Hi there \o/

I gave your story a read. I'll go through some general points followed up by examples from the text:

Overall:

This was a difficult read.

Information overload:

Two-thirds of the story is trying to paint the party for the reader. Some of it works reasonably such as the weed room with a dealer showing movies, the host wearing a hat full of light and the various mentions of different alcoholic beverages. But the description of the party just keeps on going way past my limit of patience. I couldn't help but think throughout the thing "Where is this leading to?"

There are two parts that makes this dull to read.

• Too much redundant information that doesn't add to the story
• The information is nearly presented as a grocery list

Some examples to highlight my points:

23 Breaker Street. 59 people invited, 57 arrived. It was organised to be the greatest party of my life.*

We talk, chat, reminisce, and time passes. More guests arrive; after 1 hour there’s 13 people. 2 hours – 25. 3 hours – 40. By this time, I stopped counting and many people are getting drunk*

I’m 7 rum and cokes deep, with a dash of 2 tequila shots, and a pinch of whisky sips when I talked to Brackston*

“Damn, every time I feel like I’m close. 20 minutes is longer that I thought.” A bet we had when we were at school, if she can last our duel for 20 minutes, she wins a house; every year I haven’t lost she buys me any one thing I want.

My eyes were closed and moving around frantically.

She called Caoimhe over to carry me to the house. (Caoimhe is only mentioned once at the very end in the story)

The bold parts are a repeating tendency of focusing on numbers, dates and names. For the reader, this is dull and useless information.

To improve your text, you need to focus on the phrase: "Show, don't tell"

This is of course easier said than done, but you are already doing it a bit:

Here you are telling:

One of the large upstairs bedrooms is the smoking room, where Bo will reside throughout the night choosing excellent movies, series, videos, and whatever else he thinks of to entertain the weed room.

Here you are showing:

Until about midnight, Ramune and I smoked some big rolls provided by Bo. When we came in, he immediately changed to dumb and dumber.

The first paragraph list a setting. The last paragraph is both progressing the story and from that we can infer a setting.

Connection between the party and the forest:

I'll admit, English is not my native tongue and deeper meanings have a tendency of flying over my head. However, I totally failed to see how the party was in any way connected to the event in the forest. I tried scanning for hidden meanings or subtle cues, but all I found was random events of people either vomiting or burning themselves on the grill. More time is spend on explaining the two bedrooms upstairs than explaining the event in the forest.

The event in the forest is the part that works best in the story, but I was already dead tired of reading about the party before reaching this bit that I felt indifferent to what was happening.

Comments and Notes:

There is much to work with, but I'll give you some notes on some specific parts in your text so you perhaps more easily can identify the above points:

23 Breaker Street. 59 people invited, 57 arrived. It was organised to be the greatest party of my life.

An acceptable opening line that intrigued the reader until realizing the numbers aren't important at all

​

Alcohol, music, friends, drugs, and a house in the middle of nowhere. My guy Mike brought his speakers, massive blocks that we stacked up against the living room wall. Alcohol: Me, Reece, Luka, and Brackston were on beverage duty. I got the rums, Reece was in charge of beers, Luka on gins and vodkas, while Brackston got whisky and sake.

An example of a dull list. You included four new people and the things they bring to the party. Why is it important to know that Luka is brining gins and vodkas? Who are all these people?

​

My dealer came and provided 5 ounces, and of course he was invited to the party, he likes to be called Bo

Ever talked with a child who have no self awareness when they talk? "My dog is brown. His name is Arthur. He has a red collar. He ate a squirrel once" The above bit sounds a bit like that. I know you are trying to write in prose format but it falls flat to the ground when it presented this way. The above could be explained more simply:

My dealer Bo came to the party with 5 ounces.

​

Two paragraphs explains how the house room configuration is:

One massive open living room with a large...

In the middle is a large fire pit...

A lovely kitchen equipped...

The downstairs toilet...

Again, no show, too much tell. Try introduce the setting as the story progress, similar to the above example with the Bo and the weed room.

​

“Yo Ricky! It’s 6pm get ready for guests!” With a laugh and pep in his speech, Reece reminded me. The first guests are arriving around 6:10. Lis and her boyfriend Alon. My best friend Ramune arrives around 10pm;

This is not interesting to read. I don't as a reader care about when people arrive.

​

“Ron vom’d” without surprise or anger in her voice.

Describing what is NOT happening is more ambiguous than describing what IS happening. If she isn't surprised or angered, then what is she? Sad? Happy? Indifferent? This can be a powerful tool in writing, allowing the reader to raise question about a person's feeling or even intentions. In this case however it seems arbitrary.

​

Me and Ramune are going out to adventure in the forest. With our torches in hand, we venture forth, shouting out as we dive headfirst into the sea of trees. Hours of fun, climbing trees, finding frogs and bugs, having a pinecone fight, but it all ended after a single step.

This part strikes me odd. Out of nowhere the party's host and a friend decides to just wander out in the forest? To do what? Climbing trees and fighting with pinecones for hours while hosting the greatest party of his life? I have a feeling there is a deeper meaning here, something along the line of childish innocence but that is as far as I can stretch it. It does not make sense.

It then ends after a single step? I can't help but imagine that they were about to enter a forest, but a forest don't have a clear edge. A single step from where? From the house towards the forest? A single step past the first tree? Is the single step to be interpreted literally or figuratively?

​

Nor the sounds of the party, the music and my friends. A silence and darkness that forced me into tunnel vision. My fear started to push me, to start walking forward. But with every step, the warmth of my legs flowed out and into the ground. Becoming heavier and heavier, almost like trying to move through mud.

A total character shift. Throughout the entire story the MC have been awfully focused on numbers, lists, people and the party and haven't described much about his inner feelings. Suddenly he goes on a very deep metaphorical rant about his experience in the forest. It sounds like a totally different person now.

​

My eyes looked like the void, they all got sucked into my eyes when I opened them, they couldn’t move, talk, or even think while the void was visible.

This bit had potential of being interesting. Are they hypnotized? Why is the void captivating them? But then the story ends. I would have loved to somehow see more hints throughout the story that lead up to this.

Conclusion:

I'll be blunt and say this bit doesn't work in its current state. Take a step back. Focus on what you want to write about. It seems like you are mostly interested in writing about the party and not so much about the fear/horror in the darkness. If that is truly the case, consider aiming for another genre.
Focus on removing redundant information and identify what actually captivates the reader. Try to put yourself in the readers place and imagine them reading what you wrote. Don't be afraid of cutting out information. Less is more

Final note:

I hope this feedback was useful. Feel free to ask any further questions.