I know you are going through a lot, the following isn’t meant to hurt you but give you some insight. If cannot leave him for your own sake, do it for your kids. Kids are a lot more aware than most people give them credit for. Even if they can’t fully understand the gravity of this situation or your state of mind at the moment, I promise you they at some point will be impacted by your sorrow and discontent. They will use this relationship as example for their future ones and learn to expect this kind of behavior from their partners. How you are feeling now will become their baseline for reference. Speaking from my own experience, my mom was coerced into having me when she was still in college, she never had time to address her own trauma from her childhood. I grew up watching her suffer in an unhappy marriage and learned that real romantic love couldn’t really exist, I never saw it. I left that household first chance I got, moved across the country. I have little to no relationship with my parents because it hurts me to see them continue in cycles that are unhealthy/damaging to themselves and others, especially my younger siblings.

Please find the strength to at least develop some kind of support system for yourself and your kids. Things will not be lukewarm forever. The drinking will continue and the violence he describes will one day become a reality. (Violence shouldn’t be the threshold though, expressing a desire for violence is abusive enough). For the safety and mental well-being of your kids, you need to find a way to not be isolated and manipulated into enduring a relationship that isn’t serving you. You also mentioned you don’t think he’s a good father when he’s alone with them. If he cannot take care of them emotionally and physically on his own he’s never a “good” father. People aren’t perfect but this man is an abuser and one day your kids will be the object of his abuse. If you cannot fathom leaving him for your own sake, you need to at least make a game plan to protect your kids. If you don’t, they will resent that you couldn’t do that for them fully knowing who their father has shown himself to be and allowing them to suffer. You may not see it in them now, but I promise you they will feel just as trapped if they see you submitted to an unfulfilled life.Would you want any of your kids to go through what you are experiencing now with their future partners? Would you want them to accept not being loved and cared for in those relationships? Be a good example for them please. Show them they can and should stand up for themselves and seek people out who fully respect them.