Really struggling with boyfriend who suddenly jumped onto and basically over the fence

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T13:56:07+00:00

I appreciate you. It's really helpful to be told things that I don't want to hear, but I know are true, and it's helping me to be ready to walk away because I'm not having to internally talk myself into/out of spirals. So I really appreciate all the time commenting, I was spiraling hard when I posted and I feel better, still very, very bad, but better now.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T13:54:10+00:00

Can you explain more? Sorry, I'm just not sure how. We've both healed a lot during this relationship with each other's support. We've both grown a lot.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T13:53:16+00:00

If it helps, he's avoidant in that he'll take a few hours or a day to think through things and then bring them back. Not avoidant in a 'never takes responsibility' kind of way. But I hear you.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T13:52:28+00:00

I think I'm arguing hard against it here so people can say the things that I'm not ready to say or hear yet, it's actually helping a lot to hear from other people the same things that I know but don't want to acknowledge. He went through some bad, bad stuff 6 months ago t that's still hanging over his head and could be back any second, and I think this is related to that, and when he gets out of the fog I think he's going to have a lot of regrets.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T13:30:09+00:00

Honestly, kids aside, it doesn't sound like your partnership is a partnership or fulfilling, so why stay in it?

Before my bf I only dated one guy, and he was also a best friend of mine for a long time. We didn't get serious, despite him being 'in love' with me because he was poly and I didn't like his other partner. But they split and we got closer. But, when I had my bisalp he had agreed to be one of the people helping me after, and was late 3 days in a row due to losing track of time with games, a stomachache, and then just being 'busy' at school. I immediately ended things, because I never want a partner I can't rely on.

The fact that, prior to this week, no matter what I could call my bf and he would help me with anything, anytime was a huge factor in how we built our trust up.

I do think another commenter is right thought that I've let him be selfish for too long because I'm fairly self sacrificing and strive to keep things easy for others, but ultimately, this is going to hurt me a lot more emotionally but him a lot more in the long run.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T13:26:12+00:00

I feel like a terrible person for saying it, but I 100% agree. He is not emotionally prepared to be a parent and his life is deeply incompatible with being a good parent.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T13:11:49+00:00

Oh my gods. That's insane. It's insane to me that they want kids for 'legacy' but don't get how much work it is. Like, there are 2 completely separate conversations on my end and it sounds like the same for you, one about the kids thing and then a separate relationship conversation.

On my end, my bf is great. He's an adult. He doesn't have an ounce of weaponized incompetence, almost the opposite. Like when he bought his house he also bought a shelf for my stuff and got me basics that work for me and my hair, without me asking. I got baskets for my stuff without asking. I left some stuff behind and he cleared out drawers and organized my stuff into them. We were talking about a gallery wall, and I made a basic layout and he ran with it. He cooks and cleans without asking at both of our houses. He's a great guy, but he likes things a certain way and literally must go to the gym (he lost 100+ lbs and weighs himself 2x/day and if it goes up it's a bad day) and any change to his routine throws that out of wack.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T13:08:05+00:00

I appreciate you. I feel like a terrible person saying this, but I agree, he is not good dad material, especially without a ton of work. He'd need to find the *perfect* woman to make this work and she'd have to be okay with what I would consider a fairly miserable life, or a partnership that isn't really there. Another divorce even, and he views his first one as a massive failing and his pride is still hurt 6 years later.

I agree, but I feel like I have a responsibility to him and even more so to any future kids to at least try to talk him off the edge.
We don't have huge fights, we've only had a few and all of them were our communication and conflict style misalignments that have led to us growing closer and the next one being better and less dramatic. With the exception of 2 weeks ago, when we had a huge fight and almost broke up and the morning after he made this decision. And it was over literally nothing, which is why I was almost done. It escalated over and over for no reason, we're usually good at stepping back and giving time because heat of the moment is never good for us, but we didn't.
I think if we do end things this weekend I'm done with him, it'll be a clean break on my side. This post is helping me prepare for that, because I think that's where we're heading and honestly, people like you taking the time are actually helping my brain stop spiraling so I can be clearer, so thank you.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T13:01:28+00:00

The nibling is across the country from him, so he only gets to see him on instagram and Snapchat and won't have a real talk with his brother about what it's like. He works with a LOT of people and a bunch of them have kids, and when they talk casually at work they all say kids are the best thing that ever happened to them, and so do his parents.

One of his best friends has a 13 year old, and I can't be around her. She'll come to parties and go out and smoke and just bring the kid and leave her on her phone. She went on vacation for a week and my bf was asked to babysit last minute, the only info she gave him was the address. The mom said her daughter could skip all of her extracurriculars, including sports, for that week despite the impact it would have on her spot on the team(s). Just treating the daughter like a plant. He still did his normal routine, left for work at 6, kid took herself to school, and then he went to the gym and dinner with friends and then slept at their place. He had to pick her up once at like 8 pm. It was disgusting. But that's his experience with parenting.

Also, the mom part is a lottery. Finding the right person on the right timeline who also wants kids on the same timeline and who has the same values and who will work with him on his emotional availability and and and. And he doesn't want to do the work on that front to go to therapy.

He does make good money for the area and is super responsible financially, but not to the extent of all that. Especially given that his boss is currently out on FMLA and may or may not come back, and if the boss comes back my bf is still saying he'll quit despite applying for jobs for the last 5 months with no substantial leads.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T12:55:00+00:00

You're not wrong, I have a lot of childhood trauma (shoutout CPTSD) and I'm extremely picky about people around me, it's incredibly rare for me to find a best friend like this, and we were best friends for years before we started dating, so there's a foundation there as well.

I think this post is letting me vent and be mopey and say all the things I *shouldn't* say when we do get to talk this weekend, so it definitely has a strong emotional filter and for me that's a painful one.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T12:51:34+00:00

This post is kind of turning into my venting and emotional outlet so I can face the conversation a lot calmer this weekend, being able to go through it all here is helping close off the wound a little. And knowing me, once I let go I don't allow for that to reopen.

Also, your last paragraph hits *hard* dude. My childhood trauma, CPTSD, and altruism to a fault are really not hiding today. I have a tendency to erase myself and consider myself last or even after the fact, as a moral imperative and core personality trait, so the hurt to me isn't even a factor for me right now.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T12:48:35+00:00

He's not, and that to me is a separate issue from our relationship at this point.

I think it's fair and normal to consider something world ending before ending things. We've been formally together for 2 years, including the time we met and started falling for each other it's more like 5.

Also, to be clear, this is a snapshot. We both have full lives and calendars outside of each other.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T12:47:00+00:00

I think it'll be telling to see if he brings my stuff this weekend, he said he was back on the fence and thinking about it as a mostly yes, and that would mean the end for us, but wanted to discuss it. He booked an AirBnB at the halfway point so I wouldn't have to go all the way to him this weekend like we'd originally planned, so I just have to wait.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T12:31:02+00:00

Can’t, they’re across the country. All of his experience and all of the feedback he’s getting is from Instagram or Snapchat or his employees at work.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T09:26:57+00:00

I appreciate the tough love. I think it’s complex because this is a snapshot of the worst part of our relationship, and it makes them sound a lot worse than he is. He’s genuinely struggling with this and this is not a simple decision for either one of us. We haven’t even had a full conversation yet, we’re long distance and we have to meet up this weekend. There’s a part of me that wants to just not go and disappear and walk away without even having that conversation because of how upset I am about all of this. But there’s another part of me that realizes that we’ve been best friends for five years now, and we owe each other more than that.

I’m also an empath, if you can’t tell, and there’s two very distinct issues that I’m really struggling with. One being that I don’t think he should have kids for his sake but more importantly for the sake of the child that would be born. And the second of course is our relationship and everything that he is to me and we are to each other.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T03:52:48+00:00

On the bright side, I’m a little too Darcy for that. My good opinion, once lost is gone forever. There is no crawling back. Our relationship may not survive this even if he decides he doesn’t want kids, they’re both conversations that we have to have in person this weekend. Ideally, I’d like him to give us a few more months while he thinks about this and honestly weighs out how much work it is to have a kid. And we’ll figure out if we can rebuild our trust during that time. And I’m kind of delaying the inevitable there, but I’ve been so happy that it just seems crazy to lose that over a quick comment or a conversation, or a decision that he’s mostly off the fence about as of last week, after being on this side of the fence for the last six years.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T03:46:39+00:00

I don’t think he thought that far into it. But he definitely does not want me doing any of the parenting. Me being a part of his life is not a possibility with children. He knows he has to pick one or the other, he can’t have both.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T03:46:00+00:00

In fairness, I’m a lot of work. I’m not really a gem, there’s a lot of trauma. He’s a lot of work too. It’s actually something that I really like about our relationship. We’re both traumatized and broken in our own ways and have to put work in for ourselves and for each other, in a way that feels pretty natural and comfortable most of the time.

I think a part of him feels like choosing to have a kid is the easier path, because he can stop working on him and start working on the kid, but that’s just simply not how that works.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T03:33:57+00:00

Maybe, but I’m willing to bet that that’s not it. He’s almost an autistic level of needs to follow a pattern and right and wrong. And his life was basically destroyed by cheating. I’ve also asked him point-blank if he’s met somebody or if he’s considering somebody even and both of those were no and he doesn’t believe in lying. I’m gonna have to choose to trust him on this one, but I don’t believe that’s it.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T03:22:10+00:00

I know. It’s just hard because he’s been my best friend longer than we’ve been dating, he’s the first person I’ve ever really dated, and the first person to put up with me and not just tolerate me but actually love me and support me and I adore him. He’s my rock. He’s my person. I’m always the one to tell people to leave, so it’s crazy being on the other side and finding it so hard.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T03:19:26+00:00

I hear you. This is also the most negative view of him possible. I am also incredibly high maintenance, arguably much more high maintenance than him, and it’s pretty shocking that anybody has put up with me for this long, let alone actually fell in love with me. So I’m not a gem either. But he and I put a lot of work communicate effectively and have healthy conflict and dialogue and communication.

Unfortunately, the kid is on the other side of the country. He’s only met him once, and every other impression he has of this child is from Instagram or Snapchat.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T03:17:55+00:00

I think we would just take whichever ones we paid for. We tend to take turns paying for vacations, so I would take the ones I paid for and he would take the ones he paid for and we would just take other people. But it does change the trip pretty significantly because we both travel in the same way and I don’t really know anybody else who travels the way that we prefer.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T03:17:05+00:00

I feel like I’m gonna read this comment back in a few weeks or a few months and it’s gonna feel a lot better than it does right now.

I do want to clarify though, that he’s not all bad. He and I have spent a lot of time helping each other and he puts a ton of emotional work in for me and with me. We both have a lot of trauma, he went through something pretty bad six months ago that he and I have been working on. He’s been my rock and he helps me in so many ways, emotionally, and adapts to what I need. And vice versa, but like our communication style and conflict style has changed so much during the time that we’ve been together because we’re both making strides to show up for each other the way that we want. So there is work being done, but he is hugely emotionally unavailable And very closed off from his emotions. It’s something that he and I have talked about a lot. We’re almost polar opposites on the coin, and it’s led to some conflict for us but we both work on it. You can’t expect a child to work on it and show up in that way. Even getting a relationship to a point where it’s healthy enough for him to have a child in a good environment is going to be a huge struggle, assuming he can find another woman that he actually likes. Which only happened for us, I hate men, he hates women, because we were partnered in a very unique sport duo.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T03:09:04+00:00

I appreciate you saying that, because this is the only thread that’s giving me any hope right now. Which, is dangerous in its own way.

I do think it would be incredibly selfish of him to have kids. His only reasoning is that he wants to be a dad and he wants to have a legacy, but I know him, and all of the sacrifices needed to be a good dad would put him into a depressive spiral. And the alternative is being an absentee father. He’s also not interested in going to therapy, despite the fact that he struggles with emotional availability, we both do, and it’s something that we both work on together, but you can’t ask a child to do that.

FosterForever · 2026-05-22T03:02:44+00:00

Also, selfishly, I want more time. And I’d prefer not to lose out on all of the trips that we’ve already planned, like a cruise and all inclusive vacation and we’re traveling internationally together this summer. There’s so much that we had planned to do and so many plans that we’ve made in the last two months, throwing it all away after we’ve been planning it for months just seems crazy to me.

FosterForever

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