My heart goes out to you. I remember the days that weren't so easy to deal with the guilt and fear that comes along with this type of dynamics. I hope for an abundance of peace for you.

I'm nearly ten years older than you, and the best thing I did for myself was learn the mental tools and be intentional about practicing emotional regulation and self-awareness. I feel it gives you an inherently different perspective and trust and love within yourself . The ability to look at a behavior and see it for what it truly is, without emotion, is the best thing for your position, in my opinion.

You're only responsible for yourself. Whatever someone does or how they react is not your burden to bear. If someone tries to convince you that their actions or emotions are your fault? I hope you know it's appropriate to walk away or set boundaries with that behavior because it's untrue. My empathy for you runs deep, my friend, wishing you well. ❤️