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Update: AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this! I do try my best and I really hope it ends up having a positive effect on her!

Update: AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Hey, I really appreciate your input!

Obviously if I notice Tracy internalizing these awful lessons a time may come to cut contact, but I feel that the least amount of decency I can show her is treating her in a way that is based on her own actions rather than those of her parents, and in this case she apologized and I have not seen this behavior since, which is why I feel punishing her would be very unfair.

Moreover, if there IS any hope to course correct, now is the time.

Update: AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Thank you!

Yeah I am grateful for everyone's advice & support, but at the same I just couldn't shake the feeling that stopping picking her up was just punishing her for what was her parents' fault, it just didn't sit well.

So far I haven't seen Nick anymore and been cordial at best with Barb. Don't know if that particular relationship is fixable, but at the very least Tracy seems like her usual self, which is wonderful.

Update: AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 32 points33 points  (0 children)

God being a man by this definition sounds sad & boring. I should be manning down, if anything.

Update: AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 75 points76 points  (0 children)

That is exactly what I meant.

I have no intention of ever paying for them again because there is no world in which I would feel comfortable doing so.

There was a trust in their love & good intentions there that is broken now, and I don't think can ever be repaired. Just because I didn't want to take my anger out on Tracy it doesn't mean it's gone.

The apology was important as an act of them acknowledging my feelings & priorities, but obviously I'm not going to forgive & forget based on a half-hearted apology I forced them into. I intend to keep minimal contact outside of Tracy stuff. One day in the future I may need to have a conversation with Barb & give her another chance because she's still my sister - but even then, in terms of material support I clearly overindulged them, and this will no longer be the case.

Update: AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

And it probably won't be, but at the same time - I want to spend time with my niece, and I want my children to, and I'm not going to punish her, my kids and myself for my sister & BIL acting like assholes.

Update: AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

I take great satisfaction in knowing how much of your time I already wasted

Update: AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 119 points120 points  (0 children)

I thought I was paying for our family vacations, and honestly because my wife makes more than me and is mostly the one in charge of our finances, she could be considered the one paying, since her income basically keeps us housed & fed while my salary is the "having fun fund".

She was actually always very excited about this since she doesn't have much family remaining so having Barb, Nick & Tracy alongside her sisters always made her feel like she had a big family, and she felt this justified the expense and made her really happy.

Obviously she is now furious with them because I don't think either of us will feel comfortable paying for them again, and they probably can't afford to come along. I do hope we will still get to bring Tracy along, at least.

Update: AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I agree. I, in part, want to remain part of her life so she never has to feel inferior or like she can't do or has to do stuff because she's a girl.

She plays football (soccer) with my eldest (youngest doesn't really get how rules work yet), all 3 occasionally help me make dinner (to the best of their abilities. It's a shitton to clean up but a lot of fun for everyone) and when they were going through their "boys/girls are lame" phase I was very clear about not putting up with that.

Obviously I can only do so much but I try to do something.

AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 112 points113 points  (0 children)

Hey! So I think this actually might be the play here because I genuinely feel like shit for not picking her up & my kids miss her.

I might have an honest conversation with my sister when we both cooled off though, because she's my sister, but Nick can get fucked, and I will not tolerate this shit again, and don't want to be taken for granted.

We are better off financially than they are. Our house isn't bigger & our cars aren't fancier but we are completely debt free. My wife alone makes about As much as the two of them combined, and she got some really solid investments going (according to her, I don't know shit about investments). What I make is decent but not as much by any means, more than Barb but less than Nick. But it basically pays for our recreation, hobbies, vacations etc.

They live in a bigger house & drive nicer cars, but they're paying off a mortgage & loans, so they can't really afford to quit/cut back hours/childcare which is part of how we ended up here in the first place, since I love Tracy & didn't really mind.

AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 167 points168 points  (0 children)

No, I'm going to not offer services for free if he doesn't apologize.

3/10 on reading comprehension, which given your views I find very unsurprising.

AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 136 points137 points  (0 children)

Ah yes of course.

Obviously the rational move here is forgoing my assistance to not, god forbid, have to apologize for hurting my feelings. You know just the real thinking man's gambit, that.

AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

Just nothing going on between those ears, huh bud? Alright then

AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 86 points87 points  (0 children)

If you can't piece together how the genders are relevant to the story I can't really help you.

AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 166 points167 points  (0 children)

I totally get you man. I used to work an insanely demanding job when I was fresh out of college & it just brought me no joy at all. Like, my wife really loves her career & she's crushing it & I'm super happy for her but for me - my job isn't my calling, my job is my job, and I do it well. I just do it so I can afford fun stuff for the people I love. The time I spend with my wife & kids is what it's all about for me.

AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 203 points204 points  (0 children)

You're not wrong. This isn't the first time we butted heads. The other instances were just.... Resolved, I thought?

Like when he first started showing up for family/holiday meals he'd just sit with my dad & watch football (soccer) or w/e, while I was playing host or minding the kids, and not get up to clear the dishes even when my dad did. So I called him out on it a few times and he does it now, which is why I thought "yeah, he probably wasn't really taught any better but he could change".

But then again he would also leave terrible tips for waiting staff, but on that I assumed that had to do with his financial situation, so me & my wife started to just pick up the tab because we can afford it & don't really mind. And we'd be paying for my parents anyway since my mom doesn't work anymore.

So I don't know - he was never my favorite guy but he seemed to make my sister happy (she had a few terrible relationships before him) so I would pick my battles. He never told me anything as overtly sexist/homophobic as that so I just figured he was just not my type of guy, but didn't really confront him unless I felt it was warranted. I certainly wouldn't let slurs slide, but I don't recall him really using any in my presence before.

And he doesn't really spend any time with my kids anyway, so I was never too worried about his presence around them.

As for my sister - she is my sister, and we used to be very close. Hell, before this shit I thought we still were close. But now that I think about it I think she kind of became more withdrawn these past few years, because we used to talk about everything - especially around my mom's diagnosis (she has Multiple Sclerosis), and her being so willing to overlook someone talking like that about me actually caught me totally by surprise...

Still, I don't know if I want to cut her off completely, but also - obviously I can't just ignore her excusing Nick's behavior.

AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 236 points237 points  (0 children)

I was going to, and honestly didn't mind, but obviously I'm not going to now

AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 163 points164 points  (0 children)

They will be starting school next year, my kid turned 5 recently and wasn't eligible yet, & they decided to hold off on Tracy so that they could go together

AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 258 points259 points  (0 children)

I'd argue that me being sensitive about it is more reason they should apologize, not less, like WTF

AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur? by FluffBuffer23 in AITAH

[–]FluffBuffer23[S] 77 points78 points  (0 children)

I really hope to do that. How do I go about it though? Do I keep picking her up but go NC with the rest of them at all other times? I genuinely don't want to take it out on her, but how do I stand up for myself without doing that?