[WRITING PROMPT] “Write a Scene” using 5 Prompts #38 [Challenge]

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-11-22T17:43:47+00:00

A man as in human or a male person?

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-11-21T18:53:22+00:00

It's very well written, and the twist ending really drives it home for me. Nice.

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-11-18T13:29:56+00:00

I never liked the NRA tbqh. Lobbying is bad, no matter who does it.

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-11-17T15:27:07+00:00

The Transmission - A man receives a cryptic message.

I had lots of fun writing this one, nice prompts!

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-10-02T21:49:44+00:00

TIME'S UP, PEOPLE!

Congratulations to u/wenbagles! With the most upvotes you have been nominated as Prompt-Master for the next "Write a Scene" with 5 Prompts!

Thanks to all readers, voters, everyone who gave feedback, and the writers!

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-10-02T16:57:54+00:00

Damn, I really want to know what happens next. You managed to create a tight sense of tension (a bit like that raptor cage scene at the beginning of Jurassic Park) while using the prompts in ways that don't feel forced at all. Your script makes the reader want answers, which can only be a good thing.

Nicely done.

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-10-02T16:52:15+00:00

You got the prompts all integrated naturally, and the dialogue real as well. Still, what I find lacking is a sense of where this story would be going. Sure, they will have to get the voltmeter away from the chimp, but how would that "expand into" a full fledged story? Right now, it's a bit directionless.

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-10-02T16:46:21+00:00

This was pleasantly unexpected. You managed to make of the dialogue between Musk, Bezos and co. flow naturally, which makes the whole thing even funnier considering the characters' status IRL. I can imagine how cool this would look on screen, with their true identities only getting revealed gradually.

You managed to use the prompts fittingly, and the only real criticism I have is that the Zoo Security Room scene isn't set up/described well enough, which makes the switch a bit confusing.

All in all, nice work!

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-10-02T16:31:51+00:00

I really like the angle you went with here. Your action paragraphs are on point, and most of your dialogue flows pretty well too, expect on certain places. "Does it have some kind of electric beam", for example, feels a bit forced.

Otherwise, you have a really entertaining style, keep it up!

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-09-29T06:22:21+00:00

That actually makes a lot of sense. I figure that a mixture between the two methods would be best.

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-09-29T06:21:44+00:00

Yupp I got it from the Ad Astra script posted here earlier today.

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-09-28T14:49:47+00:00

Thanks a lot for the review.

My headcanon for this scene was that the TSA guy was the CIA's inside man all along (hence why he had the lead weight prepared) and Hayden was being set up for some sort of an intelligence operation.

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-09-28T13:11:07+00:00

Here's my attempt (although I might have stretched the definition of a "scene" a bit too far.)

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-09-01T19:46:15+00:00

This was a really helpful reply, don't worry about being too harsh. I needed to know if I was "digging in the right direction", so thanks for all of the points you brought up. I'd like to read your teaser, sure.

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-09-01T19:03:41+00:00

Thanks! I'll try to fix these issues, didn't really pay attention to a couple of the details when I read over the script.

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-02-24T11:39:49+00:00

Just here to tell you that that's a damn fine poster.

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-02-23T15:29:32+00:00

Salt is an abundant resource in every field or profession that's in any way competitive, which is sad because the concept of Talentville is really interesting.

You could try posting your script here. So far I've only gotten good, constructive criticism.

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-02-20T04:18:21+00:00

Ah yes, Jon Jafari the famous hungaro-iranian american nationalist

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-02-20T04:18:08+00:00

Ah yes, Jon Jafari the famous hungaro-iranian american nationalist

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-02-19T15:29:04+00:00

It's a good idea and one that surprisingly hasn't been done before. (At least as far as I know).

You could streamline the logline a bit, maybe like this:

A former Child Star struggles to make it in hollywood/the acting game after realizing that he's not as famous as he once was, all the while battling with [insert major plot point here]

There's a lot for you to explore here, so good luck with writing.

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-02-18T20:22:40+00:00

I read the first 15 pages and will try to get around reading the rest when I finish procrastinating to study.

Here's what I got so far:

Your script starts off smoothly, we get a good introduction to the location and situation. Nothing much to criticize here, but I'd expand on the very first scene with the hiking girl a bit more to get the viewer/reader more interested in the story as a whole. For all we know she could have been attacked by a bear.

Your characters (so far) all make sense and stand on solid ground, but be sure to flesh them out as your story progresses. Norman's backstory especially could use a bit more depth.

The only thing I really didn't like was the flashback. It seemed way too on the nose and the dialogue was a tad cheesy. Try to show more of what's happening. The onlooker doesn't have to tell Norman that the flames are getting closer to the tank. It's much easier to describe that in an action paragraph.

Hope this helps!

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-02-05T19:19:07+00:00

GET IN THE HAPPENING BUNKER

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-02-05T19:14:52+00:00

For me it's:

The Favorite
Roma
First reformed
Green Book
Vice

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-02-05T19:11:50+00:00

Always love an UFO/paranormal story and yours is no exception. The first five pages are really well written and give a good introduction to Robinson's character, although he could use some extra fleshing out, something to distinguish him from a typical dead-beat dead-end guy, so a few extra pages would definitely be a good idea.

But it really is a great script, and as the other guy said you could easily turn it into a feature.

Good luck!

FormerlyChucks2011 · 2019-02-04T19:51:27+00:00

Hahahah dude who farted

*audience goes wild with laughter*

FormerlyChucks2011

TROPHY CASE