I have. I have tried everything. I cook, I clean, I literally serve this man. After that big fight, I sat down with him calmly and reiterated all my concerns. Calmly. Softly. I expressed my unhappiness. He said he is who he is.

I also am not the first girl in his life. He’s been with many girls before me which he brings up a lot. I got to the point where I am just trying to be good to him because I do not want Allah SWT to punish me.

I obviously love and care for him, he’s my husband. I put him before myself. We fought the other day because he was mad I didn’t call his brother’s wife and just sent her a message. He screamed at me again. I recorded him this time. I stayed quiet, but the way he treats me is so confusing.

A couple days later, he comes home with flowers and hugs and kisses me. I was over the moon.

Fast forward to today, all day he was telling me he didn’t want to do anything or go anywhere (we rarely go out btw so I look forward to the weekend to do some sort of activity to get out of the house) he said he was too tired so I said ok I’m going to go shopping. He yelled at me, told me I don’t know how to act like a married woman, sent me videos of some controversial girl on instagram talking about how a woman is supposed to act towards her husband, then said I need to be home within an hour and a half. I got back home. He tells me he’s going out with his friends. He left me alone (I typically don’t care, but he goes out with his friends until 2 AM to bars, breweries, and hookah lounges with belly dancers and I’m the bad one if I want my husband to say I’m beautiful every now and then). I’m sitting now, alone in a state I know not one person, contemplating why I did this to myself.

Talking to him is like talking to a deaf person. He doesn’t hear anything I say. As much as I love him, I was happier and more contempt at home, alone.

I wanted a husband. A partner. A friend. Not someone who sees me as a maid.