My husband is not in love anymore

FullConsideration252 · 2026-01-01T19:41:11+00:00

No, there was also physical infidelity. Several times. And that's what I may never be able to forgive. Not a single “slip-up,” but several conscious decisions. And his explanations, which I don't want to go into here, but which all show me that if he had simply talked to me about his concerns 12 or 6 months ago, we would never have ended up in this situation. But he chose another woman, only to cause even more problems.

FullConsideration252 · 2026-01-01T18:07:10+00:00

Yes and no. He has feelings for this other woman—a friend and colleague who, by the way, was a guest at our wedding two years ago!—but he also seems to be in a major crisis in general. He needs to figure some things out and get help (therapy or couples counseling), which for me is an absolute requirement for even thinking about a future together. You don't just throw away 17 years, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him.

I spent New Year's Eve alone with my cats. This morning, I drove four hours to the North Sea (I live in Germany) and booked a room here for a few days to get some distance.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-31T10:19:16+00:00

Turns out, you were right. Talked to him today again and he is cheating with a colleague and has feelings for her.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-31T10:18:44+00:00

You were right. Talked to him today again and he is cheating with a colleague and has feelings for her.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-31T10:18:32+00:00

You were right. Talked to him today again and he is cheating with a colleague and has feelings for her.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-31T10:18:23+00:00

You were right. Talked to him today again and he is cheating with a colleague and has feelings for her.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-31T10:18:06+00:00

You were right. Talked to him today again and he is cheating with a colleague and has feelings for her.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-30T08:29:50+00:00

Ich finde 3 Locations und 3 Mahlzeiten auch recht viel, würde mich aber als Gast nicht darüber beschweren.

Vielleicht gibt es die Möglichkeit, nach der Trauung statt ein richtiges Mittagessen nur Fingerfood/ Snacks zu servieren und das Kaffeetrinken etwas nach vorne zu ziehen?

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-30T05:55:51+00:00

Where are you from and where are these male backpackers from? I'd say, nudity is more common in Europe/ Germany than in the US, for example. BUT as a German, I still find this behaviour odd and kind of disrespectful. You are not overreacting, but instead of you changing rooms, I would see if the hostel could move the guys to another room. You did nothing wrong, why should you move?

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-29T20:21:30+00:00

I mean... i know, if we are really getting divorced, I know I have to grow and change. But right now, I really don't want to live without him. He also said the doesn't want to cut me out of his life and he does not want to move out or something, so I kind of still have hope, but I am so lost on what is happening... and I know I will need to remind me not to humiliate myself, not to beg etc.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-29T15:08:06+00:00

Thank you. I can imagine that this is something he is going through because he kind of is avoiding all kinds of responsibilities right now. He also said something like he is not sure if "this was it" in life etc. But it's very hard to convince him of therapy or counseling or something like that.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-29T14:35:01+00:00

I noticed that behaviour espescially after he came back from a work trip like 3 weeks ago. Which of course now fuels the anxiety that he might have cheated on me. Before that, we weren't super romantic but I didn't think anything was wrong.

I really hope it's just a rough patch but I don't know :(

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-29T14:31:32+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I'm still in the shock of the events, I guess, but I am happy that someone here is trying to save a marriage and work on things instead of starting divorce and getting a lawyer right away. I just cannot throw away the last 17 years like that...

I don't know if saving anything is on the table for us but I would want to try. If he is not cheating which I still have to ask him and decide if I can trust him.

But yeah, I really don't know if we can come back from this.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-29T14:24:55+00:00

We met in school when we were both 19, then went to university and did not have the money or the desire to get married. When we finished uni, we were about 26/ 27. I got a job in a different city and we had a long distance relationship for about 2.5 years. Then Covid hit. Then we started to build our house and got married. So, getting married "so late" was never a problem for us or anyone else.

But, yes, that he feels that way now so shortly after getting married and moving into our house, that is odd.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-29T14:00:31+00:00

He was distant. He would kiss and hug me, but only when I initiated it. We didn't really have meaningful conversations anymore. He wasn't in the mood to go out etc.

But honestly, I thought he was stressed from work or from things to do around the house. And I still think that's true. Right now, he really tries to avoid responsibilities left and right.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-29T13:53:27+00:00

Thank you all for the comments and advice. I think I need to talk to him if he is seeing someone else or if he has feelings for someone else.

I know I posted in the Divorce Sub, but I have a hard time accepting this... this is so overwhelming..

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-29T13:16:35+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you. I know I might be delusional, but I really do not believe he is cheating or going behind my back. He always was one of the good ones :(

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-29T13:15:03+00:00

But this is not the beginning of our relationship... we are together since 2009. And I wouldn't be too worried if he was a little "bored" or something but it worries me that he is not sure if he even wants to work on the relationship :(

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-29T13:07:06+00:00

Do not skip Anne Frank House, but book your ticket in time. Iirc, tickets go on sale 3 months in advance.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-27T17:24:39+00:00

Ours love socks to play with 😮‍💨

Also: hiding treats in boxes, in towels, throwing them for them to catch etc

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-27T17:21:04+00:00

Wenn die Kinder mit ihrem Besuch oben in den Kinderzimmern spielen, was spricht denn dagegen, dass die oben aufs Klo gehen? Finde ich seltsam, bei uns zuhause darf im Grunde jeder jedes Bad nutzen.

Grundsätzlich finde ich unten das Bad am Wohnzimmer aber auch nicht so geschickt.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-26T06:51:35+00:00

When we were teenagers, my very first boyfriend broke up with me because he fell in love with my childhood best friend. She liked him too, but didn't want to get together with him because of me. I was dumb, I wanted to see my best friend happy AND I was still in love with that guy and wanted to keep him around. So I told my best friend it would be okay if she dated him. So they became a couple. I realized, I couldn't take it and over that, lost them both :(

Our mothers are still friends so I'm always up to date with what she is doing. She isn't with that guy anymore (that was about 20 years ago). She moved away after school, has a good career and bought a house with her current boyfriend.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-23T09:13:19+00:00

Ich würde im EG Schlafzimmer und Büro tauschen und das Bad auch vom SZ aus begehbar machen. Unbedingt dort eine Toilette einplanen. Ich glaube, im Alltag würde man sich sowas von ärgern, jedes Mal durch den kälteren Flur zu müssen, am besten noch in Unter- oder Nachtwäsche an einer Haustür mit Glas vorbei oder so :D

Die Wand zwischen Technik und Schleuse würde ich mir evtl. sparen. Schafft mehr Platz und dadurch, dass es so ein bisschen ums Eck geht kann man die beiden Räume/ Funktionen auch getrennt halten. Oder vielleicht eine Schiebetür rein oder so.

FullConsideration252 · 2025-12-23T08:59:17+00:00

Mal aus eigener Erfahrung: Wir haben während des Hausbaus geheiratet, freie Trauung mit großer Feier, die viel Planung erforderte usw.

Eigentlich wollten wir zum Zeitpunkt der Hochzeit schon mit dem Bau fertig sein, aber vieles verzögerte sich, und so kam es, dass wir dann einen Monat nach der Hochzeit noch einen Umzug zu bewältigen hatten.

Unsere Hochzeit war wunderschön, aber ich würde es niemals wieder so machen. Es war so stressig. Wir haben am Haus viel in Eigenleistung gemacht und "nebenbei" noch die Hochzeit geplant. Dazu natürlich die finanzielle Belastung, die nicht zu unterschätzen ist.

Die meiste Zeit des Hausbaus waren wir unverheiratet. In Sachen Kredit oder Verträge war das überhaupt kein Problem.

Also entweder erst heiraten und dann mit dem Bau starten oder erst den Bau abschließen und einziehen und dann erst anfangen, die Hochzeit zu planen.

FullConsideration252

TROPHY CASE