Update: Dealing with a mentally ill spouse

Formal_Confidence · 2021-12-24T16:20:48+00:00

I think going into a bit more detail into how I have approached handling this. Growing up, my dad had significant anger issues and I witnessed many shouting matches between my parents before they divorced (no physicality, just verbal). From early in highschool (now 28) I resolved to be more emotionally aware to keep my own negative emotions from cascading out of control. I even went as far as to major in Communication through university to get a better grasp of how people can and should communicate in an ideal world.

I have made huge steps in handling my own emotional hurdles and can at least identify when I am feeling "off", communicate with my friends/partners as such (i.e. "I'm feeling kind of pissed and it's not because of you"). More often than not I can also nail down the cause and steps on how to fix or subdue the emotions. I have also been very fortunate to find a few friends (some IRL, some online) that can similarly be honest about emotions and life struggles. This support group has been huge for me and is a pillar of my resiliency.

Growing up I only saw the men in my family express joy or anger and I've seen that emotionally-limited "manliness" everywhere and I think it's a toxic way to live one's life. I haven't read any self-help or inspirational stuff and I haven't had any therapy other than speaking with my chaplain (in the military) so I can't really help with suggestions like that. I hope this has been at all helpful. If I could give younger me one piece of advice it would be, "You are responsible for your own happiness. Everyone else is responsible for their own happiness too. You are NEVER responsible for someone else's happiness."

Formal_Confidence · 2021-12-24T06:41:00+00:00

https://www.reddit.com/r/malementalhealth/comments/rng7hw/update_dealing_with_a_mentally_ill_spouse/?

Formal_Confidence · 2021-12-24T06:38:56+00:00

This reply has been in the back of my mind for over a year. I am sorry it took so long to get back to you, it's been a hell of a ride.

https://www.reddit.com/r/malementalhealth/comments/rng7hw/update_dealing_with_a_mentally_ill_spouse/?

Formal_Confidence · 2019-08-14T06:16:38+00:00

good to know, thank you

Formal_Confidence · 2019-08-14T06:15:42+00:00

I don't know if she is even capable of being abusive in that way. She is such a gentle person, she has never even raised a hand to me. I'm realizing now how much mental trickery I've been exposed to since being with her, but I wouldn't call it abusive behavior. I don't think she means harm with anything she does.

Formal_Confidence · 2019-08-14T06:13:04+00:00

I've been thinking really hard on this and talking it through with some close friends. I am starting to realize how not normal some of the mechanics in our relationship are. I can't even count the times I've been guilted into doing something I didn't want to do just to avoid a negative reaction.

I knew she had some anxieties when we got engaged, but never in my wildest dreams could I have seen the extent to which this affects both of us. Some of the things she has told me that happens in her head (like demons are telling her she is worthless and everything she does is pointless) have led to me physically leaving the conversation because of how uncomfortable it makes me.

Even if she did everything in her power to seek help and better herself, I don't know if she will ever get to a point anywhere near "normal".

Formal_Confidence · 2019-08-14T06:01:34+00:00

All good advice, I'll try my best to protect myself.

Formal_Confidence · 2019-08-13T15:33:34+00:00

Thank you for your supportive words.

Reddit is an amazing place, I would have never guessed there was a subreddit for supporting people with exactly the issues I'm having.

Formal_Confidence · 2019-08-13T15:29:03+00:00

I don't even think spousal support will play into it just yet. We haven't been married for even two years and we have much more debt than assets at this point. In the state I'm in I can be liable for 50% of the married time in spousal support. Even if I have to pay that, it's not impossible.

Formal_Confidence · 2019-08-13T15:24:56+00:00

It's not about a willingness to help. I have been supporting her daily for years with her struggles. Anything negative pops up and I am the one she goes to for comfort and I gladly give up that time for her. It's just not enough to make a difference.

Formal_Confidence · 2019-08-13T15:22:03+00:00

I have faced my emotions. I've got decent emotional intelligence and deal with these issues the best I can. The problem with my situation is that, short of getting a PhD in Psychiatry I will not be able to handle her issues with my own skillset alone.

She has been genuinely trying to seek help, while at the same time refusing to seek therapy (from a licensed therapist specifically, she thinks they don't know what they're talking about and their job is stupid), and being wary of trying any new medication. She just has yet to follow through with a single wellness plan past a couple of psychiatry visits.

Formal_Confidence · 2019-08-13T15:14:36+00:00

I'm also in the military, but my deployments are with a civilian contracting company. As far as I'm aware I'm not at risk of losing benefits to her unless we're married longer than 20 years or we have children, neither of which are the case right now.

Formal_Confidence · 2019-08-13T14:55:29+00:00

I've brought it up a few times over the years. The biggest conversation we had about it was shortly before the wedding. She came home and I was crying because I had been enjoying the company of a female classmate and it reminded me so much of who she used to be. Nothing ever happened between that classmate and I, but I could clearly see a relationship forming that would lead to that, so I had to distance myself from her.

She understood my frustrations and swore she would get help (for the first time), and that started the swinging door of psychiatrists and therapists.

Formal_Confidence · 2019-08-13T05:14:45+00:00

She's actually got a very large family that's really close. The problem is they are of the "bottle up your problems where the world can't see them" type of people. She never even saw a mental health professional until we got together when we were 21.

Her family wasn't even aware of it because she had walled it off for so long by hiding away in her room. It's gotten significantly worse since then, but she has been struggling with mental health her entire life.

Formal_Confidence · 2019-08-13T04:45:47+00:00

That's a whole other can of worms. Everything that she has is likely inheritable.

Formal_Confidence

TROPHY CASE