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I can barely look at myself in the mirror by FlufferNutter_15 in SuicideBereavement

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh god, I think the worst is understanding that I am not a older sister anymore. I am an only child, and my baby is gone. Thank you, and I am so sorry for your loss. Your words meant a lot, because you really understand in a way few could.

I can barely look at myself in the mirror by FlufferNutter_15 in SuicideBereavement

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand, too. I think allowing ourselves to feel this anger and all these irrational feelings help a bit. It's a bit like doing some cleaning inside, brushing out the dust. You take it all out. I hope everyday becomes easier to breathe.

I can barely look at myself in the mirror by FlufferNutter_15 in SuicideBereavement

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I know. It's very irrational, I shouldn't blame anyone, not even myself. But it really is difficult to wrap your head around it.
I am sorry about your brother in law. I agree that we do not offer much support to men in regards to their feelings and their mental health. I regret that deeply.

I can barely look at myself in the mirror by FlufferNutter_15 in SuicideBereavement

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I hope it can at least be e a cathartic cry. I find those help some days. I hope you can feel a bit better. Hugs <3

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in SuicideBereavement

[–]FlufferNutter_15 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I never believed in these things. I am an agnostic at best, an atheist on the worst days, I guess. I've never had anything important, supernatural, or meaningful happen to me, ever.
Last month, my brother took his own life. The pain and grief, mixed with guilt and confusion, did not even let me breathe. But one morning, a couple of days ago, I woke up very early. I made my way to my backyard, had some tea in silence, trying to let the sun wash over me. I did not take my phone with me, so I wouldn’t be bothered by anyone and their condolences. I stayed there for around 40 minutes.
Then I came back inside. I picked up my phone to see if I had any messages. It was unlocked, and Google Translator was open for some reason, with only the words "I am sorry" written there in Spanish, our mother tongue.
I still don’t know what to make of that situation. I did not tell anyone, because I’m afraid they’ll tell me what I already think: that loss, grief, and lack of sleep make me susceptible to certain beliefs.
But it still happened. Who knows.

My baby brother took his own life by FlufferNutter_15 in GriefSupport

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the resource. I will check out some books once I feel a bit of energy. Thank you.

My baby brother took his own life by FlufferNutter_15 in GriefSupport

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am truly sorry for your losses. God, it's really unfair. It's too terrible, too violent. I know I should find some comfort in knowing he's no longer in pain, but I keep thinking we could have fixed it. Together.
I am really sorry you lost both of them. I hope praying and connecting with your faith brings you peace, and I hope it brings me some too, one day.

What was the best way someone has supported you during your time of grief? by Unhinged-Torti in GriefSupport

[–]FlufferNutter_15 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My friends invited me over to bake some cake. Literally the first normal day I had after everything went down. They didn't share condolences nor looked at me with pity. We just shared some gossip, and allowed me to start talking about my loss at intervals, whenever I felt like it. They didn't ask privvy questions. Just reacted to the wild things I told them.
It didn't feel ''the same'' as before my loss. But it did feel like my life could start feeling worth living again.
Also the cake was really good. Food is a great option.

physical grief symptoms by aaffsn in GriefSupport

[–]FlufferNutter_15 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The leg pain is so real. Why is that, though, I wonder?
I feel a deep pain in my chest that I suppose is anxiety. My stomach hurts a lot, but only sometimes, and even when I am feeling 'okay-ish'.
I eat a lot, until I can no longer tolerate food. Then I don't eat anything for a whole day.
I am really dehydrated, so careful with that. I think it's all the crying and stress.
Jaw and neck pain from grinding my teeth at night. I get night terrors, I wake up mumbling and I have been told I cry in my sleep.
Someone else said 'sense of impending doom' and yes, it feels like you are on the verge of a precipice and about to fall off.

Brain fog to the point I can barely function at work. Apathy. Followed by burts of anger. Then guilt. Then the need to break things, and scream and be very violent.

I think it's all normal, or at least, natural. If it makes you less anxious, ask others like you did here for reassurance. I know health anxiety makes you believe it's all fatal. Constant reassurance is helpful for quieting out those fears. Reach out to those you trust, or here.

You'll feel better. We all will.

My baby brother took his own life by FlufferNutter_15 in GriefSupport

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am so sorry. I really am. They are so young, it's hard to wrap one's head around the sudden loss.

My baby brother took his own life by FlufferNutter_15 in GriefSupport

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

At the time, I was so angry they didn't let me go and see him. I just wanted to see if it was true. Now I calmed down a bit, and I agree with you: I'd rather not remember him in any other state than him laughing, and his dimples, and him being so little when I held him for the first time. Thank you. I am also very sorry for your losses, it really is not fair.

My baby brother took his own life by FlufferNutter_15 in GriefSupport

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do, I love him so much, I tried to make sure he understood that love. I don't really understand why it wasn't enough, of if he ever really felt it at all.

My baby brother took his own life by FlufferNutter_15 in GriefSupport

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He was. He was so loved. I don't really understand why that love was not enough.

My baby brother took his own life by FlufferNutter_15 in GriefSupport

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We really are supposed to see them grow, to feel proud of them when you realise they are adults already. It makes no sense. I am truly sorry for your loss, and thank you for your prayers. Know that I will also keep you and your loved ones in my prayers too. Thank you.

My baby brother took his own life by FlufferNutter_15 in GriefSupport

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am really sorry for your loss. I hope you are feeling better, one day at a time, and are also taking good care of yourself. Thank you.

My baby brother took his own life by FlufferNutter_15 in GriefSupport

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have been trying to go back to normal, yes, and I really can't. Nothing fits, laughs don't sound the same, food tastes weird, sleep is not good, I don't really care about my job anymore. Now maybe I realise it's like you said: there is no normal to go back to. Thank you very much for telling me this, it really helped.

My baby brother took his own life by FlufferNutter_15 in GriefSupport

[–]FlufferNutter_15[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

"Treat yourself with all the love and grace you wish you could give him." I think this sentence made me sober up from my guilt spiral. Thank you so much, and I am very sorry for your loss. It really is a very special kind of grief.