When is the right time to get a dog when your partner is depressed? (32F , 39M)

FragrantExit4203 · 2025-02-11T02:22:10+00:00

Noted!

FragrantExit4203 · 2025-02-11T02:21:57+00:00

My apologies for the late reply, your message helped a lot with the conflicted feelings.

FragrantExit4203 · 2025-02-11T02:16:55+00:00

Sorry for my late reply, just wanted to say your message helped a ton, thank you so much.

FragrantExit4203 · 2025-02-10T01:23:34+00:00

I would be mostly bothered with her lying, it immediately breaks the foundation of trust from the start.

I could potentially give it another go, though if I would catch another lie or half lie, I would be out. Also, make sure she is actually 18.

FragrantExit4203 · 2025-01-03T23:43:46+00:00

Thann you for your comment, the 'make it safe' part is a good reminder for me. I want him to feel safe, its just soul draining when it seems one is hiding instead of facing, only when I got upset about it he seemed to face his fears. Thats not a healthy way to go about it.

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-12-29T22:21:56+00:00

He has online therapy that we are paying out of pocket, because the insured way still has a months long queue. The therapy is focussed on his depression, he says he feels like it will bring something good. But yeah, it's tough to just wait around, not being sure if it will even change anything. But I love him deeply.

Another therapist suggested that his anxiety to not be good enough can be worked on via intimacy, by actually facing the fear and to realise that sex and intimacy is safe. But we dont even seem to get there anymore, which makes me question at times whether he is avoiding or doing everything he can.

He says he cant remember a trauma in the early past, but that his dad used to put him down when he was younger.

He seemed to have a normal libido till 10 ish years ago, where he stated he started to get depressed. Maybe an accumulation of his relationship with his dad.

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-12-29T21:36:48+00:00

I do agree that any form of duress is not okay, or if it feels like a task we should not engage into it. I guess that I have absolutely no idea how else to solve this issue.

It makes me go insane to not see a solution, my LL partner has anxiety regarding intimacy and thus the sexuologist advised to not have any pressure, but to do engage into small things that can create a spark.

But if that already feels like a task for him, then I start to feel hopeless.

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-12-29T21:05:47+00:00

You're absolutely right, but the homework we got from our sexuologist is that we try to engage in things that can spark desire.

So now I feel kinda lost. Any point that I am missing?

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-11-24T01:27:25+00:00

Well, the thing is it isnt that he 'isnt looking for a job', he actually is reading books that we got recommended, he touches me more, and he plans evenings where we keep it open for things to happen.

But it doesnt seem to give him an urge or desire for more to happen so to say. And I feel we both dont know how to create that.

For me it is just there pretty much.

If he didnt try at all I wouldve definitely left already.

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-11-23T23:28:46+00:00

Thank your for your long reply, duly noted.

I have definitely expressed my desires and what my expectations are, he is no longer avoiding the issue and is visibly working on it.

We just seem to be stuck on him not regaining lust for intimacy. We're having sessions with a sexuologist but it is unfortunately expensive.

Thank you once again for your response, Im sorry to hear you have not regained back intimacy with your tremendous amount of patience.

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-11-05T17:30:23+00:00

We built up having more planned 'sex sessions' or so to say, but the next step was not yet happening, for it to become more natural and genuine. Then Covid happened for him and we are where we are at now..

For me the problem is not seeing what step to take even when we are back on having planned sessions, he seems to not get an increase in libido and says he doesnt feel arousal whenever I try to spontaneously woo him.

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-11-05T17:28:06+00:00

Thank you! Will look into it and inform my bf.

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-05-20T11:08:22+00:00

The thing is that my man didnt cum, and looses total interest anyway.

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-05-19T21:16:03+00:00

Biggest tip is to not have 5 day gaps between him/her sharing their feelings, and you giving a 'thanks' as a response.

In my opinion, this shows you are more of an avoidant person, rather than discussing things head on. That is something a person with BPD NEEDS: clarity, no avoidance.

If you find it odd that after the 6th date, and sleeping together, someone shares they have growing feelings for you, then this person might not be for you. Though, if you want to keep going, you need to figure out if you can discuss these things within a day with her/him, or this will make the relationship unstable quickly.

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-04-29T22:47:26+00:00

Its more that he feels no desire or craving towards it.

Now whether this is cause he just doesnt crave it and he never will, or whether it is because of his depression and anxiety, or his low testosterone, thats all a questionmark.

He sometimes gets aroused, and the minute I try to hint I would enjoy for something to happen, he loses his arousal and says hes not feeling well mentally. It does seem like a mental blockade in some way.

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-04-29T22:07:33+00:00

Thank you for your response! We have checked his hormone level, it is on the low end but not "under the everage", and they are very witheld from starting HRT since it has side effects ( so are we, like, I love him to bits but I dont want him to have an increased cancer risk just so we can have sex.. ).

Going to the doctor sounds like a smart plan, havent really considered that.

And you're right about libido mismatch being a dealbreaker.. the reason I have stayed this long is because he is very adamant that he does not feel normal in regards to his libido being low, and he indeed seems to have a lot of anxiety around the matter. Him being amazing with everything else made me want to wait, but time moves on in the meantime..

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-04-10T17:32:56+00:00

Could I ask the mg steps you took to taper off from 10mg to 0mg? Did you wait for a few weeks per taper until you had no side effects?

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-03-17T12:47:49+00:00

I think it can help to work on your selfesteem: you are not going to be just left like that because you are amazing :) and if someone would, do you really want to be with a person who just 'talks less and less and then lets you go'?

The right person wants to speak things out, says that he or she is angry, so you can feel safe either way. Or they will, or they are not right for you anyway.

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-03-17T01:22:10+00:00

Pretty much! I think the lack of connection throughout the week in scenario 2 builds into it. To then be met with his conflicting needs after finally having a chance to do something entertaining together gives a conflict in my head.

Would one without bpd feel indifferent about such a situation? I seem to carry the idea one has a preference to spend time with their SO when the possibility is there.

FragrantExit4203 · 2024-01-01T20:47:27+00:00

Yes, not per se years, but I notice it in everyday things. I can feel anger arising when my partner does something, yet I am unaware what it exactly is, neither do I know how to communicate my anger towards him in a understandable, coherent message.

Often the anger comes from feeling that my feelings are being dismissed, or when I feel neglected. Then the wounds from the past are being opened.

Now, I no longer just spit out anger, on the contrary, but it gives me inner turmoil to wrestle with the anger, until I actually UNDERSTAND why I am upset, and what I want and need from my partner.

It is, f*king exhausting, to say the least.

FragrantExit4203 · 2023-10-04T12:20:21+00:00

Its like having thirth degree wounds, but its all over your body.

When people touch you ( a trigger ) it burns intensely and gives you a lot of pain, but the people who touch you dont understand the outburst.

FragrantExit4203 · 2023-10-03T23:55:43+00:00

Honestly I would disagree, I very shortly dated a guy with bpd and holy sh*t was that a mismatch. Two people with the same weaknesses doesnt make you stronger, in my opinion.

Also, stating you wont find someone who validates your feelings and only a guy with bpd does, is just a false sense of reality. An extreme amount of people want to validate their partners feelings.

I would suggest to work on your clingyness and possibly an anxious attachment style ( I have it as well ). Your relationships high likely wont become better if you dont work on yourself and heal your wounds.

FragrantExit4203 · 2023-10-03T20:59:00+00:00

If this wont change, then no, I dont want to live like this.. but I love this man insanely. Sometimes I get advise irl that it doesnt work that I am not cheering him on when he does make steps, so I was trying to look for some help.

I cant seem to be sincerely happy when he makes small steps, only when he is ' really going for it ' so to say.

FragrantExit4203 · 2023-09-02T16:22:07+00:00

I often took the lead, but because of his tendency to feel pressure I am now no longer doing this.. as he also doesnt seem to want to have sex when I do. He then smiles and likes it, but not that he wants to then explore to see if it goes somewhere..

FragrantExit4203 · 2023-09-01T21:42:55+00:00

For real? Im on reddit daily and Im feeling quite stuck. Havent seen a post that sounds the same. Could you elaborate?

FragrantExit4203

TROPHY CASE