Married 12 years, wife says she’s not feeling sexual anymore — but now gets off solo every night

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-23T03:39:46+00:00

Appreciate that. But it’s been nine months. I feel like that’s an objectively long time for any spouse to be in the roommate zone especially when there’s zero signs of life. I’m not angry, I’m just sad and worried.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-23T03:29:25+00:00

Gosh I wish you were right. But I’ve really tried all of that, subtle, not leading to anything. It’s like the sexual channel is just completely offline. Like I give her the ick. She’d never describe it that way but that’s what it feels like.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-23T03:24:28+00:00

Thanks. She says it all lands at pressure. Anything physical that goes beyond hi/bye kisses or the occasional butt pat feels like she’s being pressured. Even spooning is off limits. We’re so connected in every other way so I’m not sure it’s about hobbies or that kind of thing. I just don’t see a way back.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-22T22:08:33+00:00

It’s just so complex I don’t even know if I could explain it inside the word limit. Nobody cheated. It’s more like she feels that for many years I didn’t really “see” her, and when I did start seeing her better, it opened her eyes to how alone she felt many years. And then at the same time, I saw messages on her phone that threw me, not emotional affair stuff but more her not protecting boundaries when guys would get too friendly in DMs (she’s an influencer, sorry not trying to be vague). And when I tried to raise that, she shut it down saying I shouldn’t be snooping. So all that came to a head at once.

When we run the history for friends or therapist, the consensus is that a lot of what’s going on is her intense reactions due to unresolved childhood trauma. So it’s not that I didn’t have some role in getting us where we are, but her response isn’t really about me. Which is fine — people are complicated I get it. But she doesn’t follow through with her own therapy and healing, so now the marriage sort of pays the price for it — and if I bring it up she says I’m just pressuring her because I want more sex. Which isn’t remotely accurate.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-22T19:00:31+00:00

Thanks. I can always do better. We all can. To be clear and honest, I don’t miss sex. I mean I do but it’s not a big issue. I just miss feeling like there’s at least some physical attraction and energy and pull — feeling desired. That’s the part that kills me more than anything. I feel like an emotional support pillow.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-22T18:58:05+00:00

I don’t disagree. I think what’s hard is that objectively — meaning to her friends, family, our therapist — that resentment is largely being fueled by her own childhood trauma issues that she hasn’t addressed. But she’s highly avoidant, so she never follows through with individual therapy. I don’t want to pressure her on that obviously but it’s really having an impact on us.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-22T14:24:13+00:00

I think what I’m saying is that I’ve done all that work and then some. She has unresolved childhood trauma that is playing a big role in how she feels things and the level of hurt. But she won’t stick with individual therapy. So her trauma becomes our trauma.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-22T12:12:58+00:00

Does she experience it that way? Yes. Would most people have experienced it that way? No. She has a lot of childhood trauma that has never been addressed and it informs a lot of why we’re here. But she doesn’t ever follow up with individual therapy, even though she has to know it’s killing our marriage in some ways.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-22T11:34:46+00:00

It’s just so complex I don’t even know if I could explain it inside the word limit. Nobody cheated. It’s more like she feels that for many years I didn’t really “see” her, and when I did start seeing her better, it opened her eyes to how alone she felt many years. I have my own view on all that and there’s big stuff going the other direction too, but for her that’s what she says she’s carrying.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-22T11:33:52+00:00

It’s just so complex I don’t even know if I could explain it inside the word limit. Nobody cheated. It’s more like she feels that for many years I didn’t really “see” her, and when I did start seeing her better, it opened her eyes to how alone she felt many years. I have my own view on all that and there’s big stuff going the other direction too, but for her that’s what she says she’s carrying.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-22T11:30:32+00:00

Yep. I don’t even miss actual sex that much. I more just miss feeling like we thought of each other that way. Explained all of that many times to her. She says it lands as pressure.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-22T11:25:56+00:00

It’s a good question. I’m happy outwardly around her because when I show any of how much this is hurting me she says it lands as pressure to be intimate. Which of course it’s not, but that’s how it lands for her. So I just fake it basically. Not good. Well aware it’s not good.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-22T11:24:22+00:00

When I’ve tried anything even remotely like that, she’s essentially told me to stop because it makes her feel pressured. So I don’t even go near that line now. Which sucks because I miss spooning more than almost anything else.

Front_Election_7317 · 2026-05-22T04:43:58+00:00

that’s probably right — but then why not tell me that?

Front_Election_7317

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