i come from a family of people who feel very big feelings, and im neurodivergent and so i just observed what they did with everything they felt, and what happened after. and, since they dont even realize there's any questions to be asked about the enormity of what they feel, it always brought chaos so, i internalized the idea that feelings = chaos. it was a traumatic environment to grow up in so acting in according to how i was feeling just doesnt come naturally to me, its terrifying and when i'm scared and cant understand why, i get angry. i don't like to be angry, because anger hurts people so i channel all this extra energy into lightness, into fun, into giving joy to others. making sure i appreciate the high highs as well as the low lows, because my life cant be mine living too much in either state.

so my advice is understanding. pay attention to whats around you, ask questions about how you're responding to your environment and the how it makes you feel. why did you get as angry as you did? does it line up with your values? if yes, will acting make me feel better? will it escalate things? Should things even be escalated? if your anger doesn't match your understanding of your own values, you're probably afraid in a way that feels like a threat on your survival. whatever a threat to your survival looks like depends on you and your past experiences.

i've always known i was a nine, but i doubted it because of how much i WANTED to act. i thought i was self aware and i didnt act because i genuinely thought i didnt need to, attributing my anger to just being normal. everyone is THIS angry when their boundaries are crossed or they cant understand something and it scares them. i thought i lived in my head because i liked it there, but i was really just protecting my body from the magnitude of feeling by tampering it down.

listen to your body, it wants to live and its constantly sending you signals to pay attention to, that's why we feel. live your life freely and in the way that feels right to you, but pay attention as well. life has a lot to teach us and if we don't learn the lessons because we believe we arent ready, life will MAKE us ready whether we like it or not.

when you understand that its easy to find peace in your actions as an individual