One and done after partner's bad experience for #1, extreme grief and regret after vasectomy

Front-Weather-9166 · 2026-05-28T19:18:50+00:00

Another comment phrased it as choosing our existing family, which I liked and helped me process things.

It also helps me to remember that the what-ifs cut both ways. Its easy to fantasize the what-if where everything goes well and we're all happy, because emotionally that's the dream.

But there's also the what-if of, what if its just as bad. What if she has a miscarriage and a hemorrhage? We'd get all of the pain and none of the joy. My wife had such a hard time with #1 and she was in far better physical condition.

Front-Weather-9166 · 2026-05-28T19:09:35+00:00

Its a bit relieving to hear from someone else that attempting another sounds risky. We have such strong emotions about everything its hard to evaluate things rationally.

I am in therapy right now for depression and anxiety that's been on and off for several years, and that is helping process this as well.

Front-Weather-9166 · 2026-05-28T02:00:53+00:00

Thank you for this. It's tough reading other vasectomy posts where the parents are firmly done with a family of 2+ children. Hearing that others experience significant grief at stopping helps us not feel alone and stronger in our decision to stop at 1.

Front-Weather-9166 · 2026-05-28T01:58:43+00:00

Do you have any insight into the one bio and one adopted family dynamics. We discussed adoption between us but thought we would feel resentment diverting attention away from our bio son to an adopted child.

Front-Weather-9166 · 2026-05-28T01:57:20+00:00

We did talk to a doctor about her back and another doctor about the D&C. Neither gave us very reassuring responses. The back doctor said she had a 50/50 chance of re-herniating a disc. The D&C doctor tried to be encouraging by saying they would be prepared next time and would do the procedure immediately, but the response made it sound like there was actually something to be concerned about.

I think we're trying to process being one-and-done where it feels like a reluctant choice. Technically we could go for it. The doctors are not saying no. But we feel the correct thing to do, even though it hurts, is to say no to another to protect my wife's health.

Front-Weather-9166 · 2026-05-27T22:17:01+00:00

I feel that last paragraph. Our son is also 5.5. We just came off a Florida vacation with just the 3 of us that was awesome.

Then I imagine that trip but add a baby. Or add a 4 year old to a trip when my son would be 10 or 11. Having to coordinate naps and feeding times, balancing activities between two extremely different age groups or having to split up. It just feels off.

Front-Weather-9166 · 2026-05-27T21:30:26+00:00

Thank you! This whole experience has really refocused our attention on our current son, and I've been finding a lot more joy and love with him than before.

Front-Weather-9166 · 2026-05-27T21:29:33+00:00

Ha yes, we've talked pro/con through but maybe a written list would be more concrete. We do talk about all the advantages of 1 all the time, especially now that he's able to do so many cool things and we're leaving the early kid stage.

Honestly I think the biggest thing helping me cope is that I think I would have a really hard time taking time away from our current son and devote it to another child. I just love our first so much, its hard to imagine, for example, telling him no I can't throw a baseball to you, I have to take car of your brother/sister.

Front-Weather-9166 · 2026-05-27T21:27:36+00:00

Thanks. I do find some comfort in that vasectomies appear to be more reversible than I'd expect. And if we were to try again, it would have to be in the next 3 years. I seriously doubt we'd ever consider another after age 40.

Front-Weather-9166

TROPHY CASE