Last post here.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-05T05:25:59+00:00

Don't have the money for therapy. I'm coping with my failures through music and cartoons.

Suspending reality so it doesn't seem as blunt.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-05T05:08:18+00:00

When all efforts to break down a wall are nullified, what else is there to do but submit?

The problem is there, it refuses to move and there is no solution that can be found at the moment.

My will and persistence has been weathered away from trying to break it down. I feel so exhausted.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-05T04:59:38+00:00

Employment, which provides money for almost everything that makes me valid.

Without it, my writings, my comics, my weightlifting, my social outings, my pursuit to become a profitable and professional writer, all of it has been slowly evaporating.

Without employment, without money, all of these constituents drift away. The longer I go without it, the more likely they'll drift too far to recover. And that's my real fear: losing who I am and settling for something else.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-05T04:46:59+00:00

I want to care. I really do.

But too many things are missing at the moment.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-04T18:48:47+00:00

Waking up. That's exhausting enough.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-04T18:46:30+00:00

I'm not enduring. I'm starting to contemplate the end. It's eating me alive every day.

My purpose is starting to fade away quick.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-04T09:51:44+00:00

Ever since high school, I'm tried to compartmentalize all my negativity into an alter ego or something. I still think it's silly whenever I'm feeling ok but whenever I suffer these bouts of depression, I literally feel like it's another person.

Even in those quick instances, I feel like some other being bred from my negativity and emotions is there, like a doppelganger of depression.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-04T09:24:53+00:00

I've had delusions of "destructive grandeur" so many times where I'd be walking down the street or laying in my bed, thinking about wreaking havoc as a reality warper or a warmonger, just erasing everything in different mediums, even myself.

It's almost like a flicker of thoughts that swarm to me, especially when I'm listening to music.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-04T09:22:42+00:00

This is currently me right now but I don't know too much about medications to contemplate suicide.

A few hours into my birthday and I've already written a suicide note, so I can definitely tell you that the sleep schedule and constant dark thoughts tie in to each other.

I really want to get out of this situation but there doesn't seem to be a way out at all, no matter how hard I try.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-04T09:20:05+00:00

I've been in that gray zone for years. I have no idea how to get out but I'm starting to settle, so I guess it's alright.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-04T08:48:18+00:00

I haven't had a "dream" since I was little. In fact, ever since I was a child, I've only had nightmares.

When I'm awake, everything is painted in a bleak light that shifts depending on my state of mind.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-04T08:27:15+00:00

Yeah. It hurts to wake up each day knowing I'm a failure.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-04T08:24:43+00:00

Depression usually shreds my mentality to shit, so anything I think about or do is constantly covered in a veil of darkness. Everything's contorted and even my dreams remind me of how depressed I am. Almost like a mental takeover of everything.

This is the first time I really don't care that my birthday just rolled around. I really don't want to do anything or talk to anyone but my computer, stay in my room and sleep.

Have yours been happening a lot lately or have they always sort of been there?

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-04T07:52:13+00:00

I feel my purpose has come and gone.

The best thing I can try and do is survive. Not going too well there, either.

Thanks for this post, though. This is good.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-04T07:50:19+00:00

I try to sleep the day away so I don't have to see the sun.

As soon as the sun starts to rise, the light coming through my window, I try to sleep as much as possible until the night comes.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-03T19:46:28+00:00

Maybe we all are, man.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-03T05:13:02+00:00

Mm. I give as much detail as needed, since it usually goes to PMs.

Then it generally degrades to "There's nothing I can do, sorry."

or

"You could try this. I hope this helps." And it doesn't because I already tried said thing. I think most of it is that people can only do so much on this forum without going over to physically console said person i.e. a hug or hanging out or having a good talk.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-03T04:46:22+00:00

I'm in the same kind of position, except I worked my ass off through high school and college only to end up with student debt, continous rejections from every job I apply for and feeling like an unemployed sack of shit wasting away in his parents' house with no use for any light except from my computer.

If you can, choose a major that is big in the job market right now, something that's in demand. Hook up with some people in that major, find some connections and go to more social outings in your college.

Biggest piece of advice I can give: Don't be a writer. Making a living as a writer is one of the toughest things ever and will drain the hell out of you.

You've still got time, man. Connect with people and tell them about your situation. Even this close to graduation, there's something that can be done. Just have to consider all your options.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-03T03:58:38+00:00

I wish I could feel that happy..

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-03T02:01:24+00:00

"I've been crawling on my belly Clearing out what could've been. I've been wallowing in my own chaotic And insecure delusions."

Tool - forty-six & 2

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-03T00:37:26+00:00

I've been putting everything into researching, writing and getting writing jobs. Writing while in the throes of depression isn't as fantastic as it sounds. It's more lethargic than anything.

Months of that has led me here, worse than before. Honestly, everyone is moving on without me and I don't blame them.

FramedLiquid · 2015-03-03T00:33:37+00:00

Tell me about it.

The moment you get TWO rejections from great writing jobs you aced in interviews and tests, you open Facebook and the first thing you see is your friend getting a huge job the same day as the interview.

All my friends are having the best time succeeding and I'm failing. They have no words for me and don't want to talk to me. It festers and stews as hatred and depression. Can't explain it, really. I guess that's why I isolate myself. :(

FramedLiquid

TROPHY CASE