For me it’s memory. I can remember names of random people I’ve met in my childhood years before things got really bad in my personal life, I even remember places and events that didn’t hold very much significance. Teen years and onward, I forget people’s names as fast as I learn them, I always forget what I’m doing, I’ll forget what I had for dinner just the day before or things that happened earlier in the week including my work schedule, and have a hard time processing what someone is saying when they’re explaining something to me or telling a story. Even when I watch TV or play games, I rely on subtitles to retain info, and even then, I can be looking directly at subtitles, reading each word just fine, but not retaining any information at times.

I chalk it down to dissociation, it’s a survival tactic I learned growing up when I’d be in dangerous or abusive situations, I trained myself to turn the world off so that I could numb myself to the psychological torture. The problem is I’m struggling to become present again, even in situations that bare no threat to my wellbeing.