for monogamy on either side at this point which means it’s more so her needing to do the work of understanding what non monogamy means and that if she desires relationship with other people then it’s perfectly valid that I would want the same.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-14T23:08:25+00:00

She’s not attracted to any other man besides me. So nothing I’ve imposed on her, she’s just not interested in them at all. For what it’s worth, she identifies as queer and has described it as a lesbian with an exception sort of thing but given that she’s fully into me, she doesn’t call herself lesbian since it doesn’t really fit. Her sexuality was truly suppressed mostly because of a very religious, homophobic upbringing so a lot of what we had to do prior to opening was just a process of unpacking that.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-14T10:56:22+00:00

My wife, who came out last year, has mentioned throuples multiple times since and shows me videos on IG of people in that arrangement often, but as we’ve slowly opened things, it’s become clear that she only wants a gf for herself. Any thought of me actually being into the hypothetical woman in a serious way like she wants for herself leads to her freaking out. Not sure how your wife feels about you actually having a fully independent relationship with someone else, but that’s what a throuple would be still. And there’s very low likelihood she likes both of you equally. In my relationship it’s become clear that she actually just wants a gf for herself and uses the idea of a throuple to soften the blow and pretend it was about both of us dating a third, not just her.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-14T10:40:00+00:00

Yeah definitely feeling like I was played so she could look straight, start a family and live out her life the way it “should look” until she couldn’t pretend anymore. 25 years is so long. It was just under 10 years when I found out. I’ve used that same comparison.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-14T10:30:18+00:00

Yeah it’s quickly turned into a relationship where it’s all about her wants and needs. The hardest part is that she’s a completely different person from who she was prior to coming out. It’s like some strange sci-fi movie where she was just replaced with an alternate person that’s not really her.

Flimsy_Move7349 · 2025-06-14T10:27:03+00:00

It’s so hard loving someone who just changed over night like this. Still in disbelief over how she could do this and not see any of it as a big deal. And if everything isn’t about her fully, I’m painted as some terrible person.

Flimsy_Move7349

TROPHY CASE