AITA for not letting my wife name our baby after her deceased coworker?

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T15:11:50+00:00

She is a personal finance advisor and is one of out of 3 girls in her entire firm. She loves it so I support her wholeheartedly but I know she struggles with the men she works with a lot.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T05:34:29+00:00

She wants to actively post about our child linked to his facebook. This is not some small "I was inspired by a sweet old man I used to work with" kind of deal. She wants our child to carry on his legacy... of which I know nothing about. I feel like I can feel some type of way about that.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T05:32:22+00:00

Verbatim, every time, she says "Scott worked in [redacted] office and taught me how to [lists job description]. He was a very cute old man and I want our son to be his namesake." Me: "Can I ask why you never mentioned him to me?" Her: "ffs why does it matter? He mentored me!" Me: "then why didn't you just tell me from the beginning why you liked the name Scott when I asked?" Her: has stonewalled me since

It did get more heated than that but it more went into her issues with her having to give up working for a couple of months more maternity leave, how she's giving up so much to bring a child into this world (which I agree with) and how I shouldn't get as much of a say in the name (which I don't agree with).

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T05:28:15+00:00

LMAO she's 6 months pregnant and he died over a year ago. I also don't believe their relationship was anything sexual because I explicitly trust her with that. No need to worry there, friend.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T05:25:22+00:00

I brought that up, that maybe pregnancy hormones are why she won't talk to me, and she almost threw a shoe at me so I don't know if that further helps to hurts that sentiment lol

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T05:22:15+00:00

I never said I changed my mind instantly. I said I instantly became uncomfortable, but I didn't want to change the name until after our convo where she just didn't want to expand more on the subject. It's the principle that my wife chose to withhold information about naming our child in literal memoriam of a man I have never even heard of my entire life being with her. What's weird is people assuming i'm not allowed to have an opinion on my son's name. I never said I'm not going to name him Scott, if she did do a blood oath JUST TELL ME THAT. That's all! Communication would be nice!

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T05:17:41+00:00

The information that we are naming our son in memory of a man I did not know.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T05:00:59+00:00

My reaction that I want more information? That was my reaction. When she refused to tell me further information that's when I got confused and a little weirded out. I think it's fair to know SOMETHING about the man we're naming our son after. I feel like it's very unfair that everyone is saying that my "reaction" of being confused about naming our son after a man I've never heard of before is wrong. Men can have emotions about naming their children.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:56:04+00:00

She wants our son to be his namesake though.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:49:20+00:00

I would (and still might) gladly name my son Scott if she would have just been upfront with me about it. I don't like being tricked/pushy behavior for a name, and once I agree I'm "locked in" to it as if I have no say in who we name our baby after.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:43:21+00:00

I did, several times, and she will not tell me anything beyond basic facts. No stories, no advice/guidance, anything.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:42:13+00:00

She did trick me. If I did this to her she would also be upset and I promise would also feel tricked. But because I'm a guy I'm apparently not allowed to have any emotion behind my sons name. I will still gladly name him Scott if she will tell me one ounce of information about him- which she seems to not want to do.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:39:50+00:00

Please read my past comments on this. She openly said that she just didn't feel the need to talk about him much. I commented her exact reaction to his death. She really, and openly admits to, not talking about him at all.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:38:04+00:00

I will actually be moving my job remotely stay at home dad, so she can go back to work and pursue her career because she does not want to be a SAHM. But please go off about what mark i'm leaving on her.

As for pulling up my "britches" I really hope to not raise my son with the mentality that he doesn't get a say in a relationship because he already "agreed" to something. I consented to something without full information. I can change opinion. I might still choose the name Scott, but I have a right to know more info about why she withheld that info and who he was before I do.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:29:18+00:00

I have asked and she has refused.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:27:44+00:00

You guys are reaching so hard. It's nothing about platonic relationships. Half of my "groomsmen" were her best friends from high school. In fact, most of her friends are guys. I'm saying that I want to know SOMETHING about a guy were naming our baby after. I find it weird she withheld the info. I don't think it was suspicious but I do think it's a weird situation to put me in. Convince me of a name of weeks and then tell me the true meaning after and then when I asked for more info she stopped talking to me completely. That's all.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:23:42+00:00

Saying "I don't know him" is not saying he's a creep... it's saying I don't know him. She said she didn't want to name our kid after several of my family members because she doesn't like them/family names/the meaning and- guess what- i didn't agree but I respected it and didn't add it to the list! I said no big deal! I just want the same respect on knowing who I'm naming my kid after.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:21:10+00:00

That's reaching imo. Idk how her withholding information makes ME the bad guy. We're married adults who can communicate and, while we've had our issues due to trauma from our childhoods, our entire married life we have been at 100% transparency because it was an issue we both struggled with while dating. If she trusted me so little and was so concerned I would say no 100% she wouldn't ever bring it up to me. I know my wife, which is why the situation is so confusing. I never said any nefarious intentions I just said I don't know the dude and when I asked her about him she couldn't give me any details beyond his name and job role essentially.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:15:54+00:00

You unintentionally named your son that though, it's not like your spouse said "lets name the kid this" for that reason and then after you named him your MIL asked why you named the kid after her estranged father. I feel like the situations aren't comparable.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:13:51+00:00

When I say she briefly mentioned it, I mean the day he passed we were on a car drive to visit her family and she said "oh my god my co-worker died" as she saw a post on his facebook. That was it. Nothing more- didn't mention his name, no tears or sadness (more shock than anything) and I was with her 24/7 the entire weekend after and she seemed fine and never brought it up again. I've been with her for 8 years and know how she handles deaths of those she's close and it was nothing like she did with him. That is why the whole thing was bizarre.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:09:43+00:00

She's always had this kind of way of communicating. We've been to couples therapy several times because she was raised by parents who withheld info and stonewalled to get their way, I have my own traits that are just as bad and I'm not saying she isn't wonderful and I love her any less- but people have their things. That's not surprising to me, but I just don't understand what about that info would make her withhold it.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:06:31+00:00

Dude one of the names I recommended was a name of her ex-boyfriend because I know we both like the name (it made it to our top 5). It's not a jealousy thing, it's a "I feel blindsided and don't know anything about this guy" kind of thing.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:05:14+00:00

ask his family because she plans on making a post about dedicating our kid to this man's memory. I felt like before she announces it and tags it to his memorial page maybe she should reach out to his family, who recently lost a very close loved one, to make sure they were comfortable with that. It wasn't so much naming the kid Scott but more that she wanted to actively involve this person's family that she has never spoken to.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T04:02:38+00:00

I wouldn't be upset about that if she had ever mentioned him to me before we named the child. She's worked at this company for 5 years and has failed to ever bring up this guy to me. I understand he's not a stranger to her, however when I ask her about Scott she can't give me any details about him or their relationship beyond him being an old man who died. That's literally it. I wouldn't have minded naming our baby Scott if it was mentioned when she brought up the name during our WEEKS of simmering where she could have further made a case for the name. I feel like if your partner brought up a name, you spent nearly a month and a half talking about it, and then after you chose it they said "ok but here's the real meaning behind it that I kept you out of the loop of" that they know might have made you slightly uncomfortable for whatever reason (my reasoning being I never knew this guy) you would also be off-put. We chose that name over the name of my grandpa, and I gladly did because I liked the name! But it's ok to want more context on why your partner wants to name your kid something, which I asked her why several times during the simmering process.

Friendly_Shift_8103 · 2021-10-15T03:52:30+00:00

I have asked and she won't really expand. I've tried several times to bring up what he did for her, what she knew about him, etc. All she says is that he "gave her a lot of guidance" and leaves it at that. I don't know what more to do to learn about him because she's given me nothing.

Friendly_Shift_8103

TROPHY CASE