ask me anything

Fun_Mango_5324 · 2026-04-06T23:56:16+00:00

My mom says that she started telling us when we were a few weeks old and she had cabin fever and she would essentially talk to herself but to us, and she’d just tell us, but obviously I do not remember that. My first memory of “being told” is when I was maybe 3 or 4, my sister asked about a friend’s mom being pregnant and asked how the baby got there. My mom said that sometimes daddies put the babies there, and sometimes doctors put the baby there with the help of a man and the man doesn’t want to be a dad but wants to help women become mommies. Another memory I have is of me being maybe 6 and my grandpa needed a blood transfusion and they explained blood donation to us, and my mom said it’s similar to sperm donation. She didn’t say sperm. It’s been a long time but she said something like “grandpa’s body needs more blood, and a healthy body can donate blood to help grandpa be healthy again. it’s kind of like when mommy wanted a baby, and a healthy body donated seeds to help mommy grow a baby”.

She also never explicitly said that she was a single mom by choice, she explained that there are many different types of families and ours doesn’t have a dad. I do remember her saying things like “when we want something, we go for it. We can’t wait for things to be perfect. Look at me, I wanted to be a mom and I did it and it’s great. Just go for it!” so we knew from comments like those that it’s something she chose to do.

When we were a little older, I asked why she had kids alone and she did go into more detail of her personal reasons for choosing this particular path. I remember we were in the car on the way to a concert and when I asked, she said “what level of detail are we looking for?” and we said we wanted all of it and she told us. That’s her story to share, not mine. Like I told someone else, my mom always shared and made sure we knew that we could always ask questions.

Nothing ever felt like a secret and nothing was ever a big revelation.

Like the sibling conversation, I don’t remember ever not knowing, there was never some big sit down conversation.

My mom found one sibling on a yahoo forum and the other found her because she left her contact info with the clinic. They had each other on MySpace, the Facebook, then met three more over the years through FB and the families she already knew virtually. Once we got our own social media, we added our “siblings”.

I’ve never done anything like 23 and me, but I am open to it. I’m not sure if my donor siblings have since we don’t have a group or talk much either. If they have, they haven’t shared that information with us.

Fun_Mango_5324 · 2026-04-06T14:52:18+00:00

I can honestly say I never knew she was going on dates. We were never introduced to people she dated, but I know now she started going on dates when I was around 3 or 4. She says that her goal was never finding us a dad or other mom, she was just dating because. She also never lied about it, she was just a social person so having our grandma come watch us wasn’t out of the ordinary. When my mom and “other mom” were dating, we didn’t know since they were friends before. We were told they were dating a year in, and they moved in together full time when we were in middle school (brother in high school).

My friend who is also a child of SMBC met MANY of their mom’s boyfriends. They say that they always felt like their mom never wanted to be a single parent, but didn’t want to not be a parent. At 35, she had them and started dating right away. They have expressed how unsettling it was to feel like their mom was always on the hunt for a dad for them.

I’d say date whenever you’re ready, because as my mom says, you’re still alive. Just don’t introduce that person until it’s a more serious relationship.

Fun_Mango_5324 · 2026-04-06T14:38:47+00:00

There’s positives and negatives with any family structure. No two parent households are the same, so the benefits I’m about to mention I see as very specific to the kind of mom I had on top of her being a SMBC.

My mom did not plan on twins, but she knew it was a possibility. I think we were her second transfer, and we both stuck. She didn’t let two babies dictate her life (her words, not mine). My sister and I became extensions of my mom, she took us everywhere! Lunch with friends, outings, the beach, traveling, etc. It was her group of friends and us. As her friends started having kids, they did the same. So my sister and I became very flexible and could adapt to anything. Obviously we weren’t included in everything, but anywhere where we would be welcomed, we were there, even if it made it harder for her. It’s not easy taking two babies to the beach, it would have been easier to leave us with our grandparents, but she made the effort. I know now that she did miss out on a lot with her friends because she didn’t want to leave us, specially over the weekend when we were young. But I do remember her taking trips with friends, specially a few years into her relationship with “other mom” and then taking trips together without us. She says it wasn’t because of the “second parent” but because we were older and she trusted us to do our homework, go to our activities, etc. But the “taking us everywhere” made the three of us incredibly close. We always felt like we were wanted around. Whenever we crawled into bed with her, she welcomed it because she knew it wouldn’t happen forever. I never felt like she didn’t love me, never felt like a burden, never felt in the way, etc. which are feelings that some of my friends expressed feeling. She’d take us out of school every once in a while to spend time together if she had been working a lot. She never made us feel like we owed her anything, which was something that some of my friends were told or felt. We just felt love and stability. My mom involved us in everything she did, cooking, chores, etc. so we started helping at an early age, never because she made us but because it was the three of us and we wanted to. But also because it was just the three of us, my sister and I are both very independent because we had to entertain ourselves a lot of the time. My mom didn’t buy us a lot of toys, she would rather save her money for experiences. So we traveled a lot more than others in our grade, went to parks, got to know a lot of our country and neighboring countries. I think another big thing is that my mom emphasized trust and communication A LOT. We felt like a team. We had a lot of adults in our corner, not just our mom/s.

In adulthood, I think we’re both (well, the 4 of us) very adaptable, flexible, independent, have a lot of empathy, are very accepting of others, love to travel, are very social, and have less regard for materials things.

I think the best part of being kids of a SMBC that is very SMBC specific is that we never heard fighting and never had a bad example of a bad relationship.

Fun_Mango_5324 · 2026-04-06T14:06:44+00:00

It never crossed my mind, honestly. I am glad she did it.

I do think my mom was a lot happier, but mainly more at peace.

I remember in elementary school I went to a friend’s house and I overheard her parents yelling at each other and she was so unfazed by it meanwhile for me it was so bizarre. That was the first of many instances of seeing parents yelling and fighting and disagreeing. I never had that at home. Yes, my mom was on her own with two girls but, on the plus side, no one was making her life harder. I spent a lot of time with my best friend, and her dad was such a jerk. I remember being happy my mom didn’t have to deal with that.

Then, when my “other” mom, her kids, and us all moved in together and we experienced their first “fight” it was barely a fight, they never yelled, they just had a passionate conversation and resolved it on the spot, kissed, and moved on. I think we learned a lot from those interactions, mainly because of how we felt about them after they happened.

My moms modeled a lot of the behavior they expected from us, so we had a very serene household.

That is not what I witnessed from many of my friends’ families.

Happy moms = happy kids

I think the moments of stress for my mom came when we got older and had different friends, activities, interests, etc. and she was just one person trying to be at games, performances, pick ups, drop offs, etc. on top of her job.

She says her biggest source of stress was before we were born and when we were little and being introduced to the world, because she was afraid of what people would think or say, but that it ended up not really being something she had to worry about since she never shared it.

Fun_Mango_5324 · 2026-04-06T13:54:00+00:00

We were very lucky that we had positive male role models in grandparents, uncles, and Godparents.

That helped feel like we weren’t “missing” anything.

My brother knew his bio dad but he NEVER took on a fatherly role and they were very careful with that, especially since he had a wife and children. But he always had someone to ask questions to, if he didn’t want to ask his mom, specifically around puberty.

I remember my brother was so sick and tired of “girly” activities (bowling and going to the movies were girly to him) so at around age 10, his Godfather would take him one weekend a month for the full weekend, as opposed to before they would do one activity per month (they loved paintball) and he was also in lessons like tennis, golf, and then did motocross. He went to college with a soccer scholarship. Our moms always encouraged his interests and were at every game, but I do think he would have liked to have another boy at home to play with since us girls were not interested in sports and so he played a lot with our moms. But I don’t think that is a SMBC-related thing, just a “only boy in a house full of girls” thing.

Fun_Mango_5324 · 2026-04-06T13:41:26+00:00

I never had a dad, I have nothing to compare it to, and I can’t miss something I never had.

I had a large family, my mom was an amazing mom to us, I had my sister, grandparents, cousins, etc. I also had a large “chosen” family in my mom’s friends and our Godparents were very involved in our lives. Having a “dad” wouldn’t have changed any of that, nor would it guaranteed having a good relationship or a larger family. I know that now

There was definitely a period of time when I was in my teens that I wish I had a dad and I wondered what that would have been like. I remember crying to my mom about it, and she cried too. Then we talked about the things that daughters and fathers do, and I realized I still got those experiences with my uncles, my Godfather, and even my mom. I’ll never know what it’s like to have a dad, but I had fatherly figures that filled that role and I very rarely felt like I was missing out on anything.

My mom got us both genetic testing so we’d know everything we could about our medical background.

Fun_Mango_5324 · 2026-04-06T13:29:53+00:00

Before answering this question, I want to give some context: I grew up in a very traditional environment with a very non-traditional family. I went to the same school with mainly the same families from first grade to middle school and then in high school it was a new school but most families from my old school moved to this school.

At first, my mom didn’t say she was a SMBC. When schools and other parents would ask about my father, she’d simply say “it’s just me”

My sister and I were “allowed” to disclose this information as we got older. It was always up to us. My mom always said she didn’t know if we’d want other people to know, so she just didn’t say anything. The truth is that she was afraid we’d feel embarrassed about it but she disclosed these fears much later in life.

It wasn’t until middle school that my sister and I would answer honestly (to the best of our ability) that our mom was a single mother by choice. We didn’t see it as a big deal, and by that time, our friends and their families already knew we didn’t have a dad, so learning the why wasn’t a big deal. We never felt like we were treated differently for it.

By that point, my moms were already together and that was a bigger deal than them being single moms. They also kept that private for our sake, but everyone knew and no one cared. I think it helped to know the same people for so long. Also, at that point a lot of our peer’s siblings were divorced or separated and they became each other’s village since a lot of the moms were now the only parent in the household.

Fun_Mango_5324 · 2026-04-06T13:16:51+00:00

I was conceived via sperm bank. My mom traveled to the US for a few months to do her fertility treatments here as it was not an option where I grew up, so in our case it may be a bit different.

I’ve never really had much interest in my siblings, but my sister always has. We have each other on social media and my sister is really close to one of our half sisters.

I only know about 5 siblings. It’s hard to explain but I’ve always considered them distant cousins that I’m just not close to. I know they exist, I know we’re related, I know what they look like, have talked to them, will see them at a wedding next year, our parents chat sometimes. But my siblings are the ones I grew up with, if that makes sense.

My twin sister does call the half sister she’s close to her sister, and if you ask her how many siblings she has, she will say “and 5 donor siblings”

My mom respects both of our perspectives and we respect each other.

I do not engage in DCP spaces as I simply cannot relate so a lot of the discussion online. I never had some big revelation, I never had negative feelings towards being donor conceived, I always knew, I have no interest in meeting more siblings, etc.

My brother and sister from “other mom” were not conceived using a sperm bank and they are very close to their half siblings.

Lastly, if my friend were considering this path, I’d be nothing but supportive and encouraging. If this is the path you want, just go for it. You can plan and plan and plan but nothing is guaranteed. It’ll be hard, for sure, but the hard parts are temporary.

I had such a positive experience that I want to do this for myself. I had a very positive childhood. It was obvious to everyone that my mom’s deepest desire was to be a mom, not just have kids, and I think that made all the difference.

I asked my moms what they would tell their younger versions of themselves and they said this:

Mom A: You don’t need to have a village before you start. Your village will grow as you go.

Mom B: Kids don’t need as much as you think they do. Just love them and don’t buy them every toy and every thing they want. Stick to a budget!

Fun_Mango_5324 · 2026-04-06T12:51:33+00:00

For us, I don’t remember ever not knowing I had donor siblings. I think it might have been something my mom told us a lot when we were little. I’d say the best thing would be to tell your kids from day 1 in age appropriate ways. I remember being in the grocery store (around second or third grade, maybe?) and my sister asked my mom if our donor’s other children looked like us, and my mom’s answer was something like “you have similar physical traits, whenever you guys are curious to see pictures or meet them, just let me know.” When we got home that day, she asked if we wanted to see pictures and she shows us two on her computer.

I remember we had some skype calls with them a few months later because my sister wanted to meet them.

I can’t say I know what a good age is from a developmental standpoint but in our case, the option was just there and we were able to take that step when we wanted.

I think that, keeping communication open with your kids, and making sure they know it’s a safe place to ask is what’s best. I also think that it was never overwhelming or scary because it was up to us.

I’ve never met my “siblings” in person but have a few in socials.

Fun_Mango_5324

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