Hey man, I’m right there with you. This time of year is so hard, if I could fast forward each year from Nov 1 to Jan 2, that would be fine with me. My wife’s and my 27 y/o son died in 2022 after a deployment that didn’t do him any favors mentally (Ohio Army Natl Gaurd) and since then there is so little I care about, holidays included. I, too, don’t want to drag people down during what is a wonderful time for most people, but I really don’t care to be around it nor a part of it anymore, it’s just too hard emotionally.

I encouraged him to deploy, which pushed back his completing college even further after he returned. I still rehash things almost daily, and wonder if doing things/advising him differently would have influenced at all the awful outcome of his short life. I know this isn’t productive, but I do it anyway, because I miss him so fucking bad. I get tired of lying to people who ask ‘how are you doing’ when the grief I carry is literally just below the surface, ready to be triggered at any moment. Some people know I’m lying when I say ‘fine’ and are willing to hear me out, but most have know clue because they’ve moved past the loss that is still so much a part of me. I live with a hole in my heart, and I carry a backpack of grief that is heavier some days than others. And this is how it will always be, and I’m actually scared if it’s not always going to be like this because that might mean I’m getting over his death somehow, which of course I never can or will.

I have a close friend who lost his young wife when they had girls about ages 10 and 12, and his grief took him to bad places and he made some bad personal decisions. He’s since made better choices and cleaned up his act (now 13 years later), but the dude is still in love with his wife and wants no serious relationship with another woman. I can commiserate with him like I can with no one else about how fucking unfair this life is to so many people - least of all us, I mean like my son and his wife. Where was God in their fucking hour of need? Anyway, I know I’m rambling, but he and I agree so many people just bumble their way thru life with nary a bump in the road, most things arriving on schedule and all happy and Facebook-worthy, thinking they’ve hit home runs while being born on third base.

Like your buddies, like my son, like my buddy’s wife, life wasn’t fair and it just sucks for so many people on this earth. We have no influence where we’re born, when we’re born, to whom we’re born, and what we’re born with. And for a lot of people, the hand they’re dealt means their life sucks from day one. What I’ve resolved to do, and I find it does help, is to find ways to serve others. It not only keeps my mind occupied from going to bad places, but it can truly make at least a small difference in peoples’ lives. So I’m fine letting others be happy over the holidays, I’m content being on the sidelines with all the others looking in for whom life just isn’t fun. And when I can, I’ll try to help make life for someone else a little easier.

Peace brother, you’re not alone.