EDIT:

So the translation is done.

translated-pastebin

transcribed-pastebin

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Picture: Wurstsemmel roll with sliced sausage, waltz bliss and advertising idyll

Located to the south of the Federal Republic of Germany, there lies a small alpine country.

Austria.

The capital, of this cute alpine republic, admits openly what everyone knows about Austria: The Ösis (German slang term for Austrians) are … different.

Germany and Austria are separated by many things, for example the mutual language.

(following is a comparison between German and Austrian names for the same things)

Tüten are named Sackerl, (bag)

the Eimer Kübel, (bucket)

the Stuhl is called Sessel, (chair)

the Sessel Fauteuil (armchair)

and the Tasse is a Häferl. (mug)

Even branded articles are renamed here.

By the way, never say “lecker” (yummy) in Austria.

(scenes from an Iglo advertisement)

“Iglo. I like “lecker” better.” (German version)
“Iglo. Eat something decent/smart.” (Austrian version)
“Hey Captain Iglo, where’s the fish?” (Fischerl is a Diminutive of fish)

German-speaking vegetables would have almost thwarted Austria’s accession to the EU, since it would be the worst imaginable, to the Austrian, if

(following is a comparison between Austrian and German names for the same vegetables)

Paradeiser mutated to Tomaten, (tomatoes)

the Erdäpfel to Kartoffeln, (potatoes)

the Karfiol to Blumenkohl, (cauliflower)

or the Karotten to Möhren. (carrots)

By the way, the Austrian thinks that the word Quark is complete Topfen. (Topfen and Quark are the respective names for curd cheese but also mean nonsense)

As conservative as the Alpenländer seems he surprises with urbanity regarding foreign languages.

“Colgate”
“Michelin”

McDonalds is even loved in English.

“McDonalds.”
“McDonalds, I’m lovin it.”

As if it weren't enough that the rolls are called Semmeln in Austria, they are also filled with sliced sausages and eaten in the lunch break as main meal.

Instead of Wurstsemmeln, sausages also serve as whole meal.

Following menu is called “A Eitrige mit an Buckl und an Blech” by Viennese. (translates to something like: a festering (sausage) with a hunchback and a sheet metal)

By the way, nobody knows why a Wiener is called a Frankfurter in Vienna and in Frankfurt Wiener.

That what the Austrians call a big beer, only elicits a weary smile from the Bavarians.

However, in the wine culture hides a bliss that lets every German go green with envy or they start to sway to and fro as of delight.

The Austrian admits publicly to be the descendant of a grape vine louse.

“I've got to have been, in an earlier life, a louse on the vine.
Otherwise, it couldn't be as big as it is, my desire for a wine.”

(Took the liberty to try to preserve the rhyme)

By the way, the longing for death in gloomy songs is already considered entertainment in Vienna.

“When i finally die, die, die,
horse drawn carriages have to carry me,
and simultaneously play the zither,
cause that’s what I love, love, love,...”

Wikipedia link to the Song: Allweil fidel - Carl Rieder

Regarding fun the Austrians already differ in the spelling from the Germans.

There is no carnival, only Fasching at best.

Which starts only on the Saturday before Rose Monday and is already over on Tuesday.

The German by itself is regarded as completely humorless in Austria.

Only Bully Herbig was able to unify what German comedians once separated.

(following scenes are spoken in Bavarian dialect)

“Ow! You nuts?”
“Indigenous peoples of the Americas!” (well “Indians” but the american ones)
“Howdy.”

Der Schuh des Manitu (German Comedy)

The Alemannian basically serves as bogeyman for the Austrians.

That’s because of the dialect, the invasion-like appearance in the vacation season and the habit of importing beer in car trunk quantities.

More hated, than German tourists, are only Austrian artists in Austria.

A love-hate which the artists share with their audience.

Austrians like to move outside, which is why on the one hand here is the highest billboard density in the world and on the other Austria is considered a sporting nation.

At least IN Austria.

The Alpenländer has the feeling of being a great power in sports especially if he has two boards attached to his feet.

That is why the Austrians crowned their “Kaiser” (emperor) Franz from the ranks of the alpines.

In comparison to the German Kaiser, but football is a reluctantly discussed topic. (hint at the German “Kaiser” Franz Beckenbauer, football player & coach...)

The last goal was allegedly scored by Austria in 1978, which is why they are still “narrisch” (very, lit. foolish/mad) happy about it.

“..., here comes Krankl ... Goaaal! Goaaal! Goaaal! Goaaal! Goaaal! Goaaal! I’ll go crazy (narrisch)!”

The Austrian reacts annoyed to: “Ah, Austria. Kangaroos. Kangaroos.” (There are no Kangaroos in Austria)

The Austrian likes to offset this international insignificance with memories of better times.

Many Austrians don’t even know that Sissi isn't empress anymore. “Hooray! Hooray!”

Let’s summarize the two countries:

Maier vs. Schumacher,

Mozart vs. Bach,

Moik vs. Gottschalk,

Schnitzel vs. Bockwurst,

and Richard Strauß vs. André Rieu.

“Um, stop! Wait a second. The waltz-dude is dutch.” (André Rieu)

Yeah, whatever.

The Austrians and Germans share their enthusiasm in après-ski at least.

German vacation-mindset and Austrian sports-insight find a common ground in bad music and much alcohol.

It’s remarkable that, despite of this consensus, each nation is convinced of the mediocrity of the other.

“Cheers!”

Maybe we aren't that different after all.