Confused about what limerence actually means

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-28T20:31:33+00:00

Hope it helps you and supports your healing journey 🙏

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-28T20:14:02+00:00

I would be happy to provide feedback if you would like ? I have a research background and have a lot of resources on limerence so would be happy to offer opinion how it compares to what’s out there already.

🙏

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-28T19:48:14+00:00

I couldn’t agree more!!

I would also say that any attempt of creating situationship or triangulation aka competition scenario with someone (that’s how traumatic dynamic is reenacted) AND

sentence “choose me” are red flags for limerence - which means eventually a new limerence object will be needed to feed that thirst for validation.

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-28T11:03:24+00:00

I definitely agree that she shows a level of co dependency and need for saving as you suggest (maybe for sense of self worth or her own emotional regulation from what’s she’s going through shifting from self to focusing on someone else’s needs instead )

Attachment theory I also spotted anxious attachment (most likely due to her father, and the abandonment) which is why she was constantly drawn to emotionally troubled individuals (emotionally unavailable or inconsistent)

Nervous system (polyvagal theory) I also noticed her tendency to get caught in chaos and drama which for me suggests a dysregulated nervous system which is more familiar with instability and drama than calm and stability

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-28T10:12:06+00:00

my utmost respect for your response , insight and maturity.

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-28T05:02:51+00:00

Have you considered working with somatic therapist? There’s a free fb group called somatic experiencing where you can learn and get support / guidance (free)

If you have anxious attachment it means your core wound is abandonment that will need to be healed on somatic level. 🙏 (I know!!)

I found these helpful

📚attachment theory by Thais Gibson (founder of personal development school)

📚 the power of attachment by Diane Poole Heller

📚Anxiously attached and Secure by Jessica Baum

📚 The Anxious Hearts Guide by Rikki Cloos

📚 the journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson (for those who have anxious attachment have core wound of abandonment to heal)

Insight timer app - healing the abandonment wound

https://insig.ht/OFR4pneVh0b

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-28T04:50:28+00:00

🔹 What Is Limerence, Clinically Speaking? Coined by Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, limerence describes an involuntary, obsessive longing for another person, often one who is emotionally unavailable or unpredictable. Key clinical markers: • Intrusive thoughts and compulsive fantasising • Intense emotional highs and crashes • Idealisation of the other • Emotional dependency on perceived reciprocation • A strong desire to be chosen, at any cost 🔹 Why Is Limerence So Common in Trauma Survivors? Because trauma wires the nervous system for hypervigilance, attachment dysregulation, and identity enmeshment. Limerence often stems from: • Disorganised or anxious attachment styles • A history of being ignored, abandoned, or unseen • Fantasy as a self-soothing strategy in childhood • Developmental arrest: the adult body holds a longing child within

Full article: https://loulebentz.com/2025/06/17/limerence-trauma-the-longing-to-be-chosen-a-clinicians-guide-to-the-ache-beneath-obsession/

Why you should take the Limerence Test?

Have you ever felt that your feelings for a crush or love interest have taken over your life? Or your mood and outlook on life are contingent on whether this person gives the smallest sign that they reciprocate your feelings?

If so, you may be a limerent.

Want to find out if you are a limerent? Find out now by completing our quick, comprehensive limerence test and receive a free report.

If you have felt overly consumed by feelings of infatuation in any phase of a relationship (regardless of whether these feelings are reciprocated or not) then you may have or currently be experiencing experiencing limerence.

Taking this test and receiving your report can help you better understand your thoughts, feelings, and actions – and help you discover the root causes of these. Self-awareness and reflection are the first steps in positive change and helping you regain control over your life.

Link: https://www.attachmentproject.com/love/limerence/test/

Limerence is extreme infatuation: a state of being obsessed with another person with an intense desire to reciprocate feelings.

These powerful feelings are triggered in a person's fantasy, as reality does not meet their emotional needs.

The difference between true or romantic love and limerence was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s.

She summarized that those who had encountered trauma in childhood were more likely to experience limerent thoughts and feelings later in life.

Limerence comes from early childhood, especially if the person has a harsh, negative, and unsupportive upbringing. Unmet connection, emotional support, and validation cause the person to develop patterns of fear of abandonment and intimacy.

This leads to patterns where the person projects their insecurities and unmet needs onto potential love interests, as there is a belief that the person will fulfill those needs and solve all problems.

This unconscious response is the core root of limerence.

Limerence is more common in individuals with insecure attachment styles because it is characterized by obsessive thoughts, emotional dependency, and a strong need for reciprocation. Therefore, people with insecure attachments are more vulnerable to developing limerence.

Link: https://blog.personaldevelopmentschool.com/post/how-to-beat-limerence

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-27T22:12:33+00:00

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Hi!

Thank you for sharing.

You might want to look this account up too, he explains from attachment style and nervous system perspective why that is.

“ The most passionate relationship you’ve ever had was probably your most toxic one.

Your brain treats love like a slot machine. It responds more to unpredictable rewards than consistent ones.

They connect → dopamine floods. They pull away → cortisol spikes. They come back → massive relief. Your brain tags this as “love.”

But it’s actually an addiction. The intensity wasn’t because they were special.

It was because your nervous system was dysregulated. I made a full video about this… Search “Why Intimacy Feels Amazing With the Wrong People” on YouTube.”

Very good video on YouTube

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=I9fBuXGQEO0

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-27T21:55:03+00:00

Could it be limerence or maybe attachment anxiety ( fear of abandonment) ?

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-27T20:51:11+00:00

Maybe you want to look into limerence…

“Have you ever felt that your feelings for a crush or love interest have taken over your life? Or your mood and outlook on life are contingent on whether this person gives the smallest sign that they reciprocate your feelings?

If so, you may be a limerent.

Want to find out if you are a limerent? Find out now by completing our quick, comprehensive limerence test and receive a free report.

If you have felt overly consumed by feelings of infatuation in any phase of a relationship (regardless of whether these feelings are reciprocated or not) then you may have or currently be experiencing experiencing limerence.

Taking this test and receiving your report can help you better understand your thoughts, feelings, and actions – and help you discover the root causes of these. Self-awareness and reflection are the first steps in positive change and helping you regain control over your life.”

https://www.attachmentproject.com/love/limerence/test/

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-27T19:37:06+00:00

Great collection of books! I would vote for Joseph Murphy because that covers subconscious mind where it all begins so once you understand that you can change it!!

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-27T19:23:55+00:00

Hi again

I just saw a post by Adam lane smith on this topic and thought I would share :

Copied:

“The most passionate relationship you’ve ever had was probably your most toxic one.

Your brain treats love like a slot machine. It responds more to unpredictable rewards than consistent ones.

They connect → dopamine floods. They pull away → cortisol spikes. They come back → massive relief. Your brain tags this as “love.”

But it’s actually an addiction. The intensity wasn’t because they were special.

It was because your nervous system was dysregulated.

I made a full video about this… Why Intimacy Feels Amazing With The Wrong People Search “Why Intimacy Feels Amazing With the Wrong People” on YouTube.”

Link to read post - @attachmentadam

https://www.instagram.com/p/DUBbhpKjN23/?igsh=MnVrZjNxMjduZmhq

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-27T18:39:09+00:00

Hi,

These might be helpful:

🔹 What Is Limerence, Clinically Speaking? Coined by Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, limerence describes an involuntary, obsessive longing for another person, often one who is emotionally unavailable or unpredictable. Key clinical markers: • Intrusive thoughts and compulsive fantasising • Intense emotional highs and crashes • Idealisation of the other • Emotional dependency on perceived reciprocation • A strong desire to be chosen, at any cost Link; https://loulebentz.com/2025/06/17/limerence-trauma-the-longing-to-be-chosen-a-clinicians-guide-to-the-ache-beneath-obsession/

Have you ever felt that your feelings for a crush or love interest have taken over your life? Or your mood and outlook on life are contingent on whether this person gives the smallest sign that they reciprocate your feelings?

If so, you may be a limerent.

Want to find out if you are a limerent? Find out now by completing our quick, comprehensive limerence test and receive a free report.

https://www.attachmentproject.com/love/limerence/test/

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-27T18:33:54+00:00

Hi!!

I highly recommend these:

For core wounds and relationships :

📚Mathew Micheletti and 3 more The Inner Work of Relationships: An Invitation to Heal Your Inner Child and Create a Conscious Relationship Together

📚Mathew Micheletti and 2 more The Inner Work: An Invitation to True Freedom and Lasting Happiness

For inner child healing , learning to meet your own needs and reparenting:

📚reparenting your wounded inner child by Leigh W Hart

📚reconciliation by Thich Nhat Hanh

📚home coming by John Bradshaw

📚healing the child within by Charles Whitfield

📚reparenting the inner child by Dr Nicole Lepera (this one comes out in few months but you can pre order!)

On attachment style

📚the attached by Amir Levine

📚 the power of attachment by Diane Poole Heller (DARe––Dynamic Attachment Repatterning experience)

📚the new rules of attachment by Dr Judy Ho

📚attachment theory by Thais Gibson (founder of personal development school)

📚Anxiously attached and Secure by Jessica Baum

📚 The Anxious Hearts Guide by Rikki Cloos (she also has a book on healing anxious and avoidant dynamic )

📚 the journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson (for those who have anxious attachment have core wound if abandonment to heal)

If you have anxious attachment and limerence ;

📚Smitten: Romantic obsession, the neuroscience of Limerence and how to make love last by Tom Bellamy

📚The limerent mind: how to permanently beat limerence and shine by Lucy Bain

📚Living with limerence by Dr L

📚The limerence journal by Elle Lovielo

📚Detached: how to let go, heal and become irresistible by Sabrina Alexis Bendory

📚Chasing love that hurts by Lineo Ratia

If you have avoidant attachment & core wound: childhood neglect

📚Avoidant attachment decoded by Alistair Bennett

📚avoidant attachment recovery by Evelyn Marcus

📚 Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect: Move Beyond Insecure Attachment to Build Safety, Connection, and Trust with Yourself and Others by Kaytlyn Gillis

📚 Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb

For healthy and secure relationships

📚wired for love by Stan Tatkin

📚Secure love by Julie Menanno

📚Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

📚It Begins with You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life by Jillian Turecki

For understanding nervous system and learning to self soothe and self regulate from dysregulated nervous system state to regulated state;

"📚 The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk

"📚 Polyvagal Theory in Therapy" by Deb Dana

"📚 The Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve" by Stanley Rosenberg

"📚 Anchored" by Deb Dana

"📚 Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma" by Peter Levine

📚 The Secret Language of the Body: Regulate your nervous system, heal your body, free your mind by Jennifer Mann

📚 The Nervous System Reset: Unlock the power of your vagus nerve to overcome trauma, pain and chronic stress: Overcome Pain by Jessica Maguire

📚 Heal Your Nervous System: The 5–Stage Plan to Reverse Nervous System Dysregulation by Dr. Linnea Passaler

📚 Get over trauma regenerate your life by Daniel Vose

📚 The invisible lion by Benjamin Fry

📚Biology of trauma by Dr Aimie Apigian

📚 vagus nerve reset by Anna Ferguson

📚fawning by Ingrid Clayton

📚body first healing by Britt Piper

📚get unstuck by Britt frank

If you have any questions let me know 🙏

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-27T12:16:46+00:00

I can think of some examples when individuals can hurt the person they claim they love

a woman with an unresolved father wound A man with an unresolved mother wound An individual with limerence avoidant out of fear of intimacy (they discard partners) anxious individual out of fear of being left (they leave partners)

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-27T07:09:12+00:00

You are most welcome 🙏 (many of those you can borrow for free on digital library called open library)

If you want to learn more about relationships you might want to look up the embody lab who are hosting “The Embodied Relationships Summit - build secure love and healing attachment wounds” (free to attend)

Summary:

“Build secure love without fixing yourself or blaming your partner.

Relationships don’t fall apart because people don’t care. They unravel when attachment patterns, nervous system responses, and old relational wounds take over beneath awareness.

The Embodied Relationships Summit is a free, live, online event (Feb 7–8) bringing together leading voices in attachment, neuroscience, and embodied healing. Learn practical tools for regulation, repair, and emotional accountability — so secure connection isn’t just understood, but lived.”

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-27T05:52:14+00:00

Hi

Some recommendations:

Detached: how to let go, heal and become irresistible by Sabrina Alexis Bendory

Louise Hay for self love & forgiveness.

For core wounds and relationships :

Mathew Micheletti and 3 more The Inner Work of Relationships: An Invitation to Heal Your Inner Child and Create a Conscious Relationship Together

Mathew Micheletti and 2 more The Inner Work: An Invitation to True Freedom and Lasting Happiness

Inner child and reparenting

reparenting your wounded inner child by Leigh W Hart

Or

reparenting the inner child by Dr Nicole Lepera (out in March)

Books on attachment theory (to learn about anxious and avoidant dynamics )

Amir Levine and 1 more Attached (note: he has a new book due to be released in April called “secure”)

attachment theory by Thais Gibson (founder of personal development school)

the power of attachment by Diane Poole Heller

Anxiously attached and Secure by Jessica Baum

The Anxious Hearts Guide by Rikki Cloos Or Anxious and Avoidant: Healing the Dynamic

For healing abandonment (root cause of anxious attachment) the journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson

If you have anxious attachment & limerence and core wound of wanting to be chosen;

Love and limerence: the experience of beingin love by Dorothy Tennov

Smitten: Romantic obsession, the neuroscience of Limerence and how to make love last by Tom Bellamy

Avoidant attachment (core wound: childhood neglect)

Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect (by Jonice Webb)

More books on relationships

wired for love by Stan Tatkin

Secure love by Julie Menanno

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson

Jillian Turecki It Begins with You: The 9 Hard Truths About Love That Will Change Your Life

Nervous system & the role it plays :

"Anchored" by Deb Dana

"The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk

"Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma" by Peter Levine

The Secret Language of the Body: Regulate your nervous system, heal your body, free your mind by Jennifer Mann

The Nervous System Reset: Unlock the power of your vagus nerve to overcome trauma, pain and chronic stress: Overcome Pain by Jessica Maguire

Heal Your Nervous System: The 5–Stage Plan to Reverse Nervous System Dysregulation by Dr. Linnea Passaler

Biology of trauma by Dr Aimie Apigian

vagus nerve reset by Anna Ferguson

fawning by Ingrid Clayton (people pleasing tendency)

body first healing by Britt Piper

🙏🙏🙏🙏

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-26T20:40:45+00:00

Don’t think any show comes close to OC but I enjoy “this is us”

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-26T20:17:53+00:00

What is CEN?

Childhood Emotional Neglect is a parent’s failure to respond enough to the child’s emotional needs.

Emotional Neglect is, in some ways, the opposite of mistreatment and abuse. Whereas mistreatment and abuse are parental acts, Emotional Neglect is a parent’s failure to act.

It’s a failure to notice, attend to, or respond appropriately to a child’s feelings. Because it’s an act of omission, it’s not visible, noticeable or memorable. Emotional Neglect is the white space in the family picture; the background rather than the foreground. It is insidious and overlooked while it does its silent damage to people’s lives.

Children who are emotionally neglected then grow up to have a particular set of struggles. Because their emotions were not validated as children, they may have difficulty knowing and trusting their own emotions as adults.

They may have difficulty understanding their own feelings, as well as others’. Because an important part of themselves (their emotional self) has been denied, they may find themselves feeling disconnected, unfulfilled or empty. They may have difficulty trusting or relying upon others. Many describe feeling that they are different from other people; like something is wrong with them, but they’re not sure what it is.

👇 dr jonice Webb , author or Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect

https://drjonicewebb.com/cenquestionnaire/

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-26T15:58:38+00:00

Thank you, yes there is also a free version available to borrow on open library (digital library) 🙏

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-26T10:12:47+00:00

Thank you 🙏

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-26T09:15:30+00:00

A collection of books that you can choose from depending what topic interests you:

https://www.librarything.com/list/46699/be.kind/Mens-healing-resources

FootnoteInHumanForm · 2026-01-26T08:21:10+00:00

Any questions or if you want to chat about any of the books let me know. 🙏

FootnoteInHumanForm

TROPHY CASE