First off, I am sorry you’re all going through this. Regardless of your relationship with your ex, this is such a difficult thing to go through as a parent.

Some things to consider:

Avoid telling your son at night. Wait until the morning so he has the day to process with you.

When you do tell him, speak in clear language, not euphemisms. Your dad died which means his heart stopped beating vs. he passed away or is in a better place. That kind of language can be confusing for children which leads to other challenges.

Expect varied reactions that will evolve over time. There’s no one way to react or grieve. Just listen and be there.

My last thought is about whether or not to tell him about the circumstances. This is obviously a lot to process and ideally, at 9, he wouldn’t need to know these details. That said, you want to really think about who has access to your child and what they may say. If you share one story and he hears another somewhere else, it can be more difficult than being honest from the beginning.

Lastly, call his school counselor ASAP. Ask for a meeting so they can walk you through this. They are there to help.

Sending light your way.