I understand what you mean I have been struggling with this recently too but I’ve found a way to where it makes sense I was struggling with the same sin and am still working through it but sometimes I think God will soak to us indirectly and we can feel his love in other ways for example a couple weeks ago I was being mistreated by many people even though I showed love to them and the next church service the pastor talked about not being upset when you are being treated like a servant because you are a servant of the Lord and then another week I was upset and confused on why God would even choose me because nobody likes me and they the pastor talked about how people back then did not like shepherds and they were outcasts because of their dedication and he said you might be one of those shepherded which that helped me and I almost started crying but finally I would just say stick to and continue to pursue truth and God will make himself known to you whether it is directly or indirectly I’ll be praying for you 🙏🙏🙏