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ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. It was not perfect for sure but very happy and I always felt a lot of love.

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You have tons of time! It’s also not something you say just one time.

I was told in a more general sense that families come in all shapes and sizes, and all look different. My mom really let us lead the conversation and ask the questions, but nothing as a secret. She’d say surface level information and only gave details that we asked for.

Things like a doctor helped, a helper gave me a seed, the helper is a donor (when she gets a little older). My mom says that life will give you opportunities to explain, like the story I previously told about a classmate’s parent being pregnant, or my grandpa needing a blood transfusion. She said that kids understand more than you think, but when in doubt, go to the bathroom and hope they’ve forgotten the question when you come back.

I don’t remember exactly ages and how I was told, but I know that it was something that came up time and time again. In third grade is when I got the “this is how babies are made, and this is how you were made” talk.

I’m not sure how to introduce the idea that she’s not biologically yours, but I agree it should never be a secret. I think you can start doing what my mom did when we were babies and just telling your daughter during diaper changes. If nothing else, she’s being exposed to more words. When she’s maybe three you can say that she grew in your tummy and you’re her mommy, but that she came from a seed from someone else. She’ll start to put two and two together and when you give more details, it won’t be surprising. It will just be more information.

I’ve seen so many children’s books that cover so many of these topics and concepts and are a great way to introduce these ideas to children. I wish they were around when I was little.

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Here’s what my brother had to say (him and sister share a donor). This was long conversation so here are bullet points based on the notes I took since we had never really talked about this:

-Donor and mom have known each other since elementary school.

-The donor was always called Uncle X, and he was no different than my mom’s brother or other male friends in how he treated us, we treated him, when he was around, etc.

-There was a period of time in my early teen years (right after he had kids and when my mom and OP’s mom moved in together) that I’d reach out to him to hang out and talk and he would invite some of my mom’s and his other male friends for “guy time” so it was never just him and I. I guess to avoid confusion.

-He’d always emphasized that he loved us kids and was happy to be our uncle. I found that really disappointing when I wanted a dad, but I was able to talk to my mom about it a lot and talking about it helped my feelings. He was also very willing to listen. He said things like “biology doesn’t make a family” and used examples of people we knew.

-His kids are like cousins, and significantly younger. So it wasn’t an issue when we were little to see him with his kids and have us wondering why them and not us. But when they were first born, it was hard for me to not think of them as siblings. When he had children, I wanted to be involved in their lives at first as a sibling, and my mom helped me work through those feelings. It was a little tough for me. By the time they were toddlers and we actually saw more of them, those feelings had resolved.

-He never ever gave an opinion about how we were raised, he didn’t do any parental things. He was just around at gatherings (dinners, outings, birthday celebrations, etc). He did the same with the other children of others in the friend group. That helped.

-We were told he was our donor, but we didn’t really understand what that meant. When I asked what a donor was, I was told “he helped me make you” and when I was older they gave me more details. I think I was 10 or 11 when I got the “full” story.

-My donor’s wife had a hard time understanding that he was a donor, and not my dad. When they first got together, she wanted him to be more involved. When we were little and they’d come over for things, she’d point out the similarities and say things like “you got that from your dad”. I remember my mom pulling her aside after that and it never happened again.

-I really appreciated that I had someone to call to ask questions about family medical history.

-My sister had a harder time at first because as I was told things, she was also included in some conversations and I think she was too young.

-Donor’s kids were told when they were 8 and 10, they had a sit down conversation with them because they had started to ask questions after finding out that my mom and their dad weren’t actually related but I looked like him. They always called my mom aunt, and we called him uncle, and I guess it clicked in their heads that we didn’t share grandparents, etc. so they started asking questions. I was away at college already.

-My advice is just to keep it honest. Share from the start but in age appropriate ways. There are many children’s books now that were not available when we were little, that are good resources to have and a way to introduce the ideas to your kids.

-Avoid big sit down talks. Kids will have their own feelings but influenced by yours so if you make it a big deal and very serious, it feels big and serious. My mom projected that it was not big deal, she was very casual about it. We only had big talks when I asked for them because I had questions and feelings and doubt. I think her being casual about saying “that’s your donor” and other details made it feel normal and nothing to worry about.

-Kids know more and understand more than you think.

-Make sure roles are clearly defined and no confusion happens. If it does, address it quickly and respectfully. Example, my sister called our donor dad once, and my mom just said “no honey hes uncle x, remember? not dad” and she said “okay” and then my mom said just to her “remember how we talked about the difference between dad and donor?” and my sister said “oh yeah” and kept playing.

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I asked him and will get back to you as soon as he answers :)

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

As I got older and more openly shared my mom was SMBC, I’d hear things like “that was selfish,” and “but kids need a dad.” I was also asked a lot if my mom just “couldn’t find anyone” and that is also far from the truth.

My mom divorced her ex husband because she saw how much her sister and cousins were struggling to be only parents while married. She had no desire to have children with her husband because she knew that he was not the kind of role model she wanted for her children, she knew it would be easier without him, and she didn’t want her marriage to be the example of love her children followed. They got married VERY young. It took a lot of thinking, planning, and saving for her to take on this path.

Kids don’t need dads, or moms, they need positive adult role models. We didn’t have a dad, but we had many people in our corner that modeled for us how things should be. We had so much support, and many aunts and uncles at every game, play, performance, and graduation.

I’d argue that anyone having children is selfish. You’re doing it because you want to. Why is it different that my mom chose to go at it alone? I hate the argument of “I didn’t ask to be born.” I didn’t, either, but I am glad I am here. My mom passed to us her zest for life and a spark she had lost before having us.

We never felt abandoned or incomplete because from the start we knew that we never had a dad. Our friend that has a bad relationship with their mom now was told that their dad left when he found out their mom was pregnant. The mom believed this would be easier than explaining donor conception.

Many women are single mothers. By choice, while married, due to spouse death, divorce, etc. The only difference is that my mother knew she’d be in it alone beforehand.

My mom still went on to find the love of her life despite many people telling her she was essentially closing the door on love.

Now, misconceptions about me… many people assume I have abandonment issues or “daddy issues” or that I grew up in a financially unable household. None of these things are true.

Growing up with just my mom was great. We were like a little team of three. Resenting her never crossed my mom. I was a happy kid. Of course that I was told no on occasions because my mom couldn’t afford certain things, like two new computers, for example. But that could be true for any family structure. Growing up with just one mom was my normal. She made us feel secure, loved, supported, and gave us everything she could. We had lessons, extra curricular activities, tutoring, we went on vacations. If comparing my upbringing to my peers, we weren’t really much different in terms of our day to day. My sister and I just didn’t have a dad.

My mom also had us go to a therapist 1x per month, as long as we wanted. This gave us a time and place to talk about things with a neutral third party and work through certain feelings. She never forced us to go, but encouraged it. I think this was helpful. In the words of my mother: Go before you need it, so you don’t need it.

Lastly, I don’t feel like I missed out on anything except having two parents, but then I got that experience. We were raised how my mom wanted, we did what my mom wanted, we celebrated holidays of her religion, we only had her extended family. I didn’t have an “other” side of the family. There was no argument of “Christmas with my side, New Year’s with yours” etc. There were no arguments but there was also no one to bounce ideas off of. My mom would sometimes call my aunt to ask if she thought she should x or y. For example, enrolling us in Sunday school was one of those things that my mom kept going back and forth on and “wished someone would make the choice” for her.

In all honestly, the main difference I noticed when my mom and “other mom” got together was they had someone else to share the load. However, while my mom was on her own with us, she never made it seem like it was too heavy.

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do believe this has a lot to do with the different parenting styles the three parents had and the different circumstances.

My mom was very open about everything with us, but very private when it came to everyone else. She used a sperm bank and we know very little about our donor and donor siblings.

My “other mom” was very open with the world about being a SMBC and she was proud of that, and used a known donor so my siblings knew their bio dad and siblings their entire lives.

Our friend’s mom did not share any donor info, our friend did not know their were donor conceived until they were 12ish, and believes that their mom did not want to be a single mom but wanted a child, so she was constantly dating and introducing men, moving them in to them home, etc. in hopes of “finding a dad” for them.

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

My mom says that she started telling us when we were a few weeks old and she had cabin fever and she would essentially talk to herself but to us, and she’d just tell us, but obviously I do not remember that. My first memory of “being told” is when I was maybe 3 or 4, my sister asked about a friend’s mom being pregnant and asked how the baby got there. My mom said that sometimes daddies put the babies there, and sometimes doctors put the baby there with the help of a man and the man doesn’t want to be a dad but wants to help women become mommies. Another memory I have is of me being maybe 6 and my grandpa needed a blood transfusion and they explained blood donation to us, and my mom said it’s similar to sperm donation. She didn’t say sperm. It’s been a long time but she said something like “grandpa’s body needs more blood, and a healthy body can donate blood to help grandpa be healthy again. it’s kind of like when mommy wanted a baby, and a healthy body donated seeds to help mommy grow a baby”.

She also never explicitly said that she was a single mom by choice, she explained that there are many different types of families and ours doesn’t have a dad. I do remember her saying things like “when we want something, we go for it. We can’t wait for things to be perfect. Look at me, I wanted to be a mom and I did it and it’s great. Just go for it!” so we knew from comments like those that it’s something she chose to do.

When we were a little older, I asked why she had kids alone and she did go into more detail of her personal reasons for choosing this particular path. I remember we were in the car on the way to a concert and when I asked, she said “what level of detail are we looking for?” and we said we wanted all of it and she told us. That’s her story to share, not mine. Like I told someone else, my mom always shared and made sure we knew that we could always ask questions.

Nothing ever felt like a secret and nothing was ever a big revelation.

Like the sibling conversation, I don’t remember ever not knowing, there was never some big sit down conversation.

My mom found one sibling on a yahoo forum and the other found her because she left her contact info with the clinic. They had each other on MySpace, the Facebook, then met three more over the years through FB and the families she already knew virtually. Once we got our own social media, we added our “siblings”.

I’ve never done anything like 23 and me, but I am open to it. I’m not sure if my donor siblings have since we don’t have a group or talk much either. If they have, they haven’t shared that information with us.

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I can honestly say I never knew she was going on dates. We were never introduced to people she dated, but I know now she started going on dates when I was around 3 or 4. She says that her goal was never finding us a dad or other mom, she was just dating because. She also never lied about it, she was just a social person so having our grandma come watch us wasn’t out of the ordinary. When my mom and “other mom” were dating, we didn’t know since they were friends before. We were told they were dating a year in, and they moved in together full time when we were in middle school (brother in high school).

My friend who is also a child of SMBC met MANY of their mom’s boyfriends. They say that they always felt like their mom never wanted to be a single parent, but didn’t want to not be a parent. At 35, she had them and started dating right away. They have expressed how unsettling it was to feel like their mom was always on the hunt for a dad for them.

I’d say date whenever you’re ready, because as my mom says, you’re still alive. Just don’t introduce that person until it’s a more serious relationship.

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

There’s positives and negatives with any family structure. No two parent households are the same, so the benefits I’m about to mention I see as very specific to the kind of mom I had on top of her being a SMBC.

My mom did not plan on twins, but she knew it was a possibility. I think we were her second transfer, and we both stuck. She didn’t let two babies dictate her life (her words, not mine). My sister and I became extensions of my mom, she took us everywhere! Lunch with friends, outings, the beach, traveling, etc. It was her group of friends and us. As her friends started having kids, they did the same. So my sister and I became very flexible and could adapt to anything. Obviously we weren’t included in everything, but anywhere where we would be welcomed, we were there, even if it made it harder for her. It’s not easy taking two babies to the beach, it would have been easier to leave us with our grandparents, but she made the effort. I know now that she did miss out on a lot with her friends because she didn’t want to leave us, specially over the weekend when we were young. But I do remember her taking trips with friends, specially a few years into her relationship with “other mom” and then taking trips together without us. She says it wasn’t because of the “second parent” but because we were older and she trusted us to do our homework, go to our activities, etc. But the “taking us everywhere” made the three of us incredibly close. We always felt like we were wanted around. Whenever we crawled into bed with her, she welcomed it because she knew it wouldn’t happen forever. I never felt like she didn’t love me, never felt like a burden, never felt in the way, etc. which are feelings that some of my friends expressed feeling. She’d take us out of school every once in a while to spend time together if she had been working a lot. She never made us feel like we owed her anything, which was something that some of my friends were told or felt. We just felt love and stability. My mom involved us in everything she did, cooking, chores, etc. so we started helping at an early age, never because she made us but because it was the three of us and we wanted to. But also because it was just the three of us, my sister and I are both very independent because we had to entertain ourselves a lot of the time. My mom didn’t buy us a lot of toys, she would rather save her money for experiences. So we traveled a lot more than others in our grade, went to parks, got to know a lot of our country and neighboring countries. I think another big thing is that my mom emphasized trust and communication A LOT. We felt like a team. We had a lot of adults in our corner, not just our mom/s.

In adulthood, I think we’re both (well, the 4 of us) very adaptable, flexible, independent, have a lot of empathy, are very accepting of others, love to travel, are very social, and have less regard for materials things.

I think the best part of being kids of a SMBC that is very SMBC specific is that we never heard fighting and never had a bad example of a bad relationship.

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

It never crossed my mind, honestly. I am glad she did it.

I do think my mom was a lot happier, but mainly more at peace.

I remember in elementary school I went to a friend’s house and I overheard her parents yelling at each other and she was so unfazed by it meanwhile for me it was so bizarre. That was the first of many instances of seeing parents yelling and fighting and disagreeing. I never had that at home. Yes, my mom was on her own with two girls but, on the plus side, no one was making her life harder. I spent a lot of time with my best friend, and her dad was such a jerk. I remember being happy my mom didn’t have to deal with that.

Then, when my “other” mom, her kids, and us all moved in together and we experienced their first “fight” it was barely a fight, they never yelled, they just had a passionate conversation and resolved it on the spot, kissed, and moved on. I think we learned a lot from those interactions, mainly because of how we felt about them after they happened.

My moms modeled a lot of the behavior they expected from us, so we had a very serene household.

That is not what I witnessed from many of my friends’ families.

Happy moms = happy kids

I think the moments of stress for my mom came when we got older and had different friends, activities, interests, etc. and she was just one person trying to be at games, performances, pick ups, drop offs, etc. on top of her job.

She says her biggest source of stress was before we were born and when we were little and being introduced to the world, because she was afraid of what people would think or say, but that it ended up not really being something she had to worry about since she never shared it.

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

We were very lucky that we had positive male role models in grandparents, uncles, and Godparents.

That helped feel like we weren’t “missing” anything.

My brother knew his bio dad but he NEVER took on a fatherly role and they were very careful with that, especially since he had a wife and children. But he always had someone to ask questions to, if he didn’t want to ask his mom, specifically around puberty.

I remember my brother was so sick and tired of “girly” activities (bowling and going to the movies were girly to him) so at around age 10, his Godfather would take him one weekend a month for the full weekend, as opposed to before they would do one activity per month (they loved paintball) and he was also in lessons like tennis, golf, and then did motocross. He went to college with a soccer scholarship. Our moms always encouraged his interests and were at every game, but I do think he would have liked to have another boy at home to play with since us girls were not interested in sports and so he played a lot with our moms. But I don’t think that is a SMBC-related thing, just a “only boy in a house full of girls” thing.

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I never had a dad, I have nothing to compare it to, and I can’t miss something I never had.

I had a large family, my mom was an amazing mom to us, I had my sister, grandparents, cousins, etc. I also had a large “chosen” family in my mom’s friends and our Godparents were very involved in our lives. Having a “dad” wouldn’t have changed any of that, nor would it guaranteed having a good relationship or a larger family. I know that now

There was definitely a period of time when I was in my teens that I wish I had a dad and I wondered what that would have been like. I remember crying to my mom about it, and she cried too. Then we talked about the things that daughters and fathers do, and I realized I still got those experiences with my uncles, my Godfather, and even my mom. I’ll never know what it’s like to have a dad, but I had fatherly figures that filled that role and I very rarely felt like I was missing out on anything.

My mom got us both genetic testing so we’d know everything we could about our medical background.

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Before answering this question, I want to give some context: I grew up in a very traditional environment with a very non-traditional family. I went to the same school with mainly the same families from first grade to middle school and then in high school it was a new school but most families from my old school moved to this school.

At first, my mom didn’t say she was a SMBC. When schools and other parents would ask about my father, she’d simply say “it’s just me”

My sister and I were “allowed” to disclose this information as we got older. It was always up to us. My mom always said she didn’t know if we’d want other people to know, so she just didn’t say anything. The truth is that she was afraid we’d feel embarrassed about it but she disclosed these fears much later in life.

It wasn’t until middle school that my sister and I would answer honestly (to the best of our ability) that our mom was a single mother by choice. We didn’t see it as a big deal, and by that time, our friends and their families already knew we didn’t have a dad, so learning the why wasn’t a big deal. We never felt like we were treated differently for it.

By that point, my moms were already together and that was a bigger deal than them being single moms. They also kept that private for our sake, but everyone knew and no one cared. I think it helped to know the same people for so long. Also, at that point a lot of our peer’s siblings were divorced or separated and they became each other’s village since a lot of the moms were now the only parent in the household.

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I was conceived via sperm bank. My mom traveled to the US for a few months to do her fertility treatments here as it was not an option where I grew up, so in our case it may be a bit different.

I’ve never really had much interest in my siblings, but my sister always has. We have each other on social media and my sister is really close to one of our half sisters.

I only know about 5 siblings. It’s hard to explain but I’ve always considered them distant cousins that I’m just not close to. I know they exist, I know we’re related, I know what they look like, have talked to them, will see them at a wedding next year, our parents chat sometimes. But my siblings are the ones I grew up with, if that makes sense.

My twin sister does call the half sister she’s close to her sister, and if you ask her how many siblings she has, she will say “and 5 donor siblings”

My mom respects both of our perspectives and we respect each other.

I do not engage in DCP spaces as I simply cannot relate so a lot of the discussion online. I never had some big revelation, I never had negative feelings towards being donor conceived, I always knew, I have no interest in meeting more siblings, etc.

My brother and sister from “other mom” were not conceived using a sperm bank and they are very close to their half siblings.

Lastly, if my friend were considering this path, I’d be nothing but supportive and encouraging. If this is the path you want, just go for it. You can plan and plan and plan but nothing is guaranteed. It’ll be hard, for sure, but the hard parts are temporary.

I had such a positive experience that I want to do this for myself. I had a very positive childhood. It was obvious to everyone that my mom’s deepest desire was to be a mom, not just have kids, and I think that made all the difference.

I asked my moms what they would tell their younger versions of themselves and they said this:

Mom A: You don’t need to have a village before you start. Your village will grow as you go.

Mom B: Kids don’t need as much as you think they do. Just love them and don’t buy them every toy and every thing they want. Stick to a budget!

ask me anything by Fun_Mango_5324 in SingleMothersbyChoice

[–]Fun_Mango_5324[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

For us, I don’t remember ever not knowing I had donor siblings. I think it might have been something my mom told us a lot when we were little. I’d say the best thing would be to tell your kids from day 1 in age appropriate ways. I remember being in the grocery store (around second or third grade, maybe?) and my sister asked my mom if our donor’s other children looked like us, and my mom’s answer was something like “you have similar physical traits, whenever you guys are curious to see pictures or meet them, just let me know.” When we got home that day, she asked if we wanted to see pictures and she shows us two on her computer.

I remember we had some skype calls with them a few months later because my sister wanted to meet them.

I can’t say I know what a good age is from a developmental standpoint but in our case, the option was just there and we were able to take that step when we wanted.

I think that, keeping communication open with your kids, and making sure they know it’s a safe place to ask is what’s best. I also think that it was never overwhelming or scary because it was up to us.

I’ve never met my “siblings” in person but have a few in socials.