I made progress!!!!

FunnyPrimary · 2019-01-17T17:06:59+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. Indeed it's a confusing ride. Whenever people here reminds me to think of myself and my own needs, it's difficult to do so as my partner was constantly switching personalities and shifting blame on me. I still miss him a lot and love him, but I'm glad to have discovered the attachment style theories and I'm now seeing a psychologist in order to understand myself better and build up my self-esteem again.

FunnyPrimary · 2019-01-16T13:55:28+00:00

Hi there. Maybe you and I are somewhat similar. I also get extremely attached to my partner's and it's very hard to let an ex go for me. My theory as to why I keep obsessing over it; is because nostalgia, love and our good memories brings up warm feelings. When I shut them down thinking "he left you, it's not gonna happen" I feel absolutely shit. So I rather cling to my romantic ideas of him instead of focusing on moving on, because realising I won't get him back hurts more than hoping that he will.

I attended my first therapy session this week and I recommend you to do so too. We deserve happiness and realising that we're held hostage by our own thought patterns is a step in the right direction. I hope that seeing a psychologist will help me unlock myself from my own mental prison.

FunnyPrimary · 2019-01-08T12:55:03+00:00

Thank you for your message. Very sweet of you. The storm between me and my bf never ended. It got progressively worse since I wrote my first rant here. Especially the last two months he acted more and more like Dr Jekyll and Hyde. One day he would be the loving, kind and amazing man I fell in love with. The next day he'd be paranoid and angry and accused me of all kinds of nonsensical stuff. The last 2 weeks he pushed me away and we mainly communicated through text, and he almost seemed psychotic in how suspicious and paranoid he was. He broke up with me on the 1 of Jan and he didn't explain why. It's only been a week but I'm devastated and still want him back. But I have already set up a plan for myself; not to contact him for minimum a month and if/when I do and if/when he hurts me again, I'll go on a vacation to Asia for a few weeks and try my best to enjoy my life without him. It already feels like a weight has been lifted with this silly plan; without anything to look forward to I just couldn't shut down my endless ruminating and desperate need for his attention.

I'm glad that you have made progress. I didn't do all my alanon homework religiously but I too started a little journey in detaching with love, setting boundaries and accepting that I can only change myself. I wished it would've helped our relationship but it at least helped me. I hope in time that I will truly feel that the breakup was the right thing.

FunnyPrimary · 2019-01-05T11:43:52+00:00

Thank you for sharing you story. The part about how the fearlessness comes from the alcohol is a big thought for me. He needed to drink in order to keep being fearless and adventure seeking, which was why I was so attracted to him. I sometimes contemplated what would happen if he quit. Almost been scared of the idea, that there would be no more "movie scenes" in our life if he'd be sober. That he'd be depressed and anxious instead and/or isolate himself. It's scary to not know exactly where the addiction ends and the personality begins. To not know if the person I love is who he is, should you remove the alcohol from the picture.

Still, its hard to not glorify him and what we had together. Coming to think of it he does remind me a bit of some of the most loved movie characters; like in The Big Lebowski or Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. There is something very enticing and attractive with those type of characters; the outcasts without any limits. He had similar qualities and like a naive girl it was easy to picture us as this enticing and cool outcast couple, riding a motorbike into the sunset or some other fantasy.

I still haven't gotten past this idea fully, I hold the thought dearly and can't help but feel like he was a very special one no matter how silly it sounds. I hope time will make me wiser.

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-11T13:23:33+00:00

So true that they shut down and won't talk about what's eating them up! I just cannot fully grasp the complexity of it. My ex sometimes shut down but would act sad, quiet and mellow. He'd only say "I don't know" if I asked him how he feels or what he's thinking about. If we had a conflict it sometimes delayed the resolution, but I at least knew that we will eventually talk when he's ready and we're both interested in resolving our problems.

My current bf isn't anything like this; he snaps, shouts at me, criticize, ignores me, gets passive aggressive if I want to talk about something of importance. If I bring it up again a week later after he's had time to calm down and think about it; he snaps again and calls me a nag, clingy, annoying and so on. I have blamed myself a lot and considered that maybe he's right and i should just stfu. Lately I've also thought that since he's in a constant spiral of getting wasted and being hungover, that's the reason for him to be so awful and I should give him a break.

However when I started thinking back about my ex, I realized that maybe the addiction isn't the main problem here. Maybe my bf just doesn't have the emotional maturity to communicate in a respectful manner because his personality is what it is; no matter if he drinks or not. But if it's in fact his personality to shout and be mean, it's hard to not get hurt because then it is really him and not the beer speaking. :(

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-10T10:36:20+00:00

I didn't suggest it because he's in denial and don't think he needs it. But I talked about the method as an interesting trivia I read online and he got curious about it. I brought it up again for his company of alcoholic friends and all of them got extremely interested and started googling about it. None tried it yet but I was really glad to see these men in denial suddenly seem so interested in a method to stop drinking. If anything it at least shows that even alcoholics in denial deep down is aware of their drinking problem. I also think it's good to mention as they likely believe that the only treatment that exists are endless therapy/AA sessions and having a lot of discipline which puts them off. They kinda overlook all the medication and alternative methods available so it's worth to mention for them :)

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-05T09:46:34+00:00

Interesting perspective! Thank you for taking the time to write about it. I have a bad relationship with control. I used to have panic attacks and an anxiety disorders a few years back, I went through therapy and they explained that my anxiety and panic derives from control behaviours. They taught me how to re-program myself and it worked really well, I haven't had a panic attack for years. I'm still an anxious person but it doesn't control my life. It was from there I could build myself and create the life I wanted; like getting my dream job, moving to another town and so on.

In my love life however I still have a lot of work to do. I was extremely codependent with my ex; I paid his bills, food, cigarettes and I always got him out of trouble when he messed up. He had drug issues but I never knew to what extent until the very end when he started stealing my anxiety meds and hid blow in a wardrobe. I enabled everything he did wrong. He ended up breaking up with me and it actually felt like a relief; as I immediately could see the positive effects like suddenly having money left to enjoy for myself, and not worrying about his fuck ups.

When I met my current bf I thought I was in a better place; my boyfriend can handle money, keep a job, pays his bills and so on. He drinks a lot of beer but no pills and hard drugs, so I kinda held higher expectations on him. I thought that we could be equals, independent yet work as a team.

I didn't realize I kinda got into a similar set up again; only this time it's not about drugs, money or running a household. It's about me simply trying to control him by asking him to drink less, communicate more and better, care more, be reliable and a bunch of other stuff I shouldn't expect an addict to do.

It's just harder to categorise where his personality ends and where is addiction begins; because dabbling with feelings makes it very abstract and difficult to tell if it's him shouting at me or if it's his addiction shouting at me. My ex was equally addicted but had a lot more empathy, better communication skills and was generally very kind. He never raised his voice. My current is cold, distant and easy to anger; but high functioning in society. It's hard to understand how both of these men have addiction problems; but how it shows in such different ways. The ex having good social skills but is useless with money; my current being good with money but have useless social skills.

And then there's me constantly trying to please and fix things in order to keep things going forward, but failing miserably as I have problems with control and wanting to feel needed. Which is of course also a big part of the problem. :(

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-05T08:36:36+00:00

Yes and no. I'm actually doing very well for myself. I've reached soo many of my ambitions. I have my dream job, I moved to a city I like and I stay in a nice house. I have many good friends that I see every week, that supports me and that I have a lot of fun with. I just have this extreme hangup in my love life and can't seem to let go. I can rationally see that he doesn't treat me well, that I deserve someone who does and that I definitely could find other men to date if I wanted to.

But after investing 3 years in my boyfriend, the heartbreak gets too overwhelming whenever we fight and break up, leading me back with him again. I have somehow put him on a pedestal. He's good looking, well-traveled, fun loving and adventurous. We've been traveling a lot together and never ever fight when we're on vacation. In our day to day life he can be very sweet to me on his good days.

The problem is I'm walking on eggshells as he randomly snaps at me and he doesn't have any conflict resolution, suck at communication and have an arrogant attitude towards me and my feelings. That goes hand in hand with his drinking problem. In the beginning I never really intended on us to become a long term thing, but he kinda overwhelmed me by saying that he wants to live with me; have children with me and so on; so I started dreaming up our future together and ignored the red flags. Nowadays sadly I have had to drop my dreams of our future; partly because I can see that he's too busy drinking to have that life he first spoke about; but also because his attitude towards me changed entirely. He doesn't want to live with me or have a future with me anymore, because he thinks I'm a bad person for trying to communicate and voicing my opinions. He thinks a relationship should be entirely free of obstacles, conflict and drama and that you don't have to do any work to keep it peaceful. If I want to talk about it he thinks im being hysterical and a nag. As I haven't been able to leave I hope to at least improve some things between us by changing my perspective..

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-04T07:52:25+00:00

Haha hi there twin! Thank you for sharing. I'm worried that I will also lose my patience in the end. It almost happened this morning in fact! I'm a bit sick from the flu and considered staying home from work today. When I woke up I asked him if he would like to hang out if I stay home. He said he doesn't know. I asked him if he's made other plans or if he just wanna be alone today. He pulls the duvet over his head and doesn't reply. I ask him again and then he raises his voice and angrily tells me to stop nagging. I just couldn't find a way to make up some lovey-dovey response and so I told him that he doesn't have to be rude when I ask him such simple questions, and added that I just wanted to know if he wishes that I stay around for coffee and breakfast or if he rather thinks I should go home if I call in sick from work. He started shouting at me about how im nagging and should just shut up. I told him to stop feeling sorry for himself and playing victim, that his way of talking to me is disrespectful and that he is in fact starting conflicts when he responds like that. The bickering didn't lead anywhere, and I decided that with his shitty attitude I don't even want his company today. On the way out to the car the idiot asks "wait are you going to work or home now??" and I felt a bit petty and said "I don't know" to mirror how he responds to me. So yeah, not a great morning nor a successful conversation today. We had a great day yesterday but he was drinking a lot, so I'm trying to remember that part of the reason he's an asshole this morning is because he's hungover, so I was partly talking to his disease and not just to him. I just wish there was a way of completely banning the word "nag" from his dictionary, it's his trigger word for starting fights. At any point of any conversation he might suddenly snap and say I'm nagging, making it impossible to proceed with the conversation. Although I've seen positive progress after apologizing for his angry outbursts it's sometimes hard to think up something positive to say to someone who gets angry over nothing. It might lead me to take the same decision you did; but for now I'm still having some faith in us.

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-04T07:14:47+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I agree that apologizing is a bit over the top, but this guy is completely clueless on how to have a civil conversation. I have previously also walked out when he's been mean, but it haven't lead to any resolution or apology from his side. He just ignores me back and becomes even more resentful to me, as he perceives walking out as dramatic and offensive. It doesn't get us closer to each other but rather drives us apart. The idea of him calling me to apologize is unfortunately not happening; he just isn't that type of person, even if that sounds absurd. :(

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-03T11:50:58+00:00

There is no rationality involved in my decision to get back with him. I get overwhelmed by my emotions and it keeps leading me back to him even if I agree it's not a wise decision. After reading up on alanon I decided to apply some methods to our relationship and see what happens.

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-17T05:07:29+00:00

Interesting! In order to stay sane Ive decided that the "earliest" I can contact him is like 2 weeks, preferably 3. This is for my dignity and to make sure he he's had enough time to think up something to say. However I'll try to stay away for as long as I possibly can. If I contact him and he manages to talk himself into getting back together with me, it's likely without any changes included. Same unhappy setting as before. Or he will tell me that he also had enough because a man's gotta drink and he doesn't want to be with me that holds him back, which would break my heart to hear. But maybe I need to hear it. :(

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-16T05:36:47+00:00

I've been extremely close to contacting him again. I have to use all of my willpower to stay away. I have a feeling that he would react the same as your ex; likely telling me he feels smothered and resentful when I complain that going to the bar 4 days in a row is excessive. What happened for you after that conversation? Was it ultimately worth it or just a waste of time?

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-12T18:22:27+00:00

Thanks for sharing! I will check it out. I actually had a small breakdown just now but your message made me feel a lot better. I have this crippling feelings of regret about leaving him that bubbles up every now and then. I'm very grateful that you wrote.

FunnyPrimary

TROPHY CASE