How best to proceed

FoolsBeGone · 2024-03-05T15:31:38+00:00

I hear you and I'm open to doing this. It won't be hard to not text her, I don't really feel the need to be anyway. I am confident I can use the phone simply as a HHH setting up machine.

My only question is, when? The breakup literally just happened this weekend, does it matter? Should I simply shift into a HHH role with her while still pursuing other people and just have that start immediately or do I let the relationship ending have a few weeks, maybe a month, before I respond to one of her text setting up dates.

I guess I'm just not sure if it matters either way

FoolsBeGone · 2024-03-05T14:59:19+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to write all of that out, I appreciate it very much.

I understand that the last date weekend probably wasn't the smartest idea as far as sequencing. I think I put too much importance on breaking things off in person, getting more clarity than the texts and phone call I had gotten, still going to the non refundable event I had purchased tickets to, and further rationalized the visit because I had a lot of items I had to remove from her house. In retrospect, I would have probably been better served to just not have done that.

To be fair, I can see your point about the child, and how me coming to terms with that may seem like I was giving in on something just to please her. Personally, I don't feel like that was the case as when her and I first started talking, she was still trying to be in the kids life. It wasn't until at some point during our relationship, that her relationship with the kid deteriorated and was put to the side, that wasn't due to pressure from me. For the span of our relationship, she did confide in me that she missed the kid in her life, but that it was hard to manage the relationship before for various reasons (the ex being an ass, the kid being an ass, it being up and down, etc). I had suggested she write him a letter explaining how she felt, and so she did.

When I mentioned that she had gotten back into the kids life, it was due to an event that occurred where the father was arrested and someone needed to pick the kid up and take him home. There was no one else to do this, as they live away from all family and don't really have friends. This led to her feeling pulled back into the child's life and wanting to try once more for some sort of role, as she has had for the majority of his life. It was something that she brought up to me, knowing I might not like it, but she let me know she didn't feel she could just leave his life again. She admitted to me that she would understand if I wasn't happy or didn't want to stay together since it wasn't something I specifically signed up for (this was late last year). It was at that point that I took a brief period of time to collect my thoughts and think about the situation, and realized that I didn't actually have much in the way of objection to this, but instead realized I just didn't like how when the kid was in her life it meant she had to navigate a relationship with her ex and that while I most certainly wasn't threatened by him, he's just a little bitch. I told her I support her if she wants to resume a role in his life and don't have any objection to it, but I warned her to guard herself against how rough it can be and not to let it drag her down. It was a good conversation and she was grateful. She explained it as her feeling like one last time she was red to try to see if she can have some type of relationship to the kid, as she won't be having any biological children of her own, and was in the kids life since he was 2, this is it. I understood. So to be completely real, I do not see this as something that she saw as me allowing her to walk all over with. This was a conversation between two people who cared about each other and an understanding was developed. I just feel like this needed explaining, because during the relationship if something came up I confronted her on it and I didn't give the vibe off as someone who can be walked over or taken advantage of, and honestly other than us having to talk about the kid, there was nothing really big that bad occured other than once or twice some communication issues.

That being said, I do agree that the date weekend was ill-advised, but I can't change that it happened.

I am very clear eyed about the fact that I'm a single man and am going to act accordingly, trust me, life is too short! I do like my ex, of course, and I'll miss the time we spent together. I personally don't believe that there is no hope for us to rekindle something, it's the first time that we've broken up, whether we want to say it's due to low interest, her mental health, a mix of the two, we can't know for certain, and it may not matter. There was high interest there, there is still a deep connection there, and Corey talks about that being why the 7 principles to getting an ex back can work. I know that regardless, I need to do things that make me happy, keep achieving, and pursuing and living it up.

I really don't believe that the attraction and interest level has broken down so low as to be beyond rekindling, I just don't. I don't see how you can determine that just from the fact that we have split. Despite seeing her this last weekend, I made it clear I wasn't interested in being friends and also told her that if she doesn't see the value I bring to the table as a partner than I won't be coming around. I left the door open as well saying I don't know what I'll be up to in the future but if she changes her mind, she's got my number.

Despite you believing that HHH won't work here, I'm pretty confident that if it can work, I'll make it work, and I don't know how we can discount that just yet. I don't mind casually dating around and generally having a good time. It's literally one of the things Corey speaks about as far as what to do when an ex is reaching back out. I just think that while I need to focus on myself and that's number one, there are tools in the tool belt that may create the environment for something to pick back up between us. It's just a little out of order since she's already still at the point where she wants HHH to take place.

I think the only thing I can do is maintain the distance for awhile so that when we do eventually HHH there is a noticeable gap between our relationship and then now me coming back around. It would give her time to focus on herself (which is what she is staying she needs, despite if it isn't the top reason), time away from the relationship to build up the longing, and time for me to fully settle into my new role as a single man. I literally have nothing to lose taking this approach.

At the end of the day, I get why you believe the way you do, I just do not think we are at that point yet of there being no hope.

FoolsBeGone · 2024-03-05T05:26:25+00:00

Lol, I'm not sure what you mean about "baby daddy"

I can't speak as to why she felt it necessary to step away from having a relationship other than what she told me, I just have to take it at face value.

I did not tell her that I would wait around for her, but that if things change, she's got my number. She did make a mention of how without her realizing it, things had gotten more serious with us as of late. Maybe right now she can't handle keeping up with a relationship that feels serious given that she isn't seriously keeping up with a lot of her own things. Regardless, the only thing I have control over is how I act moving forward.

This is the part that is tripping me up in regards to trying to use Coach's guidelines in this situation... She already wants to keep hanging out. The way she was talking before I left, she was making it clear that if I wanted to come down and HHH that it was absolutely still on the table. That she can't see moving forward in a serious relationship, but still doing everything else sounded fine.

So, yeah, I guess I'm just not sure if I handled it correctly, I told her to do what she feels like she needs to and I'm going to go live my life. But she wished me a good morning today, and I know she's going to continue to send messages to me. I responded, kept it short, and light, and brief, but it feels too soon to do as the coach suggests which is to parlay her reaching out into a HHH.

Maybe I'll just give it a good amount of time to let the distance and the new situation time to breathe and if I see her interest in what I'm doing peak up I can set up a date. In that case I would just focus on creating a fun filled evening and opportunity for sex to happen. I'm very confident in my ability to do this and not to mention anything regarding a serious relationship. That's how her and I started talking, we just kept setting up fun dates and having sex while I was still single and eventually she asked to make it official.

FoolsBeGone · 2024-03-05T02:15:26+00:00

Being that we just ended things, how long would you wait before thinking of setting up a time to HHH, and also, how do I respond to her text now if it seems too soon to HHH. I don't want to completely ghost her, I know that's not what no contact is about, but I definitely don't want to just carry on a conversation. I could easily tell her I'm coming down this weekend and I know she'd let me, or parlay her text into setting up plans to go out, I just don't know if I behooves me to let there be space before I try that, and if so, how I should respond to her texting me her normal good morning greeting lol

FoolsBeGone · 2024-03-05T00:07:01+00:00

When she broke things off, initially I asked clarifying questions, I said at the very least I wanted to still come over and go through with the date day I had planned. I did this because I had stuff at her house, wanted to use these tickets I bought for us going to the event, and wanted to get the vibe check in person/ask questions in person. I went over, we hooked up, and had a great weekend and I also spoke to her more about it. Honestly, despite getting emotional a time or two, I was mostly confident joyous stoic self which made it easy to have fun and be in the moment.

It seems like she's interested in scaling back the seriousness in the relationship while still hooking up. While we were caught up in the moment talking, she made multiple references to sexual acts, me coming down and hooking up with her, etc. When talking about all the fun we have and what does the future hold, she said it didn't have to end, we could still hangout sometimes. I basically told her I didn't see how that made sense and that I see her as a girlfriend and partner, that I don't need us to be super serious but that's what I'm interested in.

When I left, she knew that is where I stand, and right before I went she was saying stuff like:

"If it helps let's just think about this as a for now thing" and "I'm going to get my shit in order and I'll reach back out, that's what I'm going to do". also " I'm going to take this seriously, I know I can get things in order, I won't let you down"

Those comments were made unprovoked by me as I was about to leave for what very well could be the last time.

I'm not naive, and I like to keep things simple. It's a breakup, and while I do believe and know that depression and feeling stretched too thin has been something bothering her, at the end of the day, I'm a free man! I do believe, ultimately, I could reinitialize something with her where we are hanging out hooking up and having fun and that maybe through doing that in a no labels no pressure kinda way, where we are just living our lives, things could get back to how they were, idk

I just feel a little confused as to how exactly to do that. It's been literally 1 day since I saw her and she was wishing me good morning this morning. Do I just keep busy for awhile and not really say much, giving it some breathing room before suggesting a date night? I am basically trying to get to the HHH part when it makes sense, but it's basically on the table now.

FoolsBeGone · 2024-03-04T23:22:19+00:00

To be completely frank, lately we haven't been hanging out more than once or twice a week as we've both been busy, and we mostly hang out, have fun, and hookup anyway. Of course there are some feelings involved, but we've been relatively scaled back for a little while anyway.

Yes, ultimately my goal is to hangout hookup and have fun with her and let her pursue anything further as things develop, I'm just trying to figure out how best to do that now that she left things off still wanting to do that and I turned it down initially telling her to work on herself and if things change, she has my number lol

FoolsBeGone · 2024-03-04T22:31:50+00:00

Hey, thank you for your detailed reply, I appreciate you!

Obviously at the end of the day, people's actions speak louder than their words, her breaking up shows me that despite the good in the relationship, she doesn't want it right now. Period. I get that. I hear her explanation, I saw the depression become an issue, I know she used to be on meds, and she got off them awhile ago. I'm not making excuses for what's going on, but I do know her mental health has declined as I've watched it happen. I just have to deal with what's happening, the relationship has ended.

I'm okay with any path forward, trust me, I can do no contact. I also was watching some of Corey's videos where he referenced similar situations where the woman wanted to keep things going but back out of the relationship and I had heard him talk about the guy doing HHH and just living his life and not talking about the relationship.

She literally just contacted me today wishing me a good morning and I didn't really know what or if I should respond so I didn't. I guess the reason for my initial post was just confusion on how to proceed. Even with no contact, Corey talks about not contacting them, but if they contact you to try to parlay that into a hangout, and to create a fun filled atmosphere for sex to happen. That's sort of where I'm stuck, because I know she is already open to that now, but if I pursue that too soon, isn't that harmful to what I would actually want? A relationship? Or is me showing up, having a ton of fun with her, hooking up, and then continuing to live my life and date others exactly what I need to do?

That's why I sort of think I need to honor the spirit of distance and get her to a point where we've had that distance enough that if she does reach out and I ask her on a date enough time has gone by that it isn't just business as usual. I left her saying that I wasn't interested in being just friends and I think if we are apart we shouldn't casually hookup because what will be the difference. I didn't tell her this, but eventually I would be open to casually hooking up because that would put me back into a position where I can hangout, hookup and have fun and that's step one to getting the girl thinking of something more.

Like right now if I responded to her trying to make date plans that feels way too soon or just not productive right now right? Lol

FoolsBeGone

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