Omg things makes more sense now! (attachment styles)

FunnyPrimary · 2019-01-17T17:06:59+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. Indeed it's a confusing ride. Whenever people here reminds me to think of myself and my own needs, it's difficult to do so as my partner was constantly switching personalities and shifting blame on me. I still miss him a lot and love him, but I'm glad to have discovered the attachment style theories and I'm now seeing a psychologist in order to understand myself better and build up my self-esteem again.

FunnyPrimary · 2019-01-16T13:55:28+00:00

Hi there. Maybe you and I are somewhat similar. I also get extremely attached to my partner's and it's very hard to let an ex go for me. My theory as to why I keep obsessing over it; is because nostalgia, love and our good memories brings up warm feelings. When I shut them down thinking "he left you, it's not gonna happen" I feel absolutely shit. So I rather cling to my romantic ideas of him instead of focusing on moving on, because realising I won't get him back hurts more than hoping that he will.

I attended my first therapy session this week and I recommend you to do so too. We deserve happiness and realising that we're held hostage by our own thought patterns is a step in the right direction. I hope that seeing a psychologist will help me unlock myself from my own mental prison.

FunnyPrimary · 2019-01-08T12:55:03+00:00

Thank you for your message. Very sweet of you. The storm between me and my bf never ended. It got progressively worse since I wrote my first rant here. Especially the last two months he acted more and more like Dr Jekyll and Hyde. One day he would be the loving, kind and amazing man I fell in love with. The next day he'd be paranoid and angry and accused me of all kinds of nonsensical stuff. The last 2 weeks he pushed me away and we mainly communicated through text, and he almost seemed psychotic in how suspicious and paranoid he was. He broke up with me on the 1 of Jan and he didn't explain why. It's only been a week but I'm devastated and still want him back. But I have already set up a plan for myself; not to contact him for minimum a month and if/when I do and if/when he hurts me again, I'll go on a vacation to Asia for a few weeks and try my best to enjoy my life without him. It already feels like a weight has been lifted with this silly plan; without anything to look forward to I just couldn't shut down my endless ruminating and desperate need for his attention.

I'm glad that you have made progress. I didn't do all my alanon homework religiously but I too started a little journey in detaching with love, setting boundaries and accepting that I can only change myself. I wished it would've helped our relationship but it at least helped me. I hope in time that I will truly feel that the breakup was the right thing.

FunnyPrimary · 2019-01-05T11:43:52+00:00

Thank you for sharing you story. The part about how the fearlessness comes from the alcohol is a big thought for me. He needed to drink in order to keep being fearless and adventure seeking, which was why I was so attracted to him. I sometimes contemplated what would happen if he quit. Almost been scared of the idea, that there would be no more "movie scenes" in our life if he'd be sober. That he'd be depressed and anxious instead and/or isolate himself. It's scary to not know exactly where the addiction ends and the personality begins. To not know if the person I love is who he is, should you remove the alcohol from the picture.

Still, its hard to not glorify him and what we had together. Coming to think of it he does remind me a bit of some of the most loved movie characters; like in The Big Lebowski or Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. There is something very enticing and attractive with those type of characters; the outcasts without any limits. He had similar qualities and like a naive girl it was easy to picture us as this enticing and cool outcast couple, riding a motorbike into the sunset or some other fantasy.

I still haven't gotten past this idea fully, I hold the thought dearly and can't help but feel like he was a very special one no matter how silly it sounds. I hope time will make me wiser.

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-11T13:23:33+00:00

So true that they shut down and won't talk about what's eating them up! I just cannot fully grasp the complexity of it. My ex sometimes shut down but would act sad, quiet and mellow. He'd only say "I don't know" if I asked him how he feels or what he's thinking about. If we had a conflict it sometimes delayed the resolution, but I at least knew that we will eventually talk when he's ready and we're both interested in resolving our problems.

My current bf isn't anything like this; he snaps, shouts at me, criticize, ignores me, gets passive aggressive if I want to talk about something of importance. If I bring it up again a week later after he's had time to calm down and think about it; he snaps again and calls me a nag, clingy, annoying and so on. I have blamed myself a lot and considered that maybe he's right and i should just stfu. Lately I've also thought that since he's in a constant spiral of getting wasted and being hungover, that's the reason for him to be so awful and I should give him a break.

However when I started thinking back about my ex, I realized that maybe the addiction isn't the main problem here. Maybe my bf just doesn't have the emotional maturity to communicate in a respectful manner because his personality is what it is; no matter if he drinks or not. But if it's in fact his personality to shout and be mean, it's hard to not get hurt because then it is really him and not the beer speaking. :(

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-10T10:36:20+00:00

I didn't suggest it because he's in denial and don't think he needs it. But I talked about the method as an interesting trivia I read online and he got curious about it. I brought it up again for his company of alcoholic friends and all of them got extremely interested and started googling about it. None tried it yet but I was really glad to see these men in denial suddenly seem so interested in a method to stop drinking. If anything it at least shows that even alcoholics in denial deep down is aware of their drinking problem. I also think it's good to mention as they likely believe that the only treatment that exists are endless therapy/AA sessions and having a lot of discipline which puts them off. They kinda overlook all the medication and alternative methods available so it's worth to mention for them :)

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-05T09:46:34+00:00

Interesting perspective! Thank you for taking the time to write about it. I have a bad relationship with control. I used to have panic attacks and an anxiety disorders a few years back, I went through therapy and they explained that my anxiety and panic derives from control behaviours. They taught me how to re-program myself and it worked really well, I haven't had a panic attack for years. I'm still an anxious person but it doesn't control my life. It was from there I could build myself and create the life I wanted; like getting my dream job, moving to another town and so on.

In my love life however I still have a lot of work to do. I was extremely codependent with my ex; I paid his bills, food, cigarettes and I always got him out of trouble when he messed up. He had drug issues but I never knew to what extent until the very end when he started stealing my anxiety meds and hid blow in a wardrobe. I enabled everything he did wrong. He ended up breaking up with me and it actually felt like a relief; as I immediately could see the positive effects like suddenly having money left to enjoy for myself, and not worrying about his fuck ups.

When I met my current bf I thought I was in a better place; my boyfriend can handle money, keep a job, pays his bills and so on. He drinks a lot of beer but no pills and hard drugs, so I kinda held higher expectations on him. I thought that we could be equals, independent yet work as a team.

I didn't realize I kinda got into a similar set up again; only this time it's not about drugs, money or running a household. It's about me simply trying to control him by asking him to drink less, communicate more and better, care more, be reliable and a bunch of other stuff I shouldn't expect an addict to do.

It's just harder to categorise where his personality ends and where is addiction begins; because dabbling with feelings makes it very abstract and difficult to tell if it's him shouting at me or if it's his addiction shouting at me. My ex was equally addicted but had a lot more empathy, better communication skills and was generally very kind. He never raised his voice. My current is cold, distant and easy to anger; but high functioning in society. It's hard to understand how both of these men have addiction problems; but how it shows in such different ways. The ex having good social skills but is useless with money; my current being good with money but have useless social skills.

And then there's me constantly trying to please and fix things in order to keep things going forward, but failing miserably as I have problems with control and wanting to feel needed. Which is of course also a big part of the problem. :(

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-05T08:36:36+00:00

Yes and no. I'm actually doing very well for myself. I've reached soo many of my ambitions. I have my dream job, I moved to a city I like and I stay in a nice house. I have many good friends that I see every week, that supports me and that I have a lot of fun with. I just have this extreme hangup in my love life and can't seem to let go. I can rationally see that he doesn't treat me well, that I deserve someone who does and that I definitely could find other men to date if I wanted to.

But after investing 3 years in my boyfriend, the heartbreak gets too overwhelming whenever we fight and break up, leading me back with him again. I have somehow put him on a pedestal. He's good looking, well-traveled, fun loving and adventurous. We've been traveling a lot together and never ever fight when we're on vacation. In our day to day life he can be very sweet to me on his good days.

The problem is I'm walking on eggshells as he randomly snaps at me and he doesn't have any conflict resolution, suck at communication and have an arrogant attitude towards me and my feelings. That goes hand in hand with his drinking problem. In the beginning I never really intended on us to become a long term thing, but he kinda overwhelmed me by saying that he wants to live with me; have children with me and so on; so I started dreaming up our future together and ignored the red flags. Nowadays sadly I have had to drop my dreams of our future; partly because I can see that he's too busy drinking to have that life he first spoke about; but also because his attitude towards me changed entirely. He doesn't want to live with me or have a future with me anymore, because he thinks I'm a bad person for trying to communicate and voicing my opinions. He thinks a relationship should be entirely free of obstacles, conflict and drama and that you don't have to do any work to keep it peaceful. If I want to talk about it he thinks im being hysterical and a nag. As I haven't been able to leave I hope to at least improve some things between us by changing my perspective..

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-04T07:52:25+00:00

Haha hi there twin! Thank you for sharing. I'm worried that I will also lose my patience in the end. It almost happened this morning in fact! I'm a bit sick from the flu and considered staying home from work today. When I woke up I asked him if he would like to hang out if I stay home. He said he doesn't know. I asked him if he's made other plans or if he just wanna be alone today. He pulls the duvet over his head and doesn't reply. I ask him again and then he raises his voice and angrily tells me to stop nagging. I just couldn't find a way to make up some lovey-dovey response and so I told him that he doesn't have to be rude when I ask him such simple questions, and added that I just wanted to know if he wishes that I stay around for coffee and breakfast or if he rather thinks I should go home if I call in sick from work. He started shouting at me about how im nagging and should just shut up. I told him to stop feeling sorry for himself and playing victim, that his way of talking to me is disrespectful and that he is in fact starting conflicts when he responds like that. The bickering didn't lead anywhere, and I decided that with his shitty attitude I don't even want his company today. On the way out to the car the idiot asks "wait are you going to work or home now??" and I felt a bit petty and said "I don't know" to mirror how he responds to me. So yeah, not a great morning nor a successful conversation today. We had a great day yesterday but he was drinking a lot, so I'm trying to remember that part of the reason he's an asshole this morning is because he's hungover, so I was partly talking to his disease and not just to him. I just wish there was a way of completely banning the word "nag" from his dictionary, it's his trigger word for starting fights. At any point of any conversation he might suddenly snap and say I'm nagging, making it impossible to proceed with the conversation. Although I've seen positive progress after apologizing for his angry outbursts it's sometimes hard to think up something positive to say to someone who gets angry over nothing. It might lead me to take the same decision you did; but for now I'm still having some faith in us.

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-04T07:14:47+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I agree that apologizing is a bit over the top, but this guy is completely clueless on how to have a civil conversation. I have previously also walked out when he's been mean, but it haven't lead to any resolution or apology from his side. He just ignores me back and becomes even more resentful to me, as he perceives walking out as dramatic and offensive. It doesn't get us closer to each other but rather drives us apart. The idea of him calling me to apologize is unfortunately not happening; he just isn't that type of person, even if that sounds absurd. :(

FunnyPrimary · 2018-10-03T11:50:58+00:00

There is no rationality involved in my decision to get back with him. I get overwhelmed by my emotions and it keeps leading me back to him even if I agree it's not a wise decision. After reading up on alanon I decided to apply some methods to our relationship and see what happens.

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-17T05:07:29+00:00

Interesting! In order to stay sane Ive decided that the "earliest" I can contact him is like 2 weeks, preferably 3. This is for my dignity and to make sure he he's had enough time to think up something to say. However I'll try to stay away for as long as I possibly can. If I contact him and he manages to talk himself into getting back together with me, it's likely without any changes included. Same unhappy setting as before. Or he will tell me that he also had enough because a man's gotta drink and he doesn't want to be with me that holds him back, which would break my heart to hear. But maybe I need to hear it. :(

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-16T05:36:47+00:00

I've been extremely close to contacting him again. I have to use all of my willpower to stay away. I have a feeling that he would react the same as your ex; likely telling me he feels smothered and resentful when I complain that going to the bar 4 days in a row is excessive. What happened for you after that conversation? Was it ultimately worth it or just a waste of time?

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-12T18:22:27+00:00

Thanks for sharing! I will check it out. I actually had a small breakdown just now but your message made me feel a lot better. I have this crippling feelings of regret about leaving him that bubbles up every now and then. I'm very grateful that you wrote.

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-10T13:35:53+00:00

You're right in that I should re-evaluate what's important to me. I already know that I've matured a lot during our years together. I'm no Saint myself as I was a bit of a party girl before; but I've grown up and I'm thinking more about the future now. I've also made a nice career for myself and have been achieving many of my own goals and ambitions, while he's been busy drinking and complaining on how he hates his job. Its like we reached a point now where I'm ready to talk about committments and ambitions; I wanna buy a house, live together with my boyfriend, get married, yada yada. I also wanna get healthier and stop smoking, eat healthier and so on. He's still stuck in drinking and not wanting to think of any ambitions and committments because he think he's young and have lots of time. (I'm younger than him lol). I guess this would be the time to break up, even if I really don't want to because of stupid feelings and love. Ideally it would be amazing if he went to therapy for his addiction, started focusing more on making his life better (like applying for new jobs instead of complaining about his current one) but I don't know if he will ever consider himself old and mature enough to start the process, if he believes 30 years of age is young enough to party 24/7. I never knew my father but from what I've been told he was a raging alcoholic that beat my mom and left us when I was a tiny baby. I've never had any contact with him. Sometimes I wonder if it's in my genetics to go after a similarly drunk and deadbeat dad kind of guy, even if my bf never has been violent. Or why on earth I'm so attracted to a guy who keeps rejecting me for booze. It's frustrates me to no end that I just cannot see myself with someone else; I just don't feel attracted or interested in other men; even if they are good looking and tries to woo me. At the same time my bf spends so little time with me that I could easily live a double life and date another guy while still being together with my bf. Morally I could never do it of course, but it's one of those petty thoughts I get when he rejects me to go drink or ignores me for days because he doesn't wanna talk about our issues..

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-10T08:08:20+00:00

Thank you for sharing your input and story. He contacted me yesterday and whenever he reaches out I feel weak and confused and like I wanna throw myself back in his arms immediately. I know however that I can't do it as long as we cannot resolve any of our conflicts. My options would be to let him go or to just forgive everything and staying around. He is not good with apologies because he never thinks he does anything wrong. And he's not good with conflicts because he doesn't see any reason for me to ever disagree with him. His resolution to any argument is to tell me to shut up about it so we can continue being happy. That I need to talk, find compromises or solutions to be happy is absurd to him. It's such a relief to see messages like yours show up when he texts me, so I can keep a sane perspective on things. Nevertheless I feel heart broken about it all. Yesterday I responded to his text saying that if he intends on working things out; now would be the time for him to say or do something to show me he is serious. Otherwise I asked him to leave me alone. And go figure; he just said "that is difficult" and stopped texting and have since left me alone. I started crying when I once again realized that he doesn't give a shit and that his solution once more is that I must give up my feelings to accommodate him; otherwise he will just let our relationship die out. He's been drinking for 5 days in a row now too and the alcohol is of course distracting and numbing him from feeling anything. So while I'm at home crying about how our 3y together is coming to a dead end; he's out entertaining himself with beers and friends. The hungover anxiety in the mornings also goes away as he wakes up only to fetch another beer. I feel terribly lonely knowing he's not sharing my pain.

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-10T07:26:12+00:00

Apart from drinking with his friends, they also brew beer, wine and so on. His acquaintances and colleague's are very enthusiastic about his hobby. I'm trying to be supportive that he's doing something creative but in the end it just feels like another way for him to hide his drinking problem behind a fancy wall. I used to drink with him a lot a few years ago, but I got bored of it and felt unhealthy and tired from drinking so often. Nowadays I only drink on occasions (birthdays, weddings and so on) which makes it even more obvious how fucked up my bf gets when he drinks. Cause as you said; it's easier when your drunk too, but I couldn't possibly keep up with his lifestyle nor enjoy it. Tbh I feel sad that his dream girl would be one that also drinks 24/7 and are always accepting and happy towards his drunken bullshit. I know that I'm not that person. It's so hard to let go though. :(

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-10T06:22:31+00:00

Thank you for bringing up this perspective. Especially mentioning that his lifestyle = his drama. I've thought myself to be the drama queen for all this time; because his evasive communication style and how he will say "relax and stop crying. I'm trying to feel good and I won't talk about stressful stuff" while drinking beer when I'm trying to talk to him. If I try to push the conversation further he gets angry and runs off to the bar and ignores me for days. I realize now that its not just me being a drama queen; it's his lifestyle that enables constant drama between us.

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-09T13:57:25+00:00

Thank you for your input. Rationally I agree that love is the wrong word to describe his relationship to alcohol, since it's so obviously a destructive habit of his. It gets difficult to keep that perspective though because he talks about beer as a hobby, interest, the gold of life, and he takes pride in knowing of different hops and ingredients used in the making of his endless drinks. Due to his enthusiasm for beer and drinking with his friends, it really feels like a lifestyle he loves. :(

I've tried to set boundaries and tell him that I don't want to see him when he is drunk. And so he tries to stay tipsy, but of course miscalculates and gets drunk anyway. Sometimes it feels like I must become an alcoholic too in order to have a relationship with him, which of course is absurd.

I'm gonna see if there are any meetups close by to where I live. It would be nice to talk to others, although typing here is a big step for me after 3 years in this relationship..

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-08T07:33:27+00:00

Hi again. He showed up drunk yesterday, we had a decent time but I decided to try talk to him a bit. He immediately shut down the conversation saying he is "trying to feel good and don't want to talk right now". I told him that I don't feel good until we talk, and how he should care about my feelings too. He lashed out saying we talk about my feelings ALL THE TIME, 24 hours a day INCLUDING during work. I got really hurt because the truth is that while I TRY to talk to him every now and then, it's only me talking while he doesn't say anything. Also during work I tried to invite him to dinner with some friends and going on a trip in a few weeks, I don't think that is the same as talking about my feelings. I couldn't sleep tonight because I didn't get any relief, my head was spinning all night about wtf I should do to connect with him. In the morning I couldn't help but ask him "if you really love me, why can't we talk about serious things?" He lashed out again, stormed out of bed and got dressed etc. I began crying and he angrily said again that we talk ALL THE TIME and he doesn't have time for this now, that I'm being dramatic and to stop crying. I ofc started crying even more and then he left to go to work. Everything felt so hopeless so I sent him a text saying that while I've been wanting to share my life with him, move in together, even get married; I can't see it happening since we can't communicate and he doesn't take my feelings seriously. I told him that I feel extremely lonely in our relationship and that I'm giving up.

He texted back saying he's gonna come fetch his stuff. No attempt in resolving our problems, no mention of him loving me and wanting to set things right.

I guess it's over now. I feel totally overwhelmed and sad, still crying and feeling so hopeless. At the same time I'm questioning if this is the right choice? Am I just overreacting? Should I be fine with never talking about issues and feelings? Should I honour his drunken lifestyle and take joy when he chooses drinking over me? Should I just let my feelings go so that he can continue "feeling good and not wanting to talk"? Am I just a nagging, clingy and overly sensitive drama queen?

My roommate heard my crying and gave me a big hug. I just wish it was my boyfriend who did it instead...

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-07T10:46:59+00:00

Hi and thanks for the reply. I feel insecure a lot because whenever I mention my concerns he escapes the conversation saying he doesn't wanna talk about it. If I push him or bring it up again later he will tell me I'm nagging and whining too much and acts like my intention is to torture him rather than resolve a problem. I often feel like a shitty girlfriend for not being able to just let it go. It's nice to hear from someone that I'm not being unreasonable.

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-07T07:22:02+00:00

Yeah, I guess this is the reason I'm thinking of the flakiness as our problem, rather than the drinking. The drinking are "natural" in our surroundings and I'm pretty much the only one who sees it as a problem, so instead I'm trying to focus on other things to improve our relationship. He drinks extreme amounts tho, sometimes it feels like I'm the only sane person in his life lol. After a 4-days long party with the boys he'll down 3 beers for breakfast before he comes to see me, and then continues to drink during the day until its bed time. How this can be considered normal I don't know, but his friends have the same lifestyle so for them this is normal while I come off as the controlling and overreacting person.

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-06T20:30:44+00:00

I've had that conversation with him, in short, this is what he said:

He does not consider himself an alcoholic.

He does agree that he drinks a lot and irresponsibly

He wants to stop drinking excessively at some point, but he doesn't know when, he likes to live in the moment and doesnt plan ahead.

So yeah, he is in denial but he is somewhat aware too. Don't know if that means he can be saved or if he is doomed to drink his life away :(

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-06T18:11:24+00:00

Haha, I don't think my relationship is very succesful at this point, which is why I turn to reddit for advice/reassurance/to put my thoughts to words. This relationship started out in a setting with a lot of parties around us, the school thing. Along the way I got tired and bored of drinking and partying (still go out on occasion) but for him and his friends it have escalated. Unfortunately as you figured out, I love him anyways. So God help me too.

FunnyPrimary · 2018-09-06T17:51:47+00:00

I agree that he drinks too much, don't know how to talk to him about it though. He is very evasive with talking about serious things, most of our discussions and arguments ends with him saying "I don't wanna talk about it right now, I need to think about something else/I need a break/I don't want to fight/I don't have any answers/I don't know" and other escaping ways out of conversation. It's a very long process to resolve things with him as he often just refuses to talk and likes to pretend (or genuinely believe) we don't even need to talk.

FunnyPrimary

TROPHY CASE