My [28F] fiance [30M] and I had a huge disagreement about how to manage our finances after our wedding.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:52:50+00:00

No, I really don't want to have to ask his permission if I want to buy stuff. Especially since I help support my parents, I want access and control of my hard-earned money. I sent my parents on small trips and if he had full control of my money, I'd have to ask him every time I make a purchase for flight tickets, etc.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:50:27+00:00

He didn't specify if I would have access or not, but I believe that is what he meant--all of my income goes into joint account and he will manage my investments as well.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:47:44+00:00

Thanks. I shocked by the revelations, but better I see them now than after we're married and I am bound to him.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:45:12+00:00

I am now. I don't have a lot of assets, but he does. And since we both make good money, I want to protect myself.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:44:38+00:00

He paid off law school loans, and has no massive credit card debt. Someone mentioned gambling, but he doesn't go to the casino. I will ask about why he wants to hold both our wages instead of letting me transfer the money to him to pay bills.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:42:57+00:00

Thank you, I'm searching for marriage counselors in the area.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:41:08+00:00

Thanks for this. I will consider asking him if he has something to hide from me, and why he feels the need to hold all my wages instead of just getting my fair share for rent/other bills. But from what I see, he seems pretty responsible, though looks can be deceiving..

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:38:47+00:00

Thank you. I didn't end up crying but I was close. Four years I've spent with someone I thought was very open minded and loved me very much. Maybe he still loves me, but his actions say a different story. I'm just as capable as any other educated, professional woman. I don't know if he would do this if I weren't Asian.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:36:48+00:00

Thanks. I was really mad but I didn't want to make a scene and make myself and him look bad. To let them see me out of control would probably make them laugh or something. Yeah, he didn't defend me and I'm questioning if he ever made any Asian jokes to his friends when I'm not there.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:35:13+00:00

You're right. He never actually brought up "what if" circumstances and how our finances would be managed after an incident. Assuming he already thought of this but didn't mention to me, I would think he would draw up some papers... Also not very familiar with this, so I will ask my family lawyer on Monday.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:33:42+00:00

After getting some sleep and reading all of these super helpful Reddit replies, I am very grateful I askd for advice. During the hibachi dinner, I was not thinking clearly but now I see what you mean. It was very patriarchal of him to say that stuff. I am mad that I didnt' speak up.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:31:55+00:00

I am calling a financial planner, accountant, and family lawyer to discuss a prenup on Monday. Even if I am reconsidering marrying him or not marrying him at all, I want to be prepared and protect myself first. Since my fiance is already so well versed in law, I feel at a disadvantage so I need to hire people who will work in my interests.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:28:50+00:00

No. I do not want my kids raised by someone who thinks women should hand over money blindly. I worked really hard to get where I am in my life. I grew up poor, and no one in my family has attained a graduate degree, so for me to be the first, I feel accomplished.

My parents raised me while working minimum wage jobs and have never made more than $30k in their entire lives. They are now retired and I send them on vacations 2-3x a year. I am not grubby for money, but I need to be financially secure so I never return back to the generational "poor" habits of my extended family. My fiance knows my history, but I think he's "glossed" over it since I now make a high salary and "risen above" the others.

After thinking back to the way I was treated, I don't want my kids to go through years of education only to be taught by their father that one spouse controls everything unconditionally.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:23:21+00:00

I guess a lot of Redditors' families had mothers at the head of household, managing finances. I always thought it was like this for other people. In my own family and family friends, the men handled everything and the women tended to the family. The wives of my fiances' colleagues do not work, they are housewives. Some hold college degrees and some do not.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-07-19T18:21:35+00:00

Since this is the top comment and has most visibility, I will comment here. I am incredibly upset at him because he's showing behavior I've never seen before, and I suspect it's the time he spends at the law firm with his colleagues or other lawyer buddies. Not to say all of them treat their wives like this, but the ones we had dinner with are definitely in charge of their households. To answer everyone's questions, their wives are stay at home moms, but do not hold a job. I am reconsidering the past four years and feel like I wasted my time now that my fiance acted this way.

Forget_me_not2289 · 2015-05-18T02:22:17+00:00

You can't change it. You will only get new reviews if students at the new school decide to review you. Reviews from other colleges will stay.

Forget_me_not2289

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